Checking In

The cookies I mentioned in my last post were so horrible that we couldn't eat them. They went into the trash. I don't know what happened. I used the same recipe I have in the past. I'll try again another day. Guess I wasn't meant to have cookies that day. LOL

Got a call from my doctor. The test results for the menopause stuff was negative. No signs that menopause is setting in. Darn! That means something else is going on. Seems to be the way things go for me lately. (That's a whine and I'm going to try to keep that to a minimum this post.) It isn't something she was worried about though, as she didn't ask me to make an appointment sooner than the one set for January. I was also advised that my thyroid is once again "sluggish" so she increased my thyroid medication. Re-check in about six weeks to keep on top of that. Always something ...

The holidays are fast approaching. Tim and I managed to go shopping for the grandbabies yesterday. Found some great bargains on clothes for them at Target. Managed to get the two infants about seven outfits. The older granddaughter got two but she got some toys that were a little more. All in all, we probably spent the same amount on each of them.

We're going down to my sister's on Christmas day. I have to work Christmas Eve, the overnight shift, and will come home and sleep for about three hours before heading out. We'll spend the evening with my sister and her family and then see Crys and her two girls the next day. I'll also visit with my older sister the day after Christmas. We'll probably stay down there til Friday morning (my birthday) as I have to be back at work that night. No concrete plans on how long we'll stay. Just know I may be out of touch next week for a bit longer than normal.

On the diet front, still bouncing up and down 399-407. Eating hasn't been the best as I've had to do more eating to survive than eating right. I know you'd think they were one and the same thing, but they aren't. Sometimes I end up eating more carbs as they are filling and cheaper than the healthy stuff. I'm aware of it and working on it, though.

Hope each of you has a blessed Christmas. I know I've certainly had my share of blessing this season. I'm thankful for all I have. Take care!

Been Kind of Quiet

I've been a little quiet lately. I just haven't had much to say. This time of year I'm either way up or way down and lately it's been the latter. Too far from my girls and the grandbabies. I miss my mom. I miss my mother-in-law. Both are deceased. Money is way too tight and things don't seem to be ever getting better in that area. A girl can only work so many hours and the hubby can't work at all. Bless his heart, he tried to get a part-time job in a store as a greeter or something but no go. We will manage,it just gets so old trying to make it from one check to the next. So I've gone into silent mode.

Had a doctor appointment a couple days ago. Still up in weight (back over the 400 mark) but not as high as I had been during the month. I still wonder if some of it might not be missing one period and well on my way to missing another. (I apologize to any men who may still be reading here. LOL) The doctor has bloodwork drawn to check my thyroid again and also to do two menopause tests. I've not heard back from her but I don't think she was in the office yesterday. So we'll see where that goes. She asked if I have hot flashes or night sweats. Do I? Good lord, I've been having those for years! I also have horrible mood swings from times and can spend an entire day crying for no apparent reason.

She also gave me a stern talking to so I'll be having the dreaded 'pap' at my next appointment. I guess I'll also submit to a mammogram. I've not had either for about ten years and given the family history (mom had uterine cancer and died of cancer but not that one, and sister lost a breast to breast cancer) I know I should stay on top of those issues. I have my reasons and discussed them with my doctor. She was able to convince me to have the dreaded tests, so that's that!

On the exercise front, I get up every day determined to either go to the fitness center or to walk with Leslie. Every day, I also manage to talk myself out of it. I don't know how people motivate themselves to do it on a daily basis. I'm working on it and realize part of it may just be the overall funk I find myself in lately.

Work related note, I may be moving to day shift this next week. It's something I've been wanting and waiting for since back in July. I won't believe it until it happens but that's supposedly the plan. I'm hoping that will get me going in the weight loss department again. I will be forced to be more active all day at work (instead of sitting on my butt all night long in front of my laptop playing games). I will be up and out of the house early. I will be able to eat meals at more regular mealtimes. I'll also be able to eat dinner at home, if I can convince Tim of it. I know in the long run that would also save us money but I feel guilty making him stay in. Eating out is the only time during the day he will be able to get out of this place and that's going to really suck for him! I'm worried about him laying in bed all day until time for me to get home and then jumping up and getting dressed. It sucks being so far from family that no one can check in on him for me.

Enough of my whining attitude. I'm going to go back some cookies (sugar-free and fat friendly) and see if that helps my mood any. I promise I won't eat more than a couple a day. I'm really not all that fond of sweets. It's the real food, the meat and potatoes foods, that I am sometimes unable to control myself with.

Walking for exercise

I went to the fitness center this afternoon and there was a buff fit young man (well he was young compared to me in his mid 20s to early 30s) and I just couldn't make myself go in. Had it been a female, I KNOW I would have bit the bullet and went on in. I just couldn't do it with him there. So, my dear hubby made me go to the mall and walk the upper level. UGH!

I doubt I've ever mentioned it but I HATE the mall. I hate the crowds. I hate all the stupid staring kids. I hate all the dumb arse teenagers who run around and think nothing of taking up every place there is to sit and rest and refuse to give it up to an older fat lady. And to go to the mall on a Friday evening, well ... I forgot it was Friday or it NEVER would have happened.

I hated EVERY second we were there. I had to sit down three times to make it through, but I did it. No browsing, just look straight ahead and keep walking. Sweat, push through the throbbing in my front upper thighs, my stiff calves, the jarring in my ankles. Push through, focus on getting through this corridor and move on. I did it, as I knew I would. I mean, you start in one place and HAVE to end up back there in order to get back to your car! No choice. I did it and that's my exercise for today.

Tomorrow, I'll be putting Leslie in and walking my 19 minute mile, or as much of it as I can do. It will be the first time I've done it since surgery last year so it will be interesting to see how much I can do standing up instead of sitting down. Then, I will make another stab at going to the fitness center. I will push myself to go every day and one day I won't care who is there and will just do what I need to do. For now, I'm just not that brave!

Jen, I tried the map thing and found it interesting. Had to go read the instructions and had a good time playing with it. Seems walking at the mall I walked about a quarter of a mile and burned 125 calories based upon my weight. I'm thinking I'd be better off wearing my pedometer next time for a more accurate measure. I just forget I have the darn thing. I'll try to get back to putting it in my pocket like I used to for more accurate measure.

And more exercise today ...

I did not go to the fitness center today. Instead, Tim and I shopped til I dropped, literally. Well, we started out doing laundry which we take out to do. After that, we went to two Walmart stores in search of a Christmas tree Tim HAD to have. This entailed walking the entire length of both stores (super stores at that) twice. Then we headed on to Meijer which is another superstore. Had a couple things to pick up there and wandered around a bit. After that we hit the local dollar store. Got a journal for me to do prayer journaling as well as some other stuff. By then I was pretty hungry. We went to Bakers Square where I had a quiche and fresh fruit. They offered french fries with the meal, but let me sub the fresh fruit. I added a bowl of cream of potato soup which also included a 'taster slice' of any pie. Tim and I split that itty bitty piece of candy cane pie and it was yummy! Then we headed on to Target. My knees were screaming (as are my shoulders, back, neck, arms, and my thighs) so there was no way I was gonna make it. I ended up riding around Target on a scooter. I still feel like I had a victory, though. I did a LOT of walking and Tim was so proud of me. I'm happy I was able to keep up with him for as long as I could.

It has now started to snow. We're supposed to get another 2-5 inches. We'll see. I guess I'll be shoveling again tomorrow morning. AND I'm going back to the fitness center tomorrow to do seven minutes on the treadmill, two minutes on the elliptical, and attempt to climb aboard the bike for a few minutes as well. Whew! I'm tired just thinking about it.

Took some ibuprofen for all my aches and pains and will just veg in front of the tv for the rest of the night.

What an experience!

UMPH!

That's the sound of me as I shoveled snow this morning. First, I spent about ten minutes shoveling off the walk at work. Then when it was time for me to come home, I had to clear off my car and then dig it out from the darned snowplows that kept pushing the snow in front of my car through the night. I was pretty darned aggravated about it, let me tell you. I was muttering some not very ladylike things as I spent thirty minutes shoveling!

I got home and told Tim I had already had my exercise for the day and wouldn't need to go to the fitness center. He wasn't having it. He said I have to do ten minutes on the elliptical.

Okay, so Tim and I go over to the fitness center and it was pretty much my worst nightmare come true. There was a twenty-something twig running on one of the treadmills. I was hoping she was near the end of her regimen and sat down on a weight bench to wait. I did not want to embarrass myself in front of her. I know I should just get over it, but it's really hard for me.

Ten minutes go by and she finishes running. She then gets down on the floor and proceeds to do crunches. Meanwhile, Tim has climbed onto the bike and is riding away. I sit.

She gets up and heads toward the stairmaster. Tim has finished riding by now and has sat down beside me. She says hello and I make a comment about not knowing how to use things and not wanting to look stupid as it's my first time there. She said it's her first time there too. I said I was afraid to work out next to a thin young thing and she indicated she doesn't think she's thin. Mind you, this girl was about 5 ft 7 and maybe weighed 120 lbs. Yeah, right!

So I decide I may as well walk on the treadmill as she seems to not be leaving anytime soon. I get on and push start. Nothing really happens. I start to walk, well, I tried. Why is it so hard to walk on a treadmill that whirs and makes you think that walking on it will be easy?

I managed to last about six minutes on there. According to the treadmill I was walking at a rate of about 0.5 miles per hour. In the six minutes I was on there, I walked (if that's what you want to call it) 0.05 mi. PATHETIC! And my arms were hurting more than my legs when I gave up. I felt like I was walking tipped forward and pulling with my arms. I know I had to be doing it all wrong and all I could think of was lil miss twiggy running merrily along. Dang!

I get off and go sit back down on the bench. I do a few stretches and peer at the girl. She has moved from the stairstepper to the elliptical and is happily striding away. I bet that darn contraption never once told her to "stride faster". Darn machine anyways!

She finishes and moves on to the weight machine. At this point, I step onto the elliptical. I managed to eeek out about a minute at 75 strides per minute according to the monitor. It said I burned a whopping six calories. Uh huh! WHATEVER!!! By now, I'm feeling totally frustrated and whipped.

I climb off and decide to stretch a bit more to cool down. The sweat is pouring off me. Twiggy is happy back to doing crunches without a drop of sweat. Dang!

Tim and I head home and all I can think is what a total failure the trip was. I know there are some who will say it wasn't a failed trip, but that's not how I feel. I know that I did six minutes of exercise, if you can call it that. Big freaking deal! I probably burned off more calories shoveling snow before leaving work than I did in that fitness center. Maybe I should just go back to Richard Simmons and walking with Leslie Sansone. At least I used to feel good about my progress with those darn dvd programs. I dunno. I'll probably give it another shot. We'll see.

So ... that's my experience with exercise. You know the line from the movie "A Few Good Men" where Jack Nicholson says to Tom Cruise "You want the truth?" and Tom responds "Yes"? Jack replies to him, "You can't handle the truth!" That's pretty much how I felt. I wanted to know if I could handle a workout in a gym and now I know the truth and I can't handle it.

Tomorrow will be another day.

On another note, I am back down to 396 which means I managed somehow to lose 11 pounds in the last week. Yea me!

Exercise

So yesterday the hubby went to our rental office and got a key for the fitness center. It is located in the building right next to our apartment. We went and checked it out last night. They have three treadmills, two ellipticals, a bike, and a stair-stepper. They also have free handweights and a weight machine.

Out of curiosity, I stepped onto the elliptical and gave it a whirl. I think it's actually something I might like, given time and determination. I lasted only about two minutes before I felt like I was going to collapse, but it was two minutes at a pretty good stride rate. Or so I thought until the darn machine told me to "stride faster"! WHATEVER!

I tried to get on the bike as that used to be one of my favorite things to do to get exercise. I had an exercise bike of my own until my oversized body (many pounds less than I am right now, actually) managed to bend the sprocket and it couldn't be fixed. I got onto the seat and next was to try to get my feet into the stirrups on the pedals. No go! I think that hubby put the seat too low. It hurt my legs to bend that much. I'll give it another whirl next time. Thankfully, no one else was there to witness my humiliation!

I just have to make myself walk over there and do it. I know that I don't move my body enough. I'm hoping I can commit to this and make it work as well as track the calories in. It would be nice to have someone other than the hubby to go with but oh well. He's better than going alone.

Afterwards, they also have a sauna and a whirlpool/hottub. I tried out a sauna in college with my friend and thought I was gonna die. I couldn't breathe in there. And I'm not all that fond of hottubs. All I can think about is bacteria and germs and how that stuff grows with heat. Fungus among us! UGH I know that the heat is logically probably high enough to kill stuff and they put chemicals in it, but it still grosses me out. Hubby loves the hottub, though. He'll probably go over there with me and spend much of his time in there! LOL

Anyway, I'm on a quest to find out about what I should eat before working out. I know I read somewhere at some time that one should eat something. I think I read eat protein, but can't for the life of me remember. I was going to ask on the fitness boards at Sparkpeople, but everyone there seems so fit and it really made me feel like crap. I miss the old 100+ forum where I would have thought nothing about asking this question, but that's my hang-up to deal with. I've accepted that area is gone (Sparkpeople did an overhaul and now we have to post in teams which limits who answers us) and admit the hang-up is mine and mine alone. Wise words from Coach Dean made me see and acknowledge this. I don't want to hold myself back, but I cannot ask fitness questions in an area where people seem pretty darn fit to me!

So if you have knowledge or an opinion about eating before working out, please do share. I searched the Sparkpeople articles about fitness and found nothing. I did find eating something like half a sandwich made with tuna or turkey after working out is a good idea but nothing about before. Help me out, guys!

Computer Problems

I'm having some problems with the computer. Dell technician said he thinks the motherboard is fried. Will send someone out to assess and repair if it can be saved. Until then, I may be a little scarce so no need to check daily for a new post, if you do. Thanks!

Why?

Why does my first thought out of bed in the morning revolve around food? Why is it that I finish a meal and am already thinking about what the next one will be? Why must I be fixated on food all the time?

I'm so tired of thinking about food. I'm so tired of trying to figure out the right combinations of foods to eat, at the right times, in the right portions. It seems to be the focus of my entire day, every day.

I went to a dietician. What I wanted was for her to help me to come up with a month or two of menu plans so I would have all of that figured out for me. The plans here at Sparkpeople have been no help to me at all. There are too many substitutions, too many things on there that I've either never eaten or will never eat. I just don't get it. Isn't there a plan somewhere that will just lay it all out for me?

I guess I'm going to have to return to the exchanges and count the calories to ensure I'm getting enough. It's just aggravating to have to constantly think about what I'm going to eat. I suppose part of the thinking about it all the time is making sure I have the things I need to actually follow whatever I plan. One day, if ever I get down to a "normal" weight, I want to sit down with someone and just come up with menus that are inexpensive yet will allow others to just pick and eat. Yes, that's kind of what Nutrisystem allowed, but the sodium in that food alone can kill someone. I want to prepare my own food and enjoy it.

That's my rant for today.

And now ... in honor of being thankful this month, I am thankful to be alive today. I have a couple friends who have loved ones in the hospital. One is definitely not going to make it as they have a terminal illness. The other, I don't know much about yet. I'm thankful for my health and the health of my family.

Have a blessed day!

Nothing to Report

I've nothing to say but wanted to check in. Weight is bouncing up and down from 393-395 or so. I started taking a stool softener and we'll see how that does. I know that I'm tired of this problem and now have a real empathy for those who suffer from it all the time.

I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving. Going to my sister's and my oldest daughter with the two girls will drop in for a visit. I'm really looking forward to seeing Ceci and Nadia.

Have a great week.

Doctor Visit

So I went to the doctor yesterday afternoon. She was pleased with my weight loss this last month. I went from 407 down to 393.5 over the last month. I explained the problems I had with what the dietician had told me. She gave me some feedback but bottom line was to do what I am comfortable with. She agreed that I should stop the Meridia for a short time. Save it and use in the future if I get stuck again. Also said that the calcium could be causing my problem so to stop it or only take it once a day and see what happens. She also said if I'd increased my fiber, I need to increase my water intake so that's my next chore to tackle.

Today I'm off to do mundane things like go do the laundry and go to the grocery store. It's back to work for me tonight on the overnight shift. Off Saturday and then work the evening shift on Sunday. One of the other overnight staff may be off on medical leave for the next 3-4 weeks so my hours and days may get all messed up. Oh boy! I can hardly wait!

Today I'm thankful to be alive. That's about it!

Today

I am thankful for having a job that at least gets the bills paid and puts food in my stomach and a roof over my head. It ain't much, but it's what I've got. Sure, there never seems to be enough money but we don't need anything. We want lots, but we have what we need. There are so many out there who are homeless, haven't eaten in over 24 hours, are wearing rags, and are worrying about how they are going to stay warm and live through the coming winter. I am so blessed to not be one of those people today.

On the diet front, I'm down to 393.5 this week. I still seem to have the constipation problem, though I stopped the Meridia, the vitamins, and the calcium supplements. I don't think I'm getting enough fat in my diet, not by planning but just by how it's working out. I have to work on that. And I see the doctor today, unless they call and cancel like they did yesterday. I'll be talking with her about it and see what she says. I know it's not lack of fiber or water so it has to be the fat issue. Maybe a stool softener will be in order for a short time until things get back to normal. *chuckles*

Oh ... I forgot to add that today is the anniversary of the day Tim and I met. It was a blind date set up by my best friend from college and his best friend from childhood. We went out for pizza and then bowling. It didn't matter neither Tim or I could bowl, almost all of mine went into the gutter. We had fun! Sometimes it doesn't feel like that was 23 years ago!

Thankfulness

This being the month of November and Thanksgiving, I'm going to pop in often to share the things I'm thankful in my life. I do a whole lot of whining and complaining. I need to be thankful for what I have and stop focusing so much on the things I want. Dreams are fine, but sometimes one just needs to be thankful for what they have and I know that I am blessed to have what I do. That said, here is my first post of 'thanksgiving' ...



Today I am thankful for Tim. He is always there to pick me up when I fall. He's there with a supportive hand when I stumble. He gives me encouragement when I feel I just can't go on any longer. He loves me unconditionally and has never stopped, even when I managed to pack on a whopping 300 pounds since marriage. He helps to guide me through this event called life. He cares when no one else does and even when I don't care myself. He supports me no matter what, even when I make stupid decisions. He doesn't criticize or belittle me. He doesn't hit me or try to hurt me. In 22 years of marriage, he's never cheated on me. He has been here and is my rock. Next to the Lord, he is my foundation and my reason for living. I just wanted to share what I'm thankful for today. Tomorrow may be a different story. He may just tick me off and then all bets are off. *giggles*

Thanks!

Just wanted to say a big thank you to those of you who have been visiting me lately. It's been great to stop in and find so many are reading my witless musings. LOL

I had to stop taking the Meridia. I think it made me constipated and has created another problem. I'll talk with my doctor and see what she has to say. I'm praying she doesn't want to do a colonoscopy. I know it isn't a big deal. Tim has had two of them and a couple endoscopies as well. I just don't want to have one myself.

The weight continues to bounce from 395-397. I'm going to just do what I know works and see what happens. I have to track the calories throughout the day. I have to drink my water. I have to get off my butt and move more. I'm slowly getting there and know that I'm not giving up. It's such a slow process but perhaps it's best for my body this way.

I watch a progam on Discovery Health Channel every week called Big Medicine. Last week's episode had a lady on there who had lost 200 pounds following gastric bypass surgery. The skin hanging was not pretty. She was trying to get surgery to have the skin removed but her insurance company sees this as cosmetic surgery no matter what her doctors have said. She gets rashes where the skin touches and has back problems from the weight of the skin pulling her forward. They don't care. In the back of my mind, I worry about having the same issue. But ... losing weight as I am, I'm also praying that it won't be such a big issue. She had surgery to lose weight and lost it quickly so her body could not adjust. I can't concern myself with the what if's though. Getting the weight off is the most important thing. I'll tackle the rest when the time comes.

Life is good. Work is busy and I've been working extra days. If I don't post much for the next few days it's because I'm working extra shifts and just don't have the time. No worries. "I'll be back!" (said in my best Arnold voice) *giggles*

Frustrated

Frustration has set in. I am so tired of losing 3-5 pounds and then bouncing up and down forever. The Meridia did help me to drop 12 pounds and get below 400 pounds. Since then I've been bouncing up and down 395-399. I guess I should be happy I'm remaining below 400 but I'm not really. I'm so tired!

Went to the dietician and she wants me to increase my carbohydrates. What? I'm not a low-carb freak, but I do some limiting of carbs. She claims that I don't get enough carbs to level out my blood glucose levels which keeps my metabolism from working at it's ultimate level. Whatever! I followed her advice for a week and it's gotten me absolutely no where!

She also wants me to increase my fiber. I don't have any issues with the 'cleansing of my body' but she claims I don't get enough of that either. I have tried, but again, it doesn't seem to make much difference. I eat plenty of natural fruits and veggies so always figured fiber was the least of my concerns.

I started taking Centrum Silver to ensure that I'm getting the proper nutrients. I also now chew up two Viactiv chews per day to help me with calcium. I don't like milk. Most of my calcium I get from cheese. Cheese can be high in sodium, the one thing she said I get too much of. No kidding! Sodium is in EVERYTHING. Do you hear the frustration?

There are days when I just want to give up. I want to believe that the Lord doesn't want me to stay fat forever, but with each obstacle I come up against, I have to wonder. I know I've "dieted" my way to being this fat. If only I'd been happy to weigh 232 all those years ago, I'd never have yo-yoed my way up to 530 pounds. How sad is it that the one thing I wanted so desperately (to be a thin and normal person ... and yes normal is relative) would cause me to be so damned fat? I know it makes me sad and I'm oh so tired of it being the focus of all that I am.

As to work and my blog, I did a search and found only one post that mentioned the company by name. I took that sentence out and there are now no concerns on that front. And speaking of work, I'm actively going to look for a new job. I'm tired of the screwed up hours and the thanklessness of this job. I'm praying about it and sure hope that the Lord provides some guidance in all of this.

I'll try not to disappear for quite so long. Didn't mean to make anyone worry. I just have been so frustrated and felt I had nothing to say. Obviously by the length of this post, I have a LOT to say, huh. LOL

It's Definitely Working

So last night work was crazy. Suffice it to say that there's going to be legal issues (and no I'm not in trouble) and some stress coming my way. It has to be and that's about all I can as I never know when someone will stumble upon this blog and I'll be in trouble for talking about my employer. Unfortunately, quite a long time ago, I named them here. I'm too lazy to go back and find where and edit it all out, though I probably could pinpoint the month if I really tried and searched.

That said, I got home and in bed about 11 AM this morning. Got up and weighed myself and could not believe my eyes. The scale is registering 395 pounds! What? Just last Thursday I weighed 407. What in the heck is going on?

I've been creeping downward a pound or two daily. I don't know if it's because I'm tracking calories more diligently or the Meridia. I honestly am not too concerned about why, really. I'm just thrilled that something is working. I'm praying that I'm now below 400 forever.

Onward and downward I charge!

Update on Meridia

Stopping by to say hello and wish everyone a wonderful end to the Sabbath. I've had a good day. I went ahead and started the Meridia on Friday. Had a mild problem (upset tummy and none too pleasant other stuff) at the end of the day. It could have been the medication, however, the side effect is constipation and not the other. LOL Too much info I know and I do apologize. It could also have been the salad I had at McDonald's as sometimes salads out act as a laxative for me. At any rate, I am tracking what I'm eating and for the last three days have stayed well within my calorie range at Sparkpeople.

I have to call the dietician that works with my medical group tomorrow and set up an appointment. Was hoping the insurance would cover a bariatric dietician, but not right now. That's okay. I'll go see this one with an open mind and hopefully she'll tell me something I don't already know. I've printed up my SP Nutrition reports to take with me so she'll know how I've been eating. Should I learn anything useful, I'll be sure to pass it on.

Raining in my corner of the world today. I don't mind it, really. It's been a while since we had a real rain. I'm going to make a pot of chili in a bit. I'll measure everything I put into it (which I don't usually do) so I can track the total calories and figure out how much for a one cup serving. I'm pretty sure I'll eat more than a cup, but that will be my starting point. At least done this way, I can enter it into my SP nutriton tracker and know from now on what I'm getting when I eat my own chili.

Doctor Visit Update

I did go see my doctor. She was thrilled with my blood pressure at 112/72. We discussed my weight bouncing up and down the same 5-6 pounds from 399-405 and how I'm really frustrated with it right now. If I were a weaker person, I'd just say 'to heck with it all' and quit. But I'm not so no worries about quitting.

We talked about Meridia, Xenical, and Byeeta (sp?). She gave me a script for Meridia. She advised me that it works well for some and not at all for others. This is a way to jump-start things again. It is not a long-term plan. She agreed with the calories/fat/protein/carbs ratios that Spark has given me to follow. She said I'm doing pretty well with my walking and need to make sure to continue that.

We also discussed depression (at the prompting of my dear hubby). If I continue to struggle with it as I have been, meds may be in my future for that as well. I'd really rather not take those, but will if it comes right down to it.

All in all it was a good visit. I will continue to track calories, walk, and take things one day at a time. I am going to beat this weight once and for all. It's just taking a heck of a lot longer than I ever thought it would.

The Struggle Remains

The struggle continues, though the acute hunger has now passed. The weight on the scale continues to bounce up and down five to seven pounds each week. Thankfully, it's the same pounds so I haven't really gained anything but it is frustrating.

I'm considering going strictly by what Sparks says for me to eat. Until now, I've been eating what I want, making the healthy choices, and tracking the calories. I'm going to pull up the Spark menus and see what I can live with and go for it. Get paid on Thursday and can then go grocery shopping and lay in what I need. I have to do something and this is as good as anything else.

Also, I go back to my doctor tomorrow. I'll see what she thinks. I know I haven't walked as much I should. It's been so darned hot here in Illinois. Today starts the cool down and then it's going to be really cool for a bit, or so the weather guy says. I'm so ready for a true fall and then into winter. I don't even mind walking in the cold. Hat, mittens, coat ... oh, I need to get a new coat. Mine is three years old and way too big on me this year. That's a good thing!

I'll check back in the next couple days and spill what the doctor thinks. Until then ... the struggle continues. One day at a time and deal with issues as they arise.

End of the week

I made it through the rough wanting to eat all day episode. I've eaten okay since then. Staying pretty much in the calorie range I need to be in. I've been walking. Nothing seems to be making a difference on the scale. That is what gets me so darned angry! I try and nothing happens. I don't try and noting happens. It's difficult to remain motivated and positive when nothing seems to matter. I guess I've become complacent. It's time for me to figure out a way to shake things up. I'll talk with my doctor next week and see what she has to say.

I'm just really weary of the day to day struggles and issues that seem never ending. I know everyone else struggles with the same things but dang! Still approaching life one day at a time.

Struggling with food

Well I had a really terrible day yesterday eating wise. I know I'm depressed but this may be my all time low. I wanted to eat. I had an insatiable appetite. I ate breakfast (2 eggs, 2 slices of whole wheat toast, and applesauce) and was still hungry. I had an apple and a cheese stick for a snack. Still hungry. Went to lunch with Tim and had a 1/2 lb burger (never can make myself order the 1/3 lb one!) and a large salad. I only ate the bottom bun. That should have satisfied me. But ... you guessed it! I was still hungry!

All day long I battled with wanting to eat more and more. I didn't, but it was definitely a war raging inside me. And I couldn't stay awake. I had plenty of sleep the night before, but for some reason (depression, I'm sure) I continued to doze off in my chair all day long. It was irritating and frustrating.

I finally got around to making my lasagna. Forgot to put the spinach down, so made the whole thing with extra lean ground beef. Ate a normal size portion and was still hungry. Had a second one. Then I had a mini apple pie I had made for dessert. (Got the recipe from Teresa's friend while up in Alaska and they are so good. I used splenda instead of sugar. They are made inside muffin tin cups and are the perfect size.) I managed to eat only one, though I had made ten.

By the time I went to work, the hunger seemed to have subsided and I felt like I was returning to myself once again. I am motivated to do what I can do and the rest is up to the Lord. In all honesty, I do feel like I'm doing everything in my power, but when I re-read what I've written, I wonder if I'm just making excuses once again.

I hated myself yesterday. Today I'm okay with who I am. It's weird to be so out of control. That isn't who I am. It really isn't. On some occasions, I'm even a real control freak!

A Down Day

I'm sorry to have disappeared yesterday. I worked the overnight shift on Friday and had missed two days last week. Thought I was only scheduled on one of them but was wrong. One was covered by a sick day but not the other. So I got off work at 9 AM yesterday. Came home and slept til 2:30 PM then up, took Tim for a quick lunch and then back to work at 4:00 PM. I worked til 11 PM. Egads!

The girls went out on store runs. We went to the beauty supply store for a couple to get hair so the evening supervisor can braid their hair. We went to the dollar store as they always get some munchies for the weekend. We went to Walmart. I admit I rode the electric cart there so I could keep up with the girls I was in charge of. We went to Burger King, McDonalds, a Thai restaurant, a Chinese restaurant, and finally back to the house. We left at 5 and got back at 8. Then I sat downstairs to monitor phone calls while some girls watched music videos. It wasn't a bad night but I was totally pooped by the end of it!

I found my pedometer and finally put a battery in it. I walked about a mile and a half yesterday. Woo hoo for me! LOL

And now ... this all occurred much later in the day.

I dunno what the heck is up with me. I managed to overeat my calories by 1000 today and I thought I was making the healthy choices. I'm so frustrated with this!

On a good note, I wanted to make excuses and not walk today. I didn't, though. In spite of the pain in my knees, the dull ache in my left ankle (dunno why), the pulling on my incision, and the pain in my thigh while walking, I did it anyway. And with my pedometer strapped on I found that the walk around the park is half a mile, not a quarter of a mile as I had thought.

I still feel defeated, though. I can't seem to get a handle on this. If I was offered the lap-band surgery tomorrow, I'd leap at the chance.

At dinner tonight a little boy probably about two was pointing at me and saying "Look at that great big lady". Him mom was mortified and immediately launched into a lecture about how that wasn't nice. He didn't mean anything by it, and he is just a child. Heck, Ceci could do that to someone one day. But it hurt just the same. It certainly helped me to make the choice to have ice cream after dinner. *sigh* And so it goes.

Renewed Committment

And so it has begun.

I've finished my breakfast. I had one Morningstar veggie sausage patty, a cup of cantaloupe (yes, I did measure it in a measuring cup so I'd be sure and wow, LOW in cals), two packages of Quaker Weight Control oatmeal (I cannot make myself eat just one but figure with the amount of cals I'm supposed to eat in a day it won't matter), and a tbsp of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter in the oatmeal. Tracked it all and breakfast cost me about 1/3 of my total calorie intake for the day. I figure all in all that's not too bad.

I am coming to a big revelation for me. I rationalize every single bad choice I make. See the notes above about the two packages of oatmeal. I imagine I don't NEED two packages but one seems like so little food. In the future, if I can't make myself eat only one, then I'm not going to buy oatmeal anymore. This has got to stop and now is the time!

When I don't do a real walk (planned) I tell myself things like "Oh, I walked at the grocery store." So what?! Another fifteen minute walk won't kill me. And that walk will likely be more beneficial as it means I'm in constant motion and not stopping and starting.

I'm going to ask my friends (and that means you all here with me) to help me to stop making excuses. When you see them, if I don't mention them, point them out to me. Maybe if I know others are aware of what I'm doing, it will keep me more on the straight and narrow.

Gosh, but I'm loving having my internet back again!

Oh, and Janet ... I tried to touch base with Paul and his blog is now private by invite only. I've not heard from him in quite some time. I miss many of my friends from days gone by that I haven't kept in touch with. Over the next week or so, I'm going to try to touch base with many of them again.

Dang, forgot to say the official weigh-in this morning was 403.5. I seem to be stuck around the 400 pound mark. I have to get below it, and know I will with hard work, determination, committment, sweat, moving my arse, and making the right choices when I eat.

Yes!

Got my new internet all set up at the house today. I'm pretty excited about it as it will enable me to log onto Sparkpeople every day and log my calories and exercise. I've not been able to do that much without internet at the house.

Tomorrow morning I'll be doing an official weigh-in. I'll likely post a weight tracker here, if I can remember how to do it, and will be doing more regular posts. In time I'd love to get back to posting here every day or at the very least every other day. I know that when I lost all the weight last time, the support was one of my biggest motivators.

Looking forward to just getting more pounds gone. I'd love to hit 200 lbs gone by the end of the year. Sure wish my old friend Paul was around. He was my math go-to guy. And sometimes, A Wonderful Guy would pop in and help me with math, too. Either of them would figure out how many pounds that transfers into per week. I'll get around to figuring it out for myself. Then I can figure out if it's really going to be "doable" or not.

Hmm ... I need to lose 60 pounds to be 200 gone. There are roughly 13 weeks left in this year. I'd need to lose a steady 5 lbs per week to make that goal. I wonder if I can do it. I'm going to give it my best shot. If I can't make it by the end of the year, maybe I can make it by February 2008 which will be my three year anniversary since I started this entire process. To meet that goal, I need to lose about 3.5 lbs a week. Gosh but it seems unlikely but I'm going to give it a whirl. I won't know if I don't set a goal and try, right?

Hello ... anyone still reading this? Please let me know. I'd love to read what you're doing these days, as well. So if you're still blogging, leave me a note and let me know. I'll add you to my list of daily reading and get back into the swing of supporting others as they support me.

Today is a good day!

Time Gets Away from Me

Sometimes the time just gets away from me. Having to go to the library or Panera Bread to get online is a royal pain in the buns! We are in process of getting internet at home, but for some reason ATT is taking their sweet time about turning it on. Maybe they aren't going to turn it on at all since I got slapped with an early termination fee last time I was using them and it took me a while to pay it. If it doesn't happen under my name, we're going to try to get it in Tim's and see what happens. The red tape of it irritates me.

I'm doing fine. No real weight loss of late which has had me down. On the upside I'm not gaining so I am satisfied. I'm going to talk with my doctor about options in October when I go back for a follow-up visit. She had a couple ideas when I was there this month. We'll see how it goes.

The family seems to be fine. The babies are all good. Tim is well, though we had a scare with some tests about his kidney function. Stopped a couple meds (never a bad thing in my opinion) and have seen some improvement already. I'm okay. Been battling some real down times, working lots, and just getting by.

I'll try to make it back more often but can't promise anything.

Photos and How Things are Going

Tried to post a video, but it wouldn't work so the photos are here. One is of Nadia with Grandpa and the other is Ceci with her new baby sister who she calls "my Naddi".

I have been to the doctor and gained a bit of weight on my vacation. No matter, I had a good time and the pounds will come off again. The doctor suggested a couple meds for weight loss and I'm considering them. We will make a decision when I go back in October. One is Meridia which she says is an appetite suppressant. The other is a newer med that will require me to give myself injections two times per day. Not so certain I want to give that one a try! *grinning*

In the past, she has requested I walk and I've not really held up to my end of the bargain. I have made a new committment to walk. Tim says if I do it for the next 30 days I can get internet at home again. What a motivator for me!

We had rain the first day so instead I did a Richard Simmons workout. The key is to move my butt, so I did. Today I'll be going to walk in a local park when I leave here (Panera Bread Co). I did ten minutes of an old aerobic workout tape early this morning. I just have to make myself do it. I know it's the ONE thing that's going to make a difference.

Other than that, I'm still doing the Nutrisystem foods, but will not be placing an order for the next few months. Going to do it on my own again and see where it takes me. I have quite a stock pile and will use that up as I go along but I know in the past I did it without the NS foods and I can and will do it again.

I'll check back as soon as I can.

New Baby

Our newest granddaughter has arrived. Her name is Nadia Marie and she was born on August 29th at 3:45 PM. She weighed 7 lbs 12 1/2 oz and was 21 inches long. She has dark hair. She was a little jaundiced and had to stay an extra 24 hours in the hospital under the UV lamp. She seems to be doing just fine now that she's home.

Things at home are hectic and I have no internet so won't be checking in or posting much for now. I apologize to those of you who use this as a means to keep up with me. I'll try to log in at least once a week but make no promises. I'm working on getting internet at home again. One thing at a time.

Home Again

Just popping in to say we are back home now. Had a fantastic time in Alaska. I'll try to get photos uploaded and share more about the trip tomorrow. It's getting late and I work overnight tonight.

Doing fine

So I'm doing just fine with my eating. Weight hasn't changed much since the doctor visit and I'm gearing up for my trip. We leave on Friday afternoon (the 17th) and will be back on the 24th. I am so ready for this and vow to eat healthy. I know I'll get plenty of exercise as Teresa is going to have us all over Alaska. *laughing* Well, we are going to Fairbanks for a couple days and then to Kenai for a day, as well as a couple days in Anchorage. I know we're going to have a great time! I'm not taking my laptop this time. Just don't want to be bothered with one more thing to lug through the airport and get through security. I may check in from the hotel if I find the time. If not, I'll post an update when we get back.

Weigh in at the doctor office

Went to the doctor office today and for the first time was able to step on the scale and be weighed. Yahoo! The only issue is that there was a discrepancy between my scale and the one at the doctor office. Mine weighs me heavier. Think I'll go with the doc's at this point.

That said, I'm now down to 390 pounds. This means since I re-started NS back in June I have dropped 35 pounds. Since starting my journey in 2005, I have lost a total of 140 pounds. I am pleased with my progress, for sure.

My doctor was also happy with the weight loss. She said my blood pressure was good. She was happy with the amount of walking I'm doing which amounts to about 30 minutes 4-5 days per week. She said to keep up my good work and was thrilled that I am now under 400 pounds!

Got a call from the sleep study center. I have to go back to the doctor to discuss my options. Seems whatever they were measuring (the apnea and drops in oxygen levels while I'm sleeping) are slightly elevated (by three points over the normal average). Big deal is my first response. They went on to say that I have options. GREAT!

Option 1: C-pap machine ... NO way!
Option 2: behavior therapy ... In other words, go on a diet. Duh! I have done that, and didn't need them to tell me I need to lose weight. Sheesh!
Option 3: positional therapy ... Don't sleep on my back. Um ... I NEVER do except during this stupid test because you wouldn't let me sleep on my tummy and every time I got comfortable on my side, you'd come in and tell me to roll onto my back. *sigh* Seemed a ridiculous conclusion, in my opinion.
Option 4: orthodontic appliance worn while sleeping ... I'll listen and consider it, but still feel it is totally unnecessary!

So I go to talk about all this at the end of the month, after my trip to Alaska. I will listen, but honestly think it's all a bunch of crap and a scam to get more money from my insurance company.

No movement

Been another week and this one has been a wash. No movement on the scale, but I have been having successes anyway. I've been walking more and more and I no longer use the elevator at work. I'm up to five trips up and down the stairs now. Woo hoo! I'm slow going down, one step at a time as in baby steps, but I'm doing it and will continue to.

Enjoyed family time this weekend. My brother's oldest son was in town so we drove down to visit and attend a BBQ. I didn't do the best with eating at it, but not nearly as bad as it could have been. I'm okay with it all.

Back on track today, though we'll be on the road in a bit. I'm going to stick with my program and see what happens. No planned eating off plan today.

The next mini-goal

I'm pleased to report that today when I got up I weighed in at 399 pounds. That puts me down 26 pounds since I re-started Nutrisystem on June 10 and a total of 131 pounds since I started losing weight in January 2005. I'm quite pleased with this progress. Yes, it's taking me a LONG time to get the pounds off, but it took me a while to pack them on, so it's all good.

My next mini-goal is a weight of 375 which is now 24 pounds away. Once there, I will be back at the lowest weight I've been in about 15-20 years. I weighed in at 375 last fall on the day I came home from my surgery. Once there I will be at a total of 155 pounds lost and well on my way to my 200 pounds gone goal. I was hoping to make that milestone by the end of this year, but if not, it's okay. I'm slowly chipping away at it and in good time, I will get where I'm going.

Progress and the Sleep Study

I managed to lose back down to 402 this week which is actually two pounds less than I weighed last time before the gain last week. I'm okay with that. I've been making myself be more active, walking in stores especially.

And now about the sleep study I went to last night ... I only went to the sleep study because the pulmonary specialist insisted. I wake up feeling refreshed most of the time so am pretty darn sure I don't have sleep apnea. It was not a true representation of my sleeping as I had a really hard time falling asleep with all those wires and things attached to me. It seemed every time I managed to fall asleep, they would wake me up to change positions. I'm a tummy sleeper and that wasn't allowed. I sleep with my radio playing every night and that wasn't allowed. I don't usually go to bed until 11 or midnight. They put me to bed at 9, It really wasn't a pleasant experience at all. And don't even get me started about the "paste" in my hair. Ick! I'm certainly glad that experience is behind me and hope to never repeat it again.

For those who know me, Mandi and Tim (her hubby) made it to South Carolina safely. They seem to be settling in fine. She's a bit bored as they don't have cable right now, but she did manage to hook up her tv to rabbit ears so she gets the local channels. She said the baby is doing well and seems to be enjoying being with her daddy, finally.

Progress is slow going

Well a week ago Sunday I weighed but did not post that I had gained. I had managed to balloon myself back up to 412 pounds. Some of it was from eating out as I traveled to visit my girls. I was amazed that in a week I managed to go from 404 to 412. Then the wonderful monthly monster hit and it all started to make sense.

I'm pleased to post that as of today I am back down to 405 and am confident that by Sunday I will be lower. Whether I will be at 404 or even lower is to be determined. I guess most of the gain was indeed monthly gain, however it has never been that drastic before.

I'd also like to note a small victory for myself today. I went to the grocery store and had made up my mind before I entered that I was going to pass by the electric carts and walk. I did just that! I got three quarters of the way through the store, after an hour of walking, and my right leg was going completely numb from my hip to my knee. This happens a lot and I've talked with my doctor about it. She suspects it's a pinched nerve caused by the weight as I walk. At any rate, normally there is a bench there that I could have rested on until feeling returned. Today, it was not there! I ended up having to return to the front of the store to get an electric cart to finish. Unfortunately, this made me feel bad about myself. I had so hoped to walk the entire shopping trip. I'm proud I did what I did, but disappointed I gave in instead of pushing through it. I know that's kind of unreasonable, but it's how I feel.

I'll be getting a new shipment of food this next week. I picked up some great fresh fruits (strawberries, nectarines, red grapes) today as well as a few entrees to get me through until the food arrives. One meal and one day at a time is how I will make it. Looking forward to an upcoming vacation to Alaska in August to visit my dear adopted Sparksister, Teresa. I'd love to be under 400 pounds by then, so for now that's my newest goal. I can and will do this until I get it right!

I'm still here

So I am out here, doing what I do. Spent a bit of time off work last week. Tim and I had some fun sharing old memories. Visited the girls and the grandbabies. I'll try to add a photo or two and see what happens.



Voila! Ceci and Chloe at dinner. Ceci just HAD to hold her baby cousin!





And here is one of all my girls ... Mandi, Crys, Chloe, and Cecilia. My little family of girls, soon to add one more sometime near the end of August.

Feeling good

Gosh but I'm feeling so GREAT! It's amazing to me the difference just twenty-one pounds can make. I am starting to feel it in my body as I move about. I can tell my legs are thinner. My waist is becoming more defined. Of course, I still have that ugly "apron" of fat around my middle. I know in my head that it's going to take surgery to be rid of that completely. The good news is that it does seem to be getting smaller. I'm quite pleased with my progress so far. It isn't that I'm being an angel and sticking 100% to the program, but I am allowing myself to deviate once in a while. I know that if I had to stop ordering NutriSystem tomorrow, I'd be okay again; at least for a while.

Weighing In

As of today I am now down to 406 pounds. That means since I started NutriSystem again I have lost 19 lbs. It has been almost a month and I'm quite pleased with the results.

I am doing a little better with the walking. I am parking farther away when I go out places. I am getting up and doing stuff for myself all the time, instead of relying on Tim to bring me things. It's all progress. I know that walking is going to be one of the keys to my success eventually so I have to build on it. I can't wait until it gets cool again (like fall or even winter) so I can walk and not sweat. I know sweat is the fruit of my labor but I can't stand it!

Monthly Loss

So, for the month of June I officially lost 16 pounds. Yes, the majority of them were the first week, but in the long run, that isn't what is important. What matters most is the average loss over time. And I'm still losing, even if it's slowly, so no big deal.

Life is very busy right now. Three of the four overnight staff on vacation. Guess you can figure out who isn't on vacation right now! LOL I will probably be scarce over the next two weeks. I will still do my best to check in and post my weekly losses.

Still doing NutriSystem and doing okay. They have a whole new website there and I really need to find time to check it out. It looks clean and user friendly but that remains to be seen. Now, I need to go log my last week loss (one pound) and get going.

I figured it out ...

I figured out why my weight loss wasn't what I had wanted it to be. After several days of not being able to log online, I finally managed to log my foods at Sparkpeople for the last several days. Holy cow! Two of those days I was on the verge of 2000 calories and one day I went over that! How in the world that happened ... I know. Let's just say I'm going to be a lot more aware of what I'm really eating. Sheesh! It felt good to have an answer to my question of why or how, though.

Today I did my first workout with the PBS series "Sit and Be Fit". It went rather well. I felt it was kind of basic, but maybe that's what I need right now. I figure any moving is moving so it's a good thing. I'm also going to get the VCR hooked up so I can get back to working out with Richard Simmons on my fitness ball. I also have the DVD player ready so I can "walk away the pounds" with Leslie Sansone again. If I can do one of the three each day I figure I should be good to go. Add to that a short walk of at least ten minutes a day working up to 30 and I should be well on my way to making this a lasting weight loss program.

Gosh but it feels good to be back in control again.

Another Week Down

I am still here and kicking. Have been working strange hours lately (sometimes day shift, sometimes evening, and other times overnight). Since I generally have to go to the library (which is crowded with teenagers online at myspace.com and youtube.com) or go to Panera Bread (which offers free wi-fi) my online time has been seriously diminished!

My second week has resulted in two more pounds gone so that makes a total of fifteen in two weeks. I was a little wigged out about it, but as Tim said, "It's a loss and that's a good thing." I have since decided that I'm okay with two pounds down. That's still well over the average of two pounds per week I'm ultimately shooting for.

LIfe continues to click on. Tim ordered new glasses Friday morning. Sheesh, but why do they have to be so darned expensive?! My sleep study is scheduled for the end of July. I go back to see my regular doctor before that. Still no word from the pulmonary doctor about my pulmonary function test or the CAT scan of my lung. I figure if it was going to be bad news, I would have heard from him by now. All appears to be well.

I'll try to check in again before the weekend, but no promises.

Drum roll please ...

Okay! I re-started eating the NutriSystem way one week ago tomorrow. I couldn't wait any longer to step on the scale. Wow! I am shocked and amazed at the loss of weight this past week. I knew it would be a better than average loss as I hadn't really be making an effort of late, but the number blows me away. It's the best weight loss I've ever had, EVER!

Are you ready for the number? I went down from 425 to 412 in a week. Yes, that's right. I lost 13 pounds this past week! I am so psyched and so excited and so darned motivated to keep the momentum going. I am proud of myself and thrilled that what I knew would get me going again has definitely done that and more!

Woo hoo for me! And it hasn't been difficult. I haven't felt punished. I haven't felt like I was missing out on anything. I ate what I was supposed to eat. I managed to still go out with Tim, make the right choices, and do what I needed to do.

Now I need to get off my big butt and move it more. I really have to start walking. I promised the doctor I would. It's been so hot and work hours have been weird and I just can't seem to make myself do that one little thing. The doctor isn't asking much. She's asking me to walk at least five minutes three times a day and build to 30 minutes at least five days a week. Why am I struggling so with getting it done? I honestly must just be a lazy person. I continue to tell myself I have to move more if I seriously want to keep the weight off in the long run, and I do. Oh yes, I do! So what is my issue? How do I get started? How do I make myself just do it? That is the issue I will try to deal with this week and I'll keep you updated on the progress.

Oh, and I found one NS meal so far that I absolutely could not eat. Orange Beef with Noodles ... it was so nasty last night that three bites was all I could manage to choke down, and I do mean choke! UGH Taste was horrible, texture was ick, and though I told myself I needed the calories and protein it contained I couldn't force myself to eat it. That resulted in my feeling hungry for the first time since starting NS again. Not a good thing, but I resisted all snacks at work last night and feel pretty darn good about that!

It's so easy

You know, I totally forgot how easy the NutriSystem program really is. I've been at it since Thursday and not strayed once from the program. I eat out with Tim, taking one of my entrees that just need water added (or eating my entree at home) and having a salad. I add fresh fruit or a veggie serving for dinner and it's been going GREAT! I'm down more pounds than I thought I would be in my first week back at it! I'm very happy about that.

Went to the doctor yesterday. She seemed pleased that I'm doing NS again, but worries I will become dependent upon it. I assured her this is only for a few months until I get myself going again. The majority of weight I've lost already was lost post NS before so I know I'll be just fine. She said I definitely need to start walking, which I promised I will do ... starting Sunday! LOL

I went for the CAT scan of my lungs this morning. Should hear from the pulmonary doctor about the results in a few days. Need to call his office to get the number for the sleep study center as they still have not called to schedule that. You'd think they would have done it already, but maybe the order got lost along the way. Who knows?

I have my evening packed and ready to take to work with me. It should prove interesting, to eat something different than what is being served to the girls. It won't be an issue, but when someone has something else they almost always raise a fuss.

Off I go and check back after the weekend for my week one weight loss. It's gonna be a good one!

Peeking In

So I did a sneak peek on the scale this morning. In spite of having eaten just a couple hours before, I was showing a decent loss already this week. I won't make a formal announcement until Sunday or Monday as one of those will likely be my "official" weigh in day. Suffice it to say, I'm pleased with the progress already and delighted that I decided to return to NutriSystem if only for a few months.

Mandi and the baby went home today. I enjoyed them being here but I definitely don't miss a crying baby. Chloe is doing quite well. She still eats quite a bit more than most babies, at least to me, but she seems pretty average in size. Her momma is back down to pre-baby weight within five pounds. She still has the stretched skin but is accepting it pretty well.

To the doctor I go in the morning. Thursday I have that darn CAT scan. If I don't hear from them tomorrow, I have to call about the sleep study. I think it's unneccessary, but I'll go. Maybe they will be able to do something about my restless legs that happens from time to time. Not sure I want to take medication for it, but we'll see.

Cabbage on the grill

Janet asked in my comments from yesterday how I do cabbage on the grill so I figured I'd share that this morning. It's really easy to do. I cut the cabbage into wedges. Spread each side of the wedge with ICBINB spread (or use your favorite 'butter' spray or spread substitute). Wrap in aluminum foil and throw on the grill. I tend to cook mine until I can smell it cooking. Sometimes, it gets a little brown but that only adds to the flavor in my opinion. It is really yummy.

My newest grill food is the ole potato. I slice one potato thinly. I spray the aluminum foil with cooking spray. Place the potatoes on the center of the foil. Spray with cooking spray. (I use a butter flavored one.) Sprinkle with Mrs. Dash. Wrap and toss on the grill. Another yummy way to eat one serving of potatoes.

Recently a friend suggested grilled asparagus. I've not tried it yet, basically because I don't know how she prepared it. Maybe one day soon I'll ask and share that with you as well.

So far so good

My first day back on NutriSystem is going quite well. I had the strawberry toaster pastry for breakfast. It sure isn't a poptart, but it wasn't all that bad. With it I had grapes, 1/2 an English muffin with ICBINB spread (thinly) and a slice of 2% swiss cheese. To wash it down I had two glasses of water.

For my mid-morning snack I had more grapes and one string cheese. I really love cheese and am happy to be back eating it again. Funny how you don't eat things you really enjoy when you aren't really focused on what you're eating.

Lunch was at McDonalds but do not fret. I took my NS Italian Minestrone with Beef soup. Asked for a cup of hot water and made the soup there. It was very good! With it I had a salad and a flatout wrap. I totally enjoyed my lunch.

I'm looking forward to dinner. I think I'll have the NS meatloaf with mashed potatoes. It's new, at least to me, and looks good. With it I'll be having cabbage I cook on the grill, a fruit, and yet another flatout wrap (this one Italian herb flavored). Yum!

Mandi and Chloe will be here soon to visit. They'll be here a couple days and then they'll be gone again. I'm looking forward to seeing the changes in the baby. Of course it goes without saying that I'll be holding her and just enjoying having her in my arms again.

I've tracked my foods at Sparkpeople and am well withing my calorie range and even in ine with the percentages of protein, fats, and carbohydrates that they recommend. Ah but life is so good and it feels great to be back in the swing of things. I've even downed six glasses of water thus far and will get at least four more before bedtime.

Tomorrow is the day

Tomorrow is the day I will re-start NutriSystems. Already I feel motivated and excited to beging anew the journey I started over two years ago. I have put my ticker back on so that my friends can watch my progress and I WILL have progress. I refuse to accept anything else!

The foods are sorted and on the shelves. I'm off to the grocery store shortly to get my fruits, veggies, proteins, etc. I have my list and my determination and I will not be deterred. I will not give up on me and I will get to the end of this journey and continue living happy and healthy.

I got the results of my bloodwork and my blood glucose levels were fine. No worries about diabetes for me and I'm happy about that. I have enough to deal with for Tim and that. My thyroid test was a totally different matter. Even after an increase two months ago, it is not working up to par. So yet another increase and we'll see where we are in two months.

I had another kick in the pants this week as well. I had to schedule a CAT scan to have my lungs checked. They found a nodule last fall and it's taken me this long to have it checked out. Anyway ... calling to set it all up and what do you know? The imaging centers the doctor told me to contact couldn't help me because of my weight. (Yet one more discrimination against morbidly obese people is equipment not able to handle our girth and weight.) I ended up in tears and couldn't go any further. My dear sweet hubby got on the phone and called the doctor. They referred me to the hospital and voila! I will go for that test next week at the hospital. Whew!

It was yet another kick in the arse to get me moving in the right direction, though, so it's all good.

I did it!

This morning I placed an order to resume Nutrisystem. I found that a lot of the foods I used to enjoy are either not there or have "new recipes". I sure hope that means the flavors are improved and not worse. Admittedly, some of it was pretty bad and there are things I'd never try again. I ordered a few new things that looked and sounded good. Guess time will tell.

My official re-start weight is going to be a whopping 425 pounds. I hate to admit it, but that's the stark reality. The good news is that I know that number won't be showing on the scale for long, nor do I intend to return to over 400 ever again! I know the NS program is going to work for me. I know this because it worked last time and also because it costs money. I don't throw money away so I know I will stick with this program to get the most for my money.

I'm actually feeling excited about getting started again. I know it's going to be some work, but it is familiar. I have my wonderful group of Howdy Girls at Sparkpeople and the few who still stop and post here. I don't know how many are stopping by anymore. I had a tracker here and when Sue did the new design for me, I forgot to add it back. Not sure I'd know how now. *laughing at myself* IF I get brave, maybe I'll try it when I am logged in on a much faster wi-fi connection. Right now I've hijacked someone's and it is sometimes very SLOW.

That's all the news from me today. Please feel free to leave comments when you drop by. It's a comfort to know others out there care. I really need to get back to supporting those who want or need my support as well. It's such an important part of the journey.

Gearing Up

Life has been very busy lately. Work has kicked me in the butt. The baby being here had interrupted my sleep pattern. And with no internet at home, getting online has been a real issue. As it is, I am right now sitting at Panera Bread for the fast internet connection.

Mandi and the baby moved out mid-week. She had enough of us, I guess. We did our best to do right by her and Chloe but for reasons of her own, she just didn't want to be here anymore. I miss that little bundle but am coping with the loss.

I'll be ordering Nutrisystem no later than Sunday evening so should be starting that in the next couple weeks. I'm excited to get back on track and have the numbers go down on the scale. I know that this is going to give me the push back that I need to renew my journey!

Darn public computers!

So, I typed this whole long post, here at the library and it got eaten somewhere between "publish post" and my blog! ARGH!!!

Basically I had said all are doing well. I'm going to restart Nutrisystem for a couple months to get me going again. Will keep you all posted. Would re-type the post, but my time is almost up at the library and I can't log in again for a few hours. Such is my life right now.

The Ugly Truth

Okay ... Deb commented that she was happy to read about the baby but what about the weigh loss journey. I suppose since that is how this whole blog started, and how I met so many wonderful people, it's time to get back to posting more about it.

The ugly truth is that in the last year I've crept up to 415 pounds once again. It isn't something I did without knowing it. I've been watching as the numbers slowly crept back up again. And I've been alarmed about it. I've made all kinds of excuses to myself and to others. The "I've had a rough year" and "So many life changes have happened" and "I've been under a lot of stress" and "I went back to work" and "I moved" and on and on it goes. Deep down I've known they are all excuses and though they are all valid reasons, none of them is really acceptable. They are what they are and what I've told myself to keep from beating myself up. It has to stop and the time for that to happen is now.

I am back to eating at home more. I even grilled out yesterday (chicken, a small potatoe sliced with chives and peppers) and it was very good. I'll be cooking on the new grill which I happened to assemble all by myself more in the coming days, weeks, months. I am making the healthier choices and will stop the mindless eating I've fallen into doing when feeling stressed and unhappy. It is time to start the process of losing the pounds once again. I can for sure tell the difference with these pounds regained. I am not going to undo all the hard work I've done so far.

So Deb, thanks for the push to come clean here. I'm going to attempt to get back here more frequently to post. It helped to keep me motivated in the past. I've lost touch with many I had come to care a lot about. It saddens me but I can't let it drag me completely down.

I'm going to utilize Sparkpeople more, tracking the calories, drinking my water, and moving the body. I know it all goes hand in hand and I am back to it all. That's the truth and I hope by next week I'll be reporting I'm on my way down once again. I believe with my work schedule my weigh in days will be either Tuesday or Wednesday, so keep your eyes peeled and you may just get to see the pounds melt off once again!

Birth Announcement

Hello, hello!

No, I did not fall off the face of the earth. The move went pretty well. Everything is put away and except for the fact that we are having a heck of a time getting cable tv hooked up (long story for another day perhaps) we are settled nicely.

I did take a few days this last week to spend time at the hospital as my youngest daughter Mandi gave birth to my new granddaughter. She had to be induced and it was a rough labor and delivery. Mandi had pre-eclampsia. She was induced on Friday morning but was still only about two centimeters at the end of the day. Her blood pressure was dangerously high and the doctor recommended an epidural. He said it would help her to relax, bringing her blood pressure down, get rid of the back pain (all back labor), and allow her body to continue with the dilation process. Her only other option was a C-section which she didn't want.

Saturday morning (April 28) she was in stage two labor (pushing phase) about 8:00. Many times she wanted to give up but she was coaxed by myself and her hubby (who managed to get a short furlough for the birth) and managed to keep going. Baby was born at 9:55 AM. Her name is Chloe Jayne and she weighed 7 lbs 15 oz. She was 20 1/2 inches long. She has a good head of dark hair. Her eyes are currently a dark grey-blue and they are just beautiful. Of course, I may be a bit prejudiced!

Chloe and momma came home on Sunday afternoon and there have been some adjustments. Mom had never changed a diaper in her life! She's been a really quick learner. She does really well with Chloe and that baby is a good baby. Already, she has slept through the last two nights.

Gotta run as I have training at work. Didn't get the new position. It's okay. Would have made life easier, but ah well.

Interview, Doctor Appointment, Moving

So I have the interview for the new job in the morning. The latest scuttle is that of the four people who applied, I am the only one qualified for the position. Interestingly enough, the Program Manager of the home I'm in has already hired someone to work a split shift (meaning two overnight shifts and two evening shifts) which is my shift. That is not a position that was open, so one can only assume that I will be offered the new position. I guess I'll know more tomorrow.

In the late afternoon, I have a doctor appointment. Time to get new scripts for my thyroid meds and blood pressure meds. I also need to discuss restless leg syndrome (which I believe I have), carpal tunnel (which I think is affecting my right wrist), and a couple other issues. After the appointment, I have to head on in to work as I am supposed to be "in charge" on Thursdays since there is no supervisor in the home now that the Evening Supervisor (who replaced me) is on maternity leave.

We are moving on Friday and Saturday. I'll do my best to check in when it's all said and done, but if I disappear for a few, you'll now know why. I have to call the cable tomorrow and see how quickly they can change my cable and internet to the new apartment. It's in the same complex, but one building over. We're going to a two-bedroom so that Mandi will have her own room when the baby comes. Don't know how long she'll be here after she has the baby, but it's better to be prepared.

Nothing new on the weight loss front to report. I'm holding steady and that's an accomplishment. I sure am praying things slow down and I can get back on track. I may even return to Nutrisystem to get me going as I did when I started this all two years ago.

Happy Easter

Just wanted to pop in while I have a moment to wish everyone a Happy Easter. My youngest daughter asked me yesterday who even celebrates Easter. I was flabbergasted to find out she really had no clue that Easter is a religious holiday. We never attended church regularly when she was young but I know that the story of the resurrection has been told to her before. The things we find out about our kids!

Am down in Danville this morning. Drove down yesterday so Mandi can hook up with her hubby. He got 96 hours of approved leave due to the holiday. Getting him from Fort Knox to here was difficult, but it finally happened. They get to spend a little time together and then it's back to base for him. He still has at least ten weeks more of training there. After that, the baby should be here (due April 26) and I guess Mandi is planning to join him where ever he ends up, unless he's deployed to Iraq. Keep saying that's not going to happen, but we won't know until he gets his next duty station orders. I'm starting to really not appreciate all that Marine families are put through. This not knowing if he could come home until the last minute for Easter got me pretty much fed up. How the heck are the families supposed to make plans, when orders change at the last second. And his travel radius is only 300 miles. I feel badly for those who got the 96 hour leave and can't really leave because home is just too far away. Makes me sad.

Other than that, life is okay. Applied for a different position at work. It's for complete overnights full time. Sunday through Thursday from 11 PM to 7 AM. It is called Overnight Coordinator. It is a paperwork position for the most part. From time to time, I will be required to respond to calls for help when kids go "intensive" and need to be restrained. It is considered a supervisory position and would likely mean an increase back to at least where I was before. I know four other people from my campus have applied. Not sure if anyone else internally in the company applied or not. I have an interview with the admin on Thursday. We'll see how it goes. I'm afraid I dug myself a hole when I asked to be stepped down. I hope not as at least my schedule would be set and I'd not be doing any more evening shifts working hands on with those girls. Wishing myself luck and skill during the interview.

In case I don't get a chance to pop in again before Sunday ... Happy Easter to those who celebrate it. For those who don't, enjoy the day!

It's Been a While

Yep, it's been a while since I've posted here. I've been pretty down and not doing well on the whole diet front. I've regained back up to 410 once again. I know that it's happening because I'm stuffing my feelings down with food. The first step in fixing it is to admit it. The next step is to find another way to deal with the rampant emotions so I don't continue with the behavior. I'm working on it.

We're in the midst of figuring out whether or not we want to move to a two-bedroom apartment. It's going to cost more but Mandi needs her own space. The baby is about four weeks away based on her due date. By the time the baby gets here, we need somewhere to put her and right now we're cramped enough!

Tim's been an ass of late. Took him to the doctor and his attitude is a little better. Amazing what a small increase in his depression meds will do! He's back to taking his insulin shots and that's progress.

Other than that, nothing much to report. I'll try not to disappear for so long. I didn't mean to worry anyone. Just figured if I had nothing good to share, I'd keep my trap shut. That's not the way to deal with things but it's what I chose this time.

And So It Goes

I went to a job interview last week. I got the call today that I did not get the job. I'm pretty bummed about it, but used to it. The reason I was given for not getting the job was they gave it to a person who has more experience working with mentally ill adults. Crappage!

Mandi's Tim is now in Kentucky. Lots of drama surrounding those kids right now. Mandi and her pregnant hormones are most of it. I feel badly for her Tim having to deal with it via the phone. Poor kid! If I were him, I'd probably stop calling her.

More changes to come at work, or so it sounds. Time will tell.

On the weight loss front, holding steady from last week which is okay. I did go to a lap band seminar. Lots of interesting information. It's something I've been considering for a short time now. Will talk more with my primary care physician. No where near making a decision to do it. Lots of things to consider, not the least of which is a new baby coming soon, a move to a bigger apartment, and life in general.

Another Drop

This morning shows yet another loss on the scale. I'm now down to 386 pounds. I don't know how this is happening. I really don't. My eating hasn't been all that great. The only thing I can pinpoint is that I'm eating more often and drinking more water again. I keep telling myself to just think how great I'd be doing if I stopped eating some of the carbs I eat and stopped eating the 'treats' I feel entitled to. It just doesn't seem to get through my thick head, though! I don't know what my problem is but it's getting on my nerves!

On the work front, the crazy girl who tried to commit suicide while in the psych hospital (and is still on suicide watch I might add) is coming home for a visit today. If it goes well, she'll be discharged back to us. How in the hell can they do that when she is still under watch? I don't get it. It's like setting us up for a MAJOR disaster! She only can have her bed, a comforter, and two sets of clothes, no bras. No shoes with strings. UGH! I can't believe they're going to send her back to us like that.

All else is okay here for now. In the midst of planning Mandi's baby shower. She registered at Walmart so people would at least know what kinds of things she wants. She's getting excited but says she's just ready for the baby to be born so she can see what she looks like and not have to waddle anymore! All in due time, I say. Then the real challenge is going to begin.

Uh huh

The ticker tells the story. I am now down to 389 as of this morning. That means in the last two weeks I've somehow managed to lose 16 pounds. I had gone back up to as high as 405 pounds two weeks ago. I've been watching what I eat and moving when I can instead of sitting on my arse. I know I'm not doing what I could but evidentally, I'm doing enough to keep moving along.

Life is complicated and confusing. Work sucks and it isn't going to get better. I have an idea on that front but not going to share it here right now. I'll fill everyone in sometime soon, I'm sure. Suffice it to say, I am actively looking for a new job so I can "get the hell out of Dodge"!

This past week I managed to be caught in a corner where we had to restrain a girl. She's tiny, but she packs quite the kick and I have two bruises (both on my post surgery leg) to prove it. The next day she totally lost it again and is not in the psych hospital. Hopefully, she'll now get the help she needs.

Mandi continues to grow bigger. I swear I don't know how that girl doesn't just split wide open and she still has almost two months to go. She's getting regular phone calls from her Tim now (on Sundays) on his one day a week that he has off. His rack-mate has a cell phone and lets him call Mandi on it. They have talked for at least an hour each time he's called. Thank goodness for free weekend minutes for his buddy, I guess.

Only another ten days or so where he is and then on to Fort Knox for ten weeks. That will put him past Mandi's due date. Hopefully, he'll still get to come home for a few days when the baby is born. That's what they were told so we'll see.

Other than that, life is good. Tim is okay. I'm okay just tired and a bit wore down. It's going to get better though. Thanks to those of you who are still checking in and leaving me comments. I appreciate that!

Mandi is now a married woman!

Yep, Mandi and her Tim got married yesterday. It was quick but that didn't make it any less real. I pray that she and her Tim end up with the kind of relationship that my Tim and I have after 22 years together.

We left at 10 PM on Friday evening, after I finally got another person to cover my overnight shift at work that night. We drove through one heck of a snowstorm (counted eight cars in the ditch over a 25 mile stretch of highway and three of those were upside down) to get there. Arrived at about 2:15 AM on the wedding day. We didn't have much difficulty getting there but I was glad when we finally did.

As of this evening, he still had not done the public proposal. Mandi had asked for one and he promised her he would do it. Mandi seems okay with it now that the rings are on their fingers, so no big deal to me. I just wanted her to have her special wedding day. She did indeed have that!

The wedding was beautiful; very small with only the parents, Crys & Ceci there with the minister and his wife. The wife played some music before the wedding and played the traditional wedding song as she and Dad came up the aisle. Didn't get a good photo of that so hope that his dad did.

Ceci did her best to steal the show, walking about the stage and calling each of us to look at her. She was so darn proud of herself! Mandi and Tim took it in stride and the minister just talked louder.

Tim and I purchased Mandi's wedding set (engagement ring with wedding band to match) up here on Friday afternoon. I called Mandi and described them to her. She gave his dad a basic description and he got Tim's ring. Imagine all of our shock when we put the set with his ring and found that they were the completed set! What a wonderful and pleasant surprise. Mandi was thrilled with her set and totally happy to have his match her's after all!

We went back to his dad's after the wedding for a family gathering. He had made ribs on the grill and then in the crock pot with bbq sauce. They were YUMMY! There was also potato salad, baked beans, bread and butter, veggies with dip, cheese dip with scoop tortilla chips, and deviled eggs. I didn't eat much but what I had was good. We hung out for a while and then headed back into town. They live way out in the country and I was afraid if I waited too long, we'd be snowed in. As it was, the blowing snow had almost closed the roads we had to travel. We almost got stuck once and I barely could see the road, but we did make it.

Went out for breakfast with my brother and his wife, Tim & Mandi, and Tim and I this morning. Afterwards, we went to visit my step-dad and his wife. I'm not that fond of either of them but they do ask my brother about us all the time so I felt we should go. Mandi and Tim went with and we visited a while. Then it was time for Tim and I to head on home.

Mandi and Tim are staying at a hotel tonight. His dad's wedding gift to them. They come back up here tomorrow and he has to leave out about 6 am on Tuesday. He goes back to Camp Pendleton in CA for three weeks and then on to Fort Knox KY for ten. After that, he thinks he's going back to Camp Pendleton and may be there for up to nine months. We have to wait for his orders to find out for sure. If that's the case, Mandi and Chloe will join him out there. I'm betting Mom will have to drive her out there but that's okay.

So that's the news. It was a very nice weekend but now bittersweet as the kids have to say goodbye again. Mandi is dreading it but I keep telling her at least she won't have time for him to get on her nerves and it is only for a while.

Ticking Away

Time seems to just continue to tick on by. It's been a busy time and things don't seem to be letting up. Went to San Diego and had a wonderful time at our future son-in-law's boot camp graduation. He came home for ten days and goes back on Tuesday. At least as of today, that's the plan. His time home may be extended due to some family issues but it won't really affect us. He's been down with his family the whole time. Mandi took time off work to be with him but she's got to be back at work on Weds and has a doctor visit on Tues.

Work is same old same old. The girls (at work) seem to be more and more mentally ill of late. In and out the psych hospital like I don't know what. I wish they would take the time while they are in the hospital to really come up with a plan to get them stable and functioning before they are dumped right back on us! It's really frustrating for all of us, the girls included.

On the fat front, I'm not doing well. I'm still maintaining and that disappoints me. I've been in tears a lot lately over it. I don't know what happened to the determination and motivation I had. I want it back so badly, yet it eludes me, dangling just out of my grasp. I've not posted to many of the threads here at Spark I was posting on for the simple fact, I really haven't had anything to say. I'm not losing weight and feel like a farce right now. I continue to go through the motions, which is probably why I'm able to maintain, but that's about it. I dunno if it's because I have so much more to lose or what. Most people who lose 100 plus pounds are at their goal weight, yet I have at least twice that to go.

And still time continues to march on by ... And I have more photos from the graduation trip I may get posted next week if anyone is interested. (Maybe a wedding photo or two as well.)

Here I Am

I am in San Diego right now. Went to the family visitation day at the Marine Corp Recruit Depot. It was a beautiful and sunny day. Tim and I both got a bit of a sunburn on our faces. It was so nice to be outside in the sun, but dang there was a LOT of walking! I'm pretty proud of how well I did with it, though. I bet I walked at least 2-3 miles today. I did it without even thinking about it. My legs are very sore and my feet feel stiff, but all in all not too bad.

He graduates tomorrow. We have to be up at 5 AM and out by 5:30 so we can eat a decent breakfast before. After, he gets to leave the base and we fly back to Chicago on Saturday late afternoon. Not sure what we'll be doing for the next day or so. I'll check in again if I can. Here is a photo of him, admittedly not the best, but the best I got today. Hopefully, we'll get a better photo tomorrow.

Thank You to Willowmoon

A huge thanks to my friend Willowmoon who designed the template I'm using right now. I am so very thankful and appreciative of her hard work and getting this all set up for me. I may make a few changes in the near future, but we'll see. I might add back my weight loss chart, the weather pixie, etc. Then again, I kind of like the clean look of this page now and may just leave it alone.

I'll be back to post again very soon. I just haven't had much to say lately.

Finished

This is the finished blanket that I spent the last two years making for my granddaughter Cecilia. She'll be two years old on February 13th. I guess better late than never, right? I found I'm not the seamstress I thought I was when I put the binding on the blanket. That was probably the most difficult part of the entire process. It isn't perfect, but grandma made it with LOTS of love and spent hours and hours doing it. Hope she likes it!

I've now moved on to the one I'm making for the new baby due April 27th. It's not quite as complicated as this one was, but it is my second blanket. I hope my skills binding improve as I finish each one. Even if it doesn't, at least the girls will have something made by grandma to cherish.