My Christmas Miracle

for the first time since he died, that I have memory of, Tim was in my dream early this morning. I was surprised that he was in ill health in my dream. We were on vacation somewhere. We were having a good time. I woke up and that's all I really remember. It was good to see him. I think I expected him to be healthy. I miss him.

What If

I have had a thought for a while now and it is making me a little crazy. In the nineteen months since he died, Tim has not come to me in any way, shape, or form ... that I know of. I've had no "visits" in my dreams. I've seen no signs of him anywhere, like others talk about. I have not felt him nearby. Nothing. What if he went to Hell instead of Heaven and that is the reason. He could be pretty human at times, in the flesh so to speak. When he was alive I never once questioned his salvation. We were never the most Christian but we tried to walk the walk, talk the talk, and share Jesus with others. We tried to live as He would have us and as our Father commanded. Being Christian, I wonder what this could mean for my own salvation. If Tim is not in Heaven, I darn sure will not be going there. Why am i torturing myself with these thoughts? Why can't I just let it go? Why is it eating away at me? Why now? I'm so confused.

Proud of Myself

Feeling proud today. I spent most of the day with my girls, grandchildren, and significant others. It was a great day! We went out to lunch and I ran into someone who had not seen me in a couple years. She commented that I had lost a lot of weight and look really good. It made me feel good because I am not at my lowest weight since surgery. I've gained, and maintained, about fifty pounds. She just kept telling me how great I look. Honestly, I still see the over 500 lb Karon, so that was very encouraging to me and made me proud of what I have accomplished. I just talked to my counselor last week about how I see how much farther I have to go instead of focusing on my accomplishments. Pride in myself does not come easy to me. It felt really good!

Excited Finally

Just popping in to say I'm doing really well. I really like my counselor and he said today I am making good progress. I am finally starting to grieve and let go ... It's a good thing, really. I'm excited about starting work on the 19th. One more step on the climb to independence. I'm hoping to move out of my sister's house by mid September or early October at the latest. I will be going to an extended stay hotel in Champaign. It has a full size bed (gonna need to get sheets as my bed now is a twin and my old bed was a queen), television (but I'm going to see if they will remove it so I can have my 47 inch) with cable, internet, stove with two burners, full size fridge, sink, small table with chairs, a dresser, and of course the bathroom. I will also have room to bring my old wing chair recliner. It's not pretty but it sits nice and I can put my feet up at the end of the day. See, I cannot rent anywhere because I did not complete the lease Tim and I had and they reported me so no one wants to rent to me. I figure with this including all utilities, maid service every two weeks for good scrubbing, and saving that one hour round trip gas it will about come out even. And I'll be in the city, where it prefer to be near to things and public transit if I need it. I'm not going to lie. It's going to be tight but I'm sure I can make this work. My counselor agrees that I need to be on my own for a while, at least. I'm excited. Many (especially the sister I'm staying with) are discouraging me in this, but I know what I want and need. It is not a blind plan. I have thought this through and weighed other options including renting a place with my cousin and his mate; but I really want to be on my own. I'll be close enough to all of my family here and yet not answering to anyone but me. I'm ready to spread my wings and fly. I'm feeling excited, happy, and encouraged for the first time in a long time. Just wanted to share. (On the down side, I have been avoiding the conversation with my sister about leaving and my plans because she has made her feelings quite clear and it's not positive in my favor. So, I'm working my counselor on how to handle this added stress when I'm so happy.)

Update

It's been a long time since I wrote here. So much has happened I don't even know where to begin! When last I wrote, a good friend of mine left me a comment about my dark place. She was right. I was in a very dark place and it got a lot worse. I moved to the St. Louis area with my youngest daughter, Mandi. We all tried but it just didn't work out. My depression deepened. I shoved down my feelings and boy did I screw up big time! Through no ones fault but my own, I totally lost it and snapped a week after the move. I didn't want to live anymore. I'm still not certain I really wanted to die but fact of the matter is I took a handful of sleeping pills and hoped I would not wake up. It was cowardly and wrong. If I could go back and change it, I would. All I can do, though, is acknowledge what I did, be honest with myself, and keep going forward. If you know me at all you will know that I know suicide is viewed as the unforgivable sin in the Christian world. I do not know what I was thinking. I just didn't want to deal with anyone or anything anymore. The sad thing is it was my seven year old granddaughter who found me unresponsive and got her mom. This happened on a Friday evening. I was taken by ambulance to a local hospital there and woke up on Saturday late evening is my earliest memory. I was in the ICU, intubated and catheterized and not a happy camper. Late Saturday night I was moved to the psych floor for inpatient treatment. I was there for almost a week. I moved back to central illinois with my oldest daughter but was only there for about a week when I returned to my sister's house. I am still at my sister's.

I have a new psychiatrist who sees me every couple weeks. He is tweaking my medications. I see a counselor every other week and it is going really well. It will be a long road, but I am making progress. I accept my responsibility in the situation. I realize I have limits and have been figuring out what they are. I'm not saying I like them but I'm accepting I have them. LOL My counselor says I'm making good progress. I know what I need to work toward recovery and being happy. I know what I want. I am talking about my issues and he is guiding me through the process. It has been a very positive experience. I'm thankful to him.

I will be starting to work in a special education classroom in an elementary school as a teacher aide in a couple weeks. I'm looking forward to it. I'm ready to get out there and be on my own. I have a plan. The timeline is still a little iffy but there is really no rush. It's going to be okay. I'm going to be okay.

Thank you to everyone who tried to find out what was going on. My immediate family protected me by not giving out information. I'm grateful for that. I never had to say a word here but felt like it was time to come clean. I am continuing day by day. I will try to return to posting here but who knows how that will go? God bless, everyone.

Just Sad

Tonight I am just sad. I am being consumed by my loneliness and grief tonight. People just don't understand. I stay to myself sometimes not out of choice but by circumstances. I got paid today. Big deal. I made my April car payment (May is due) and picked up my prescriptions. For some stupid reason, Illinois Medicaid only pays for four prescriptions I. A rolling thirty day cycle unless seen as a maintenance drug. So, they denied my Ambien refill. Okay, not gonna stress. She said it was like $22 and I assumed like last month it would be a 30 day supply. I paid for it last month too. I pretty much take it every night. For whatever reason, they gave me only 8 pills but charged me the same price. I didn't know until I got home. I'm aggravated. I guess I need to find something over the counter to knock me out ... But nothing worked before. Oh well, maybe back to sleepless nights for me. Whatever. Anyway after making my car payment and picking up my meds I have $5 to get me through the next two weeks. My gas light came on before I got home so I have no gas and no money for gas.  Gotta love it! And people wonder why I get so depressed. How does anyone survive alone? I just don't get it. Tomorrow is my granddaughters birthday party. Her mom has offered to come put some gas in my car so I can go. I was supposed to go to a family gathering on Sunday but probably won't now. My youngest daughter will put some gas in my car on Tuesday so it can be used to get her son to the doctor. Cheaper to take my car than her van. She's gonna have to put gas in it on Thursday for it be driven to our new house. I'm just so tired of it all. Sure, Tim and I struggled but not like this. I fear it will never end. And it makes me sad. And the tears roll down my cheeks.i feel like such a burden to so many. I can't even take care of myself anymore. I really want to just give up. I won't, but I want to so badly. Things look and feel so bleak. I try to look for the positive but it's just not working lately. I'm posting to get it out of my head not for sympathy or anything like that. If I don't sleep tonight I guess I can go outside and try to see the meteor shower that's supposed to happen. I don't know. I'm just so tired of it all. I hope this move is the right step for me and I can get back to some kind of normalcy.

It's been a year ...

... A year filled with sorrow and pain. A year of feeling like my heart was ripped out of my chest. A year of feeling like I'm losing my mind. It's been a year of changing. At 5:08 A.M. In the morning, Tim started to draw his las breath. I was with him the entire time. I talked with him, played his favorite music, held his hands, rubbed his forehead, and promised him I would be okay. In some ways I am. In others, I'm not doing so hot. Baby steps. Flashes of sound or vision in my memory. It's only born one year! It feels like a lifetime ago. Sleeping pill kicking in. Time to try to sleep.

I Only Control Me

I had a major disappointment today. I feel like someone who promised to never lie to me again turned around and lied by hiding something from me. It isn't that words even came out of his mouth. It was his actions that disappointed me. I honestly try to not have unrealistic expectations. But there are times that I just feel so damn betrayed and today is one of those days. I want to believe in this person. I want to trust them. But I can only control me and how I respond to things that happen around me. I let him know I was disappointed and why. I'd almost rather be angry because anger doesn't hurt; at least it doesn't hurt me. Disappointment makes my heart hurt. So, I shared how I felt and why. He acknowledged my feelings. I let him know I'm not mad and still love him. Now I have to let it go and move forward. We will see what tomorrow brings.

I am missing Tim so much right now. I think my anxiety is under better control. I'm having less crying spells. Maybe one day they will be behind me. As for your response to my last blog, Janet, I am on medication for depression, anxiety, and to help me sleep. I tried to start counseling but with me moving in a couple weeks, I did not see the point in starting and having to start again. As soon as we are moved, within the first week there, I plan to find a psychiatrist to continue my meds and a therapist to talk to. I know I cannot get through this on my own. I am also going to look for another Grief Share group to join. Hopefully some of the people will be more my age. Until then, I will continue to work in the workbook they gave me. There is some good stuff in there!

When will it get better?

I'm beginning to think that this lost sick feeling in the pit of my stomach will never go away. I really do try to focus on the positive. I look for the good in everything. And yet, every day in end up in tears. I have given way to the tears. I have pushed them down. I've tried to eat them away. Nothing is working. I'm so sad and feel so alone. I honestly do not know how people move on, find someone else, and go through all of this all over again. I just want to curl up in a ball and block out the world. Things I used to enjoy like doing needlework or reading, are not enjoyable anymore. I've tried to find new things to interest me but so far nothing. They canceled my grief support group due to none interest. I can't say I'm all broke up about it. I hated it anyway. I will work my way through the workbook if I ever find the time. I'm hoping the move will help but I just don't know anymore. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about this in person any more. The person I thought of as my best friend now doesn't have time for me anymore. He didn't want to hear it anyway. When I tell him how I feel, he makes the effort for a couple days then it's back to nothing. I won't bother Mandi with it anymore. She has her full with her little boy, her daughter, two baby daddies, and a move coming up which I'm not really able to help fund. I won't bother Crys with it. She has her kids and her husband. She recently moved and is remodeling and settling in. I don't feel like anyone really gets it anyway. I don't know what I'm going to do. Once we move I have to find a doctor and then counseling. Is this clinical depression? Is it just self pity? I don't know anymore. I just want it all to stop. I hurt. I cry. I'm miserable. I pray every day for an answer but one has not come yet. I just muddle through each day in hopes the next will be better.

Back in Corinth

So I am back in Corinth, MS for the next week. This time I have my little grandson Brody with me. He did well on the trip down. He took two naps which helped and we stopped three times for him to run and play and diaper changes. Praying the drive home goes as smoothly next week.

So far, he's getting along fine with Motown. He smacked the dog on the nose this morning and Motown snapped at him. I think Brody learned his lesson. They are not best of friends but they get sling. If MoMo would quit licking Brody on his head and ears, it would probably help. LOL

I'm finding myself missing Mandi and Aaron a lot on this trip. Taking Brody to the park on my own can be exhausting. I'm too fat to fit in the tunnels at the park. I can't climb up the ladders for him to slide. All those tjings his daddy and mommy do with him. I wondered why I bother but he'd be really hard to handle if he was cooped up all day here.

I'm really missing Tim today, too. I've been thinking about him a lot. His two biggest fears his entire life were to be blind and to be homeless. I'm with him on the homeless thing. I know I have a home at my sister's house as long as I need it but I need my own space. Today I have been in some despair feeling like I will never be able to be on my own again.

I'm moving to a house in Belleville, IL with Mandi and Aaron. I'm feeling like a burden because I can't pay my own way. I think today has been a down day. But Brody will get his bath in a little bit. After he's asleep I'm going to shower and then watch some Netflix. Go to bed and hope Brody sleeps through the night.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Just don't know

I'm sitting here with the tears flowing and I can't seem to stop. I had a great day with grandson Brody today. But now I'm back home and I'm just so sad. I miss Tim. I need his advice. I'm stuck. I think I know what I want but I don't know how to make it happen. And some people may be hurt by my choices. I got myself set up for counseling last week. She cautioned me not to make any major life decisions. I need to. I just want to get on with living. I'm thinking of moving. Some will not understand. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel I can't talk to anyone. So I sit here and cry. Lord, help me through this rough time. Show me what your will is that I follow you.

I'm just so tired

I'm so tired of the drama that seeps into my life. I sure never thought at the age of 52 I'd be going through some of this childish crap. I have tried to step back and just live my own life but other people keep dragging me into their issues. It's okay for others to have a bad day but if I have a bad day it gets blown up all out of proportion. It's so ridiculous! I'm beginning to think I need to just go somewhere all by myself. I don't want to but I don't know what else to do. Just thoughts swimming in my head. I need to blog more often.

My Life is a Hot Mess

I don't know exactly who reads here but I'm finding there are days I have to get stuff out. I have appreciated the few comments left for me. They are sometimes revealing and sometimes encouraging, but always appreciated. I also appreciate that anyone who had something negative say has kept it to themself. This post has nothing to do with grief, or maybe it does. You decide. I'm just going to let the words flow.

Almost a year ago life as I knew it changed forever. If you've read here before you know the details. Tim died. I lost my husband, my best friend, my rock. I lost my job. I lost my apartment. I lost my identity as a wife, a teacher assistant, a caretaker all at the same time. I thought I would be okay. I guess to a lot of people I am okay. Life goes on. I have good days and I have bad days. Some days are bad for no reason I can figure out. I'm told that's normal given my circumstances. Other days I allow people to influence my day negatively. I know it but can't seem to stop it. I am aware of this happening. I am working on either removing those people from my life or at least moving away from them but it's hard. It's hard because I have to decide who is telling the truth and who is not. I have to decide who I want to keep in my life and who I want to let go. I have to trust that my decisions are the best for me and I just don't know anymore.

This has been a really hard week for me. My youngest daughter was told a truth about something I did and she finds it unforgivable. She has every right to be angry with me. I accept that what I did was wrong. I do not accept that she feels it's okay to speak to me the way she has. I am still her mother. She has accused me of not being there for her. She accused me of choosing someone else over her.she accused me of caring about someone who is not family more than I care about her. Oh, my heart is heavy and filled with so much sadness. She ordered me to get out of her house. So I did. And I don't know that I will ever be welcome back. What's been said cannot be taken back. It was hurtful. Yes, the truth hurts, but saying things does not mean they are true. In her eyes, I am guilty of everything she accused me of. In mine, I am a fifty-two year old woman who is mired deep in grief who deserves to choose her own friends. And that is the crux of the issue.

I've shed a lot of tears in the last three days. I don't know what to do. I pray God gives me guidance because I am lost, totally and completely lost. I know He is near and knows my pain. I don't even know when or if I'll ever get to see my grandson again. Those of you who know me well know that he has been my joy and the one thing I've been able to use as a focus to keep going.

Today, I ate three small Dove candies. The wrappers had the following words of wisdom, in this order:  1) Do what feels right. What does that mean? Nothing feels right anymore. I feel like my life is slowly and steadily falling apart.  2) Follow your instincts. If I did that, I would pack up my clothes, get in my car and just drive away. I'm not sure where I would go; maybe Mississippi, maybe the St. Louis area. It would hurt because I'd be leaving Brody behind. He's already had his daddy ripped from his life. How do I rip his Gamma from his life, too? And how do I explain to anyone how I just walk away. It doesn't mean I'm turning my back on anyone. I just need space and time to put my life back together. I know for certain my youngest daughter would NEVER understand and see it as being abandoned again. 3). Dream. I'm afraid to dream. I'm afraid to think about what might make me happy. I'm not sure I know what will make me happy. I just know I'm not happy here, in this space, living this life, going through so much pain and sorrow.

Getting these three wrappers kind of gave me pause today. What if I do know what feels right,? What if I did follow my instincts? What if I dared to dream? And what if I hurt or destroy others in the process? That is my struggle. That is what I have to figure out. I don't know how to get where I need to be. I sit and I cry because I'm so tired. I'm so frustrated. I want to help and support everyone and I can't. And I don't know how to move on. And God, I miss Tim. He was my rock. He was a great listener and he had a lot of wisdom. And he's gone. And I can't hear his voice anymore. I don't feel him near. I feel adrift, ripped apart, my heart torn to shreds. And I don't know what to do.

This my outlet. I hope getting it out will help to let it go. I learned a lot about myself during my time in Mississippi. And I did it while blogging. So here I am again. That handful of you reading, I thank you. I don't expect anything but it helps to just get it out. Time to blow my nose, dry my tears, and pull myself together. Tomorrow is a new day and The Lord willing, I get to try to get it right one more time. God bless!

Grief Share

I went to my first grief support group tonight. It uses a program called Grief Share. We watched a video and discussed it. I'm the youngest person there but that's okay. I missed the first session last week but they made me feel very welcome. I cried during the video. I cried telling Tim's story. It was an emotional day.

I've worked every day this week and am beginning to think it's just too much for me. I am exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally. What happened to that balanced person who came back from Mississippi? She got lost in the shuffle this week, I fear. But she will be back.

Tough Night

I honestly do not know what comes over me. I had an awesome day today. I spent lots of time with my Brody man. We met Crys with Mimi and Bubby at McDonalds and the kids played for a couple hours. Tony joined us near the end. I really enjoyed our time together. Took Brody home to his mom and visited with her a little. I intended to be gone before Boog got up from his nap but that didn't happen. Then he clung to me and didn't want to let me go. I sure do love that little guy and he loves his Gamma.

Went to Walmart and did some grocery shopping. Back home to my sister's. Cleaned up my room a bit. Talked on the phone for a couple hours. Didn't even realize that much time had passed. And then, out of nowhere, it hit me. I started to panic. I can't hear Tim's voice anymore. I can't remember if it was deep or high pitched. I can't remember was it loud or soft? Gravely or smooth? Aaron said Tim had a great voice. But damn it I can't remember! And I'm devastated by it. Why now? Why tonight? Why?

I've tried. I realized a couple weeks at that his voice was fading. I didn't give it a lot of thought. Tonight, I closed my eyes. I can see him so clearly. I see the young Tim when I first met him. I hated his clothes and his haircut. I can see him a few years into our marriage, receding hairline, jeans and a t-shirt. I can see him as he got sick. And as he got sicker. I see him with his full grey beard. But I can't hear his voice, not at any of those stages. And it has me feeling so sad. The tears are flowing and I'm really trying to hear him. Maybe now I'm trying too hard?

Mandi reminded me I have him on video tape. I need to go to the storage unit this week and look for that tape. I will then need to find a VCR to play it. I also need to find someone to put it on DVD for me. Then I can see him and hear him whenever I need to.

I honestly didn't know it was going to be this hard. I didn't know I was going to miss him this much. I didn't know my whole life would be forever changed and I would feel so lost and empty inside. Going to go allow myself a good cry now.

What I've Learned in the Last Ten Days

Over the last ten days, I have learned quite a bit about myself. My daughter, Mandi, has told me for a very long time, years in fact, that I'm stronger than I think I am. I usually scoffed and down-played it. I've finally come to realize that I AM stronger than I thought.

I learned that I can be alone, on my own, for several days and be just fine. Don't get me wrong. I need human contact. I missed my girls. I missed my grandchildren. I missed my sister. I missed my friend Aaron. I missed getting hugs from all of them. Their hugs transmit unconditional love, caring, and peace. What I did not miss was the drama that comes with being with other people.

I learned that after losing all the weight I have lost, I still suffer from a huge eating disorder. I eat breakfast every day. It's usually a very healthy breakfast. Mid-day I get hungry and eat but prefer something quick and easy. If I have the money, I'd rather eat fast food for lunch. I do not eat French fries much anymore. I don't eat much fried food at all. But I could make healthier food choices. I really do not care about eating dinner. I enjoy a couple slices of low fat cheese, a grilled cheese sandwich, scrambled eggs and toast, pizza rolls, or a cheap frozen pizza. I eat because it's time for dinner and going from lunch to breakfast would be way too long for my body to be without fuel. That's probably my most rational thought about food.

I realized the issue I have where junk food is concerned. I posted about that earlier. What I didn't want to believe is how very little self control I have regarding resolving that issue. I know it's a problem. It's just not a problem I want to confront yet. In due time, maybe.

I've learned I need to step back from a few people in my life and stop trying to be in control of them. Stop acting like I need to know everything going on. They are grown adults. If I need to know something, they will tell me. And you know what? Sometimes it's just better for me not to know some things. I didn't realize I was so controlling, but I am. I always called it caring and helping but maybe people just don't need or want my help sometimes.

I have also realized that I have had positive impacts on people's lives that I never knew. I try to do the right thing. I've had a few private moments lately when others have shared what impact I've had on their life. In the same token, they have touched mine. It really is true that you don't know if just a nod or smile will make someone's day. Just a touch, showing concern or care, can totally change a life. I'm thankful to the many who have touched mine. And I'm thankful for the opportunity to touch others, THAT is my calling.

I've learned that I can build a life without Tim. There are a lot of people who love me and care about me and are here for me. I just have to accept what they offer. I am comfortable with who I am. I just need "tweaking" LOL I'm no longer afraid of life without Tim. It's been nine months and I'm still here. Yes, I've had problems. I had them before he died too. My bills got way behind, I was working minimally, I was isolating myself, and refusing to accept that I was the one who had the problem.

Slowly, I am making my way back. Times will be hard. I'm certain more tears will fall. I know my feelings of guilt will never go completely away. I know I will fall down but I WILL get back up ... Again, and again, and again. I can do this. I will do this. I am not alone. I have several angels in Heaven watching over me. I have family and friends here on earth to love and support me.

The most important lesson I have learned is that I am indeed a blessed woman. I am so very thankful for what I have. I am going forward with my life. God is not done with me here, yet!

I've Developed a Problem

Or perhaps it's always been here. I realized a few months ago that I have become a junk food hoarder. I buy stuff, sometimes that I don't even like, just so I have it. I don't always eat it. Sometimes I do, but a lot of the time I give or even throw it away. I don't know why I do this. I don't remember doing it when Tim was alive. Oh, I'd buy myself junk food now and then but it was things I would eat and would usually be gone the same day.

For instance, today while I was out, I bought a box oh Hostess Ding Dongs. I don't even like them but I felt compelled to buy them. I ate one when I got back and thought I don't like them, and though I didn't really want it, I ate it anyway. What is wrong with me?

I currently have a box of hot tamales (I will suck on during my drive home), a box of cow tales, a box of Reese's pieces, a bag of soft pepper mints, three packs of soft peppermint sticks (one of each I will eat, the other two are for my sister), a cup of nutter butter cookies (I don't even like those, either), a bag of bite size snickers, a bag of bite size milky way, and some extreme sour patch kids tummies. I stockpiled this in the last couple days. I just feel like I NEED to have it. I do the same thing at home. My bedroom is like a candy store. And I will buy and eat an entire family size bag of chips every day if I can. I've started to limit myself to the smaller bags, and I've cut down the frequency, but I just feel like I have to have something ALL the time. I've tried hard candies and suckers. They don't work for me.

So ... I have this problem. My weight has pretty much been steady for the last three years within five pounds. Thankfully, that is holding steady. I just don't get this obsession with food. When I'm not eating, I'm thinking about food. I'm sure a lot of this is tied to an eating disorder. I just have to figure out what to do about it. Thoughts or ideas are appreciated.

Thankful

Today I am thankful for the sunshine and warmth here in Mississippi. Motown and I took a nice walk in the park. I let him run and chase birds while I watched him from the bench. It felt so good to sit in the sun. I know it contains vital nutrients and I soaked them up today!

Later I went out for lunch. It was not a pleasant experience. I went to McAllister's and they were very crowded. I ordered a half salad and a half baked potato. The salad was mixed greens which is not my favorite. I prefer iceberg lettuce, mainly because it's what I grew up with. I like the flavor of it as well. The baked potato had steak, cheese, and caramelized onions on it. The onions were overpowering. Add the crowd to that. I was very uncomfortable taking up a table for four with a line literally out the door. Some people were forced to eat outside on the patio. Thankfully, it was a beautiful day. Then two families came in and sat down next to me. One table had all adults. The other table had six children. Every child has a Nook or iPad. They were loud and irritating. Oh well ...

I then went to Wal Mart and picked up a couple movies in the cheap bin. Funny, hey came with digital codes so I can watch them on my iPad. That should be fun.

Back to the house and just spent the afternoon relaxing. Had a phone call and just chilled. It was a very good day. Let's hope the rest of the week goes the same. I don't know, though. Rain is in the forecast for a couple days.

Difficult Day

For whatever reason, today has been a very difficult day. I took the dog for his walk. I went to the Dollar Tree for a cookie sheet. See, I looked everywhere in the kitchen, EXCEPT the oven, for a pan to cook pizza rolls on. I could have just sent a text asking but figured I'd get out and explore Corinth a little bit. Traffic was crazy. WalMart was packed so I opted to go only to the dollar store. I stopped for gas and drove around downtown a little bit. Checked out all the eating establishments and came back. I'm allowing myself one meal out per day just because I can and I've been unable to eat out for months now. LOL

So I come back and have been watching/listening to Law & Order: Criminal Intent. I was fine, reading, Facebooking, playing games and it hit me, like it does, out of nowhere. I started to cry and before I knew it, I couldn't stop. It happens. A wave of sadness comes over me and I start to cry. After a few minutes, I started to text my daughter, Crys, and thankfully she was available to carry on a conversation. After a while I was able to stop crying and felt better. I'm still feeling sad, but it's manageable. I'll be glad to get home and refill the anxiety med. if this happens too frequently, I'll just go to a pharmacy here to get a refill. Not sure how out of state Medicaid will affect the cost. I pay $2 for scripts in Illinois. Seeing as how this is a narcotic I'm pretty sure if they don't take my insurance I can't afford it so that's why I'm waiting to see if I can make it until I go home Saturday next week.

It also helped that I got a phone call from a friend I had not talked to for a few days. He's like a son to me and calls every few days to check in. He was against me coming down here, and honestly had very valid reasons why, but I came anyway. The loneliness and lack of immediate support were two of his concerns. I assured him I'd be okay and I am. I'm going to have bad days. I have to get through them to get to the good days, to heal completely. I get that now.

So, I'm in my jammies, still watching the Criminal Intent marathon. Motown (the dog I'm keeping company) is once again curled up on the couch, sleeping. He pretty much ignored my crying fit. Probably scared him, poor baby. He only ate dinner again tonight, but he ate it all. Every time he goes out, he looks for mom's car. I keep telling him she's coming back. He's gonna be one happy dog Friday!

The Hardest Part

I'm finding that the most difficult part of being on my own is having no physical contact with other people. I'm a hugger. I have told my kids I feel deep in my soul that I need hugs just to survive. Funny, the book on loss that I'm reading gives a rule of thumb for recovery and physical contact. I know when I was a teenager there were studies done about children in orphanages who got no physical contact and how they did not thrive. So I know that there is something to all the craving I have for physical contact. The rule of thumb is as follows. A person needs three hugs per day for survival. Five hugs per day are necessary for maintenance. Eight hugs or more are needed for growth. I think as long as I live near my girls and my grandchildren, I will be okay on my own. But I do need my hugs. My little Brody man usually fills the bill for survival. He hugs me all of the time when I'm there. Any other hugs just boost me up. I'm really missing him tonight. The weather has been kind of ugly here today. It started out gloomy and then started raining about mid-day. Gloom and rain does nothing for my mood and attitude. I'm pretty sure I have seasonal affective disorder though it's never been officially diagnosed. I need my hugs and I need sunshine!

It's a Test

This trip is a little test for myself. I really want to get a place of my own. There are several problems with this. First, I don't really like to be by myself, at least not for long stretches of time. Second, working as a substitute means my income is not steady so it will be difficult to find someone who will rent to me. Third, I broke the lease when Tim died because I knew I could no longer afford to live there. They did not rent the apartment again until our lease was up so that means they continued to charge me rent even though I didn't live there. Had I known that, I should have stayed and let them evict me! ANYWAY ... This trip is a baby step to see how I manage being by myself. Don't get me wrong, I still have contact with my girls, my friends, etc. but I am having to rely on myself for entertainment. We'll see how it goes. On another side of the note, I do feel a little lonely. Motown has abandoned me and gone to bed. LOL I'm watching/listening to the tv, posting here, chatting with my cousin, and trying to read. I'm having a hard time focusing. I've had to cut back on my anxiety medicine because it was too early for a refill and I don't have enough to get me through until I get back home. It's a narcotic, so the pharmacist could not even give me a few to get me by. All of that means I'm only taking it once a day instead of twice until I return. I think I'm experiencing the results. Gotta suck it up and push through, though. I don't want to be on meds forever. So ... There is a beautiful full moon tonight. Made me think of Tim. That made me sad. He loved the moon. I never see the moon without thinking of him. I wish he was here right now. I know he watches over me but I wish he was here instead. Even sick, he "had me". I just miss him so much.

First Trip All By Myself

Yesterday I drove from my sister's in illinois to Corinth, Mississippi by myself. It is approximately a seven hour drive. I like driving so it was no big deal. I stopped three times. Once for gas and twice to stretch and potty. The trip seemed to pass quickly. The sun was shining and I could feel the temperatures rising as I drove south. I forgot that even though you can have the radio on, it doesn't completely stop your thoughts. I was reminded of the last trip Tim and I took before he passed. We went to Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg, Tennessee. We stopped to see friends in Corinth (where I am staying this week) and then visited his aunt and uncle in Dyersburg. I realized yesterday that Tim probably knew that would be his last trip. He really pushed for us to go though we really couldn't afford it and he was insistence we stop to see his family though it was out of the way on the drive home. I'm thankful we made that last trip. We didn't do anything spectacular. We just spent time together. We walked the shops in Gatlinburg. We rode the tram car up to the top of the mountain. We held hands, talked, and just relaxed. We so needed that time together. He did his dialysis treatments while we were there without complaint. He was tired after but not as wiped as he was at home. I think he actually felt good during that trip. I'm so thankful I was able to do that with him. So I thought of that trip on my drive down yesterday. I thought about him watching over me, worrying about me arriving safely as there were weather watches and warnings along the way. Tim was a worrier. I'm sure he made certain I arrived safely. I'm a little sad today. Motown is snoozing. Sherry has gone to work. She leaves this afternoon and it will be just MoMo and me. I'm not doing much, just watching tv and reading. Later, I will find the park and take Motown for a walk. Hoping to take him twice a day while I'm here. Build up a walking routine and stamina so I can walk in the evenings when I go back home. Exercise is good for me!

Feelings

I've learned a lot about myself these past nine months. I've got many regrets for things I thought, said, and did. I'm not beating myself up for any of it. I just have regrets. I realize Tim was a very physically sick man. He was also very depressed. I'm trying to work through and accept that I did the best I could. I've done some reading about loss and am finding what I feel is normal. I realize normal is relative and nothing is actually normal, but it's nice to know I'm not going crazy. The night I sobbed for three hours, clinging to Mandi, feeling like I just wanted to die ... That is normal. I was not losing my mind. It was part of my body's natural healing process. According to my readings, recovery comes in three stages that overlap. First there is shock, denial, and numbness. This is followed by fear, anger, and depression. Lastly comes understanding, acceptance, and moving on. Each stage is natural and necessary. I have been through the first two stages, back and forth between them. I'm still there. I have days that I just feel numb. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to leave my room. I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm learning that's okay. I am fearful. I know I should not be. I am spiritual enough to know that fear is not of Him. But I am afraid I will never afford a place of my own again. I'm stuck. It isn't bad, living with my sister, I just want my own place with my own things. I have days when my emotions are so out of whack I don't want to be around me! I am letting myself feel .... Grief, anger, failure, exhaustion, beat down, relieved, overwhelmed, guilty, hopeless, and feeling like life is just not worth living. I'm okay. I will not hurt myself, though taking a handful of pills crossed my mind a time or two.in feeling, I am healing. It's a slow process and will not be rushed. I feel like a burden to my girls, to my sister. They have been taking care of me. I'm at an age I should be able to take care of myself and I just can't. I'm trying though. I've been to the doctor. I am taking anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, and sleep aids for now. It is not permanent. I am going to start attending a grief support group in a couple weeks. I will be okay. And now, I need a break. Time to relax and just feel. It's been a long busy day.

What's Normal?

For those who may not know, my husband Tim passed away on May 17, 2013. He had been disabled for about ten years. The last two years were really difficult. I lost my job as a Program Director in a group with pregnant and parenting teen girls who also had a diagnosis of mental illness ranging from post traumatic stress disorder to schizophrenia to clinical depression etc. I loved that job and losing it made life difficult for us. We moved back to central Illinois and stayed with my sister Jackie and her family from February to May. We were thankful to have a place to go but felt like we were putting her and her family out. We slept on an air mattress in the living room. We had very little money coming in and Tim was without health insurance for a bit. As a diabetic with related issues he was on multiple medications that were expensive. Eventually we found an income based apartment and moved. I took a couple college classes to get my teaching certificate reinstated. I started substitute teaching and later worked a year as a classroom teacher aide. Fast forward to January of 2012. On the way to a doctor appointment for Tim, he fell and broke his hip. It was at this time he was diagnosed with end stage renal disease. His kidneys were barely functioning. He had to get a port put in and while recovering from hip repair he started dialysis treatments. It was the beginning of the end for him. He hated dialysis. I realize no one likes it but there were times he would refuse to go. As time went on, he got weaker. They increased the length of his treatments. He was going three times a week, four hours at a time. It consumed our lives. I would drop him off at 5:30 AM and he took a bus home. He was getting weaker and weaker. I got angrier and angrier. If only ... Was in my head a lot. He could have prevented this. He could have extended his life. He could have ... Was also a common thought. I wanted him to have peace. I wanted to rest. I wanted it to go away. I wanted him to go away. He was cranky. He was angry. He was depressed. He was hell to live with. He was not abusive but life was so hard. On a Monday before I went to work, he complained that he did not feel well. I offered to stay home but he insisted I go to work. I checked on him at lunchtime and he was no better but told me to finish my day. When I got home he seemed weak. We had an appointment and I wanted to cancel it but he refused. So we went. Walking in we had to stop multiple times for him to catch his breath. Then he started to sweat profusely. By the end of the meeting he could barely stand up. I got the car and took him to the emergency room. Once there, his blood pressure was very high and his oxygen saturation was very low. Got him on a gurney, the doctor came in and Tim coded. He stopped breathing and his heart stopped. They revived hi and sent him to another hospital when he was stable. He was on a ventilator and kept sedated so he would leave the tubes alone. By Wednesday, I requested they remove the ventilator and refused further dialysis treatments. Tim did not want to live on machines. He woke up and was confused. They moved him to the hospice floor and advised me his lungs were filling with fluid and he would not leave the hospital. Thursday, Tim had a fabulous day! Everyone in the family came to visit him. He laughed and cracked jokes. He was ornery. He ate whatever he wanted. He slept a lot. That evening, I sent everyone home, stretched out on the couch and just watched him. The nurse was in and out all night. She gave Tim his morphine shots to keep him comfortable. We talked briefly throughout the night. He was so serious telling me he was sorry and that he wanted me to have a new car before he died. He wanted me to be settled in a home, not an apartment before he died. He realized these things were not going to happen. I assured him none of it mattered. I assured him over and over that I'd be okay. One of our last conversations he said, "Make your car payment and insurance. You're going to need your car. Everyone else can go to hell." He made me laugh He started to pass a little after 5:00 AM on Friday morning. He stopped breathing several times and his heart stopped a couple times. I sat there, holding his hand, telling him I was okay and he could go. At one point, he looked around the room as if he really could see and smiled such a peaceful smile. I asked him if the angels were there. By now, he was non-verbal but he looked at me and grunted. I told him to go on with the angels. I told him to go with his mom and dad, go with my mom, go with our dear friend Teresa who passed away a couple years before. Still he hung on. By now I had Christian music playing softly on my iPad, was holding his hand, crying silent tears, and rubbing his forehead. It was not until my sister Jackie walked in shortly after 8:00 AM that he finally ley go. She walked in and I was a mess. I told her he just wouldn't go. She took his hand and he opened his eyes. She told him I wasn't alone anymore so he could go now. She assured him she was there with me and would take care of me. He sighed, took two breaths and died. I have to be honest and say I was wrong. I wasn't ready for him to go. I'm not okay. I'm doing the best I can do but I'm not doing it very well. Right now my life is a total mess. This has been pretty emotional. I'm going to stop here for now. I will pick up the tale tomorrow. It is my goal, once the background is laid, to try to work through the grief here, in a place I feel safe. If you feel the need to leave harsh comments or criticize, please feel free to not return. I say this because I have had some very hurtful things said to me by well meaning people. Doesn't hurt any less. This is part of my own therapy in making my way back to some kind of a normal life without my husband. As much as he irritated me, I loved him. He was my life for 28 years. And so the story will I fold.

Update on Life

For those who may have been trying to read here, I am resuming posting but the focus is changing from my weight loss journey, which is not complete, to my working through the grief of losing my husband last May. This initial post is to touch base. I will get back to posting more regularly.