Incredibly Sad

We went to a water park with my older sister and some of her family yesterday. It was exhausting but Tim and I had a good time. Home about 10:00 PM and ready to sleep about 11 or so. I woke up at 1 AM because the hall light outside our bedroom was on. Tim was climbing into bed. I asked him if I should turn the light off and he said no. I shrugged and tried to go to sleep. About fifteen minutes later I got up and turned the light off. Tim was snoring. I woke up again a little later and the bed felt damp. Tim was clammy and shivering. I tried to talk to him but he was incoherent. I knew this all meant his blood glucose level had to be low. I wanted to go back to sleep and let nature take its course. God help me, I just wanted to leave him be. I could not. I went down to the kitchen and grabbed a can of regular coke and made a peanut butter sandwich, heavy ob the peanut butter. I also grabbed a glass of milk. Back upstairs I went. Tim was still out of it. Checked his glucose level and it was 65. I knew I had to get his sugar up quick so made him sit up on the side of the bed to drink the soda. He was unable to hold the can and kept looking at the finger I took blood out of. After several sips of soda I started feeding him the sandwich as he could not hold it or get it to his mouth himself. Needless to say, eventually his sugar was up enough that he was coherent again. He was covered in sweat but shaking uncontrollably. I got him out of his wet clothes and into something dry. I stripped the bed and got clean bedding, made the bed. He ate a second sandwich and finished the soda. He then went back to sleep. As if that wasn't enough, we made tacos for dinner. His tremors kicked in and he made a huge mess. He couldn't even feed himself. I managed to get two tacos down him before he stormed away from the table shouting he isn't doing any more dialysis. He has gone upstairs. I sit here so very sad. It is torture to see him like he was last night and this evening. It breaks my heart to know how useless and defeated he feels. I do not understand why he must suffer so much. I do not understand why I have to continue to watch him wither away. On the 31st he has an appointment for an EGD to check his stomach. He is in constant pain. He worries he has stomach or colon cancer. His dad died of pancreatic cancer. His mother had leukemia that went into remission. How much more does the Lord expect me to take? Really I don't know how much more I can bear.

Update

Feeling kind of crummy today. Maybe it is because it's a bit cloudy here. Temperature is nice though. Windows are open. Nice to not have air conditioning going. Had a great day yesterday. Went to an antique car show. It was like a festival. Spent the afternoon and evening with my little sister and her husband. We enjoyed good carnival food and live music. It was good fun! I think Tim is starting to lean toward stopping dialysis. He says he doesn't see how it is helping his quality of life. He is in a lot of pain. The depression comes and goes though he takes medication for it. His vision continues to deteriorate. At least three or four times a day he tells me he can't see. I think some days and times it's worse than others. He struggles all day long to control his blood glucose levels. His joints hurt. He's lost so much weight it hurts to sit. He is back to walking with his cane more often than not. It isn't that he needs it because of his hip but because I think he is using it to judge the surface he is walking on and depth of curbs. It all still makes me sad. I have told him the decision to continue or stop dialysis is his. I will support him no matter what. As far as weight goes, I continue to bounce 315-320 and I see no immediate end. I'm trying to maintain through all of this but the stress gets to me. I hope to get on weight watchers when I get back to work. School starts here on the 20th and I am on the sub list. I never got a single call from any of the schools I applied to. I also never heard back from the group home but didn't really want that job anyway. That, is my life for now!

Living with illness

I am so tired. I honestly do not know how people live with being ill. I hate watching my husband's quality of life continue to be less and less. There is nothing I can do. At this point, as mean as it sounds, there is nothing I really would do either. This is very draining on me. As he gets sicker, his attitude gets worse. I understand it but that doesn't mean I have to like it. He says hurtful things and gives no thought how it may affect those around him. I honestly dont think he even cares. I'm so tired. Being his secretary, nurse, mother, social worker ... It is all so draining. If I do not do these things, they will not get done. The last couple of years I have really stepped back a lot. I no longer draw his insulin shots. I no longer nag him to do what he should. I no longer tell him what he should or should not be eating, doing, etc. I'm just done! I feel like a horrible person for the thoughts in my head. I just want to be free. I will not leave. As long as he is physically capable I will not put him in a nursing home. I guess I'm just stuck. Lord forgive me for wanting Tim to move on from this life. The dialysis makes him sick. He is miserable. He is suffering. He is in pain. He is not the man I married. I married him in sickness and in health, but I did not sign on for this. Today I am sad. Our oldest daughter posted on her Facebook about how this is affecting her. I cannot offer her much comfort when I am struggling with it myself. All I can do is tell her to love her dad, spend time with him, help her children to make good memories of him. That is what I struggle to do every day. I guess this hurts so much because I remember him the way he was, twenty-eight years ago when we met. Sadly his health issues started about six years later and the really challenging issues started about ten years ago. I will trudge through today to see what tomorrow brings.