Happy New Year

I've been searching for the right template to get me started on my new and improved blog page. Nothing has grabbed me and I'm not quite as adventurous as Willow Moon to just "tweak a few things". I have very little confidence in my abilities to do it myself. I'm working on overcoming that, though.

Work has been rough this past week. Doesn't help any that instead of a day off after my overnight shift, this week I have three overnight shifts back to back. Tonight is the last of them. Whew! I seem to do okay until the last couple hours then it just kicks me in the ass.

And can I just say I'll be glad when tomorrow gets here and the holidays are officially behind us? Those girls have been off the wall crazy. The home has been tore up more in the last two weeks than in the last two months! Last night I go in to work and though everyone should have been in bed already, there were six of the nine girls up, acting like total fools! One had trashed the home earlier in the evening. The others were basically feeding into her behavior and just being ignorant. I hate that crap! It was just after midnight when we finally got everyone into their rooms. Two of the girls were up until after 3 in the morning talking on pre-pay cell phones (ones that have the "bee-beep" feature). ARGH! I'm so ready for them to go back to school and if we could unload a couple to other placements that would suit me just fine!

Enjoying the heck out of my MP3 player. It was so darned easy to load with music that it's full. It held the equivalent of about ten CDs. I know that I'll be changing out some of the songs, and may even delete parts of each CD I loaded to make room for other stuff, but for now I'm really digging it just the way it is! This one is so easy to load music onto.

Wishing each of you a happy new year. I'm going to try to get the new blog page up and running tomorrow (my day off thankfully) but no promises. Part of the day will be spent sleeping. I work day shift Tues and off Weds then days again on Thursday. I work overnight on Friday and then get Saturday and Sunday off. Don't know I'm sharing my work schedule but oh well, deal with it!

Happy New Year to all ...

Yahoo!

I'm pleased to report that I have lost two pounds since I resumed my journey. I don't know what got into me but I'm back to the mindset I was when I first started my journey almost two years ago now. I am committed. I am determined. I am confident. I know that it's going to take longer than I initially wanted, but every day I am moving toward a healthier weight and my goal.

That said, I did indeed buy a new MP3 player for myself last night. I got a Creative Zen Nano. It holds 512 MB which according to the package is about 290 songs. I figured I'd start with a simple one and see if I like it before I go for the gusto and invest big bucks in one. This one was just under $50. It was very simple to rip songs to and seems easy to use. The earphones seem a bit large to me, so I may get new ones to replace them, but other than that, I really like it so far.

I'm really feeling good about things. I started a new blog page but will not be linking it until the first of the year. I want to work on it a bit and spruce it up. I really need to search for a new theme, one that says something about me, and then add other things to it like a new weight loss table, etc. Any of you who read, please give me tips of places you get templates from as I can't even remember where I got my current one.

On I go ... trudging toward a new year, a new goal, and an improved me!

Happy Birthday to Me

So today is my birthday. It is also day two of my resumption of my journey. I'm back at it and proud to say I had a FANTASTIC day! I went over my calories by a bit (about 200) but my percentages of protein/carbs/fat were right on the money. I'm pretty proud of my progress yesterday.

Going out for dinner soon. I'll be having a turkey burger sans top bun and a tossed salad with fat free dressing. It really sounds good to me and I'm looking forward to it.

After, I'm going to go buy myself a cheap MP3 player. I've wanted one for a very long time. Had a friend who was going to send me one but I'm guessing he got very busy and just forgot about it. I'm getting a cheaper one for now to decide if I really want and will use one. I'm thinking it will come in handy at work at night so I can listen to music while I work on my baby granddaughter's blankies I'm making for them. They are counted cross-stitch. I finished Ceci's last night and now need to start on the new baby's. Maybe I'll buy it later today as well. If not today, tomorrow for sure as I need something to work on at work Friday night!

Soon I'll be starting a new blog page. I'll link it to this one in a final post so those of you who've been following my journey will be able to find me. I figure I'm renewing my committment and want to just "start over" though I'm actually resuming the journey.

Take care and have a wonderful evening!

Starting Over

Today I have placed myself back on Stage One at Sparkpeople. I entered my actual current weight, which is 395 pounds. I reset my goals and due to the health rule Spark has of only being able to lose two pounds per week, my new goal date is December 31, 2008. I'm going to do my best to get to my goal weight of 195 before then, but then again, I pretty much coasted through 2006 and that could happen again. But it isn't going to happen in 2007! I am resolved on this.

I tracked my breakfast already. I didn't do too badly but then again, I guess I could have survived on one packet of Weight Control oatmeal instead of two. I get 2020-2370 calories per day though, and I always wake up hungry no matter what, so I indulged. Excuse or reality, I dunno. *shrugging*

I have my 32 ounce bottle of water by my side and will drink it throughout the day. The one glitch I'm going to have, until I settle into an eating schedule on those days, is going to be when I work the overnight shifts at work. That's going to happen at least twice a week and some weeks maybe more. I do have to eat some type of protein mid-shift or I get too tired. That much I've already figured out. I've also found that I have to avoid anything that will spike my blood sugar and then cause it to crash, which also makes me tired. I'm guessing my best bet is going to be a nice salad with a bit of cheese and meat on it for the protein. The other option would be to eat my breakfast meal in the wee hours but we'll see how it goes.

I am resolved to get back to the art of taking care of me again. Mandi is a big girl (and getting bigger ... hee hee) and Tim can take care of himself to a point. His depression has been pretty bad lately but he won't see anyone about it. He is very stubborn. I could make myself gain all my weight back but I'm not going to. If he won't take care of himself, that's on him. I'll do what I can to support and encourage him but his health is up to him. That's taken me a long time to figure out but it's how it is!

I was going to wait until January to get back at it but that's just plain silly. It isn't who I am and I'm not going to do it. Today IS the first day of the rest of my life and I'm grabbing it and running with it. Got my Spark goals set and I'm moving forward. No more waiting until another day. Today is THE day!

I'm Liking This

I have to say I'm really liking my new shift already. This week has been really nice. Got most of my holiday shopping done. Got the gifts wrapped and under the tree. And I worked every other day all week. That's been really GREAT!

Tonight will be my first official overnight shift. I'm going to take my granddaughter's baby blanket to work on as well as my laptop. I'm hoping that someone nearby will have a network that I can hop onto. If not, I'll at least have my games to play.

The holidays are rapidly approaching. My oldest daughter turned 21 last Friday. My "baby" turns 19 tomorrow (Saturday). Christmas is around the corner and then my own birthday. *sigh* The new year will be here before we know it. That will mean resolutions for some. For others it will mean making a renewed committment and doing the best to follow through on it. That will be me.

I wish you happy holidays if you don't check in on the holiday. May you have love, joy, peace, and kindness in your life today and everyday.

What a relief!

I am officially no longer a supervisor at work. I had asked to be "stepped down" to a regular youth care worker positiion with no supervisory responsibilities. The schedule is one I feel I can live with. I will work ten hour shifts, four days a week. Two of those days will be overnight shifts and two will generally be evening shifts. I'm actually looking forward to this! It is a relief to no longer be responsibe for anyone but myself.

On the "diet front" I'm still maintaining my loss. As my life changes one more time, I know I will get it together. The new year is rapidly approaching and with it I intend to have a new attitude. I am going to do my utmost best to lose at least 100 pounds once again in 2007. I did it in 2005 and I can and will do it again!

What a fun night!

Warning ... contains a rant about work. It was NOT a fun night at all!

Work was total HELL last night. You know it's going to be a bad night when the other supervisor calls you three times before you go into work!

One of our girls (AB) somehow bought an X-box video game on Saturday that is totally inappropriate for our home. It's got shooting, swearing, sex, UGH! When confronted about it, she became ugly and ended up assaulting the three morning staff. Police were called and she was arrested. I don't know if staff is going to press charges or not but my personal opinion is they should. We cannot let these girls think they can put their hands on us and have no consequences.

So I get to work and they haven't even had lunch yet. The cook brings our lunch over and some girls eat. AB is firmly planted in front of the TV playing said video game. We are waiting for the psych assessor to arrive and tell us if she's going to the psych hospital or not. She finally arrives at 5:15 PM and assesses AB. Ends up she is going to the psych hospital but the worker doesn't tell her. She leaves our home to go to another and says she'll be back later to tell her.

Meanwhile, AB is flipping out wanting to know how we can have her assessed when there is no therapist there on Sunday. She goes on ranting about how she can't go to the hospital because she has a job now. (Should have thought about that sooner, I guess.) No one tells her she's going to the psych hospital because none of us want to deal with it and I know she's going to run if she finds out.

Sure enough, up pulls the ambulance and she starts in wanting to know who it's there for and why they always come to our home. I don't answer her. She goes out the back door. Only myself and one other staff in the home with six other girls so no way either of us can track her. I let the ambulance guys know she ducked out the back door right now thinking they might see if they can grab her. No dice. They call in to dispatch who tells them to leave but we can call them back if she comes home. *sigh*

They drive off and AB comes pounding on the door to get in. We let her in and she goes to her room. Meanwhile, the other staff has been working and has obtained permission to call the police should she return for assistance getting AB into the ambulance.

As AB heads out the front door with a backpack over her shoulder, a police car pulls up. AB starts to swear and turns around heading for the back door. I alert the police woman and she heads off to track her. She caught her before she got too far. We had eight police units respond! I tell you, when this crap happens it's like you're in a movie or something.

They walk her back to the home. She's ranting about how staff punched her in the face earlier in the day. Didn't happen, or if it did, I don't know about it. She never mentioned it to me. Fishy story at best! The ambulance returns and with some reluctance and assistance from the police, AB climbs on the gurney and is hauled off to the psych hospital. *sigh*

Thus starts the endless hours and hours of paperwork. I hate that crap but everything has to be documented. I should have left at 10 PM but it was almost 11 before I got out of there.

Now ask me, did I get the budget done that is due to be turned in today. The answer would be a resounding NOPE! Didn't even have time to look at it. Grabbed everything from the PM office (she's on vacation) and made my way home. Find out this morning that the staff from yesterday forgot to leave me the receipts from taking two girls clothing shopping. Right now I have over $100 unaccounted for and the budget is due today! ARGH! *big sigh* I did manage to make things balance using old receipts, but it wasn't easy. The PM will need those receipts for next week so it's going to be okay but I hate when crap like this happens when I'm "in charge". This is making that split shift, non-supervisor position look more and more promising! *bigger sigh*

Sorry for the long rant. That's how my evening went, though. Doesn't this sound like everyone's dream job? *laughing* Ah but life is good!

Ho Hum

I've been very lax in posting but know that some have looked for me here and found me missing. Sorry about that! Nothing much has changed as far as the weight goes. I'm still bouncing up and down about five pounds. I believe the weight has shifted, though, as some have told me I look thinner. I know my face really looks thinner to me lately.

The baby has started to move more. Mandi was very uncomfortable during dinner tonight. I suggested she push the baby out of the way until she was more comfortable. She wouldn't do it, so I pushed that little gal around until her momma could breathe again. I warned her that many have said it can get quite painful to have a baby moving around from time to time. She's doing okay, though.

Tim is also doing okay, I suppose. He isn't really taking very good care of himself and I'm weary of once again having to be the caretaker for everyone, leaving myself last. I've pretty much given up hope with him. Either he wants to be able to see and live to meet this new granddaughter, or he doesn't. Nothing I can say or do is going to change things and I'm really just tired of that particular battle. I ask if he took his meds or his shot. He answers honestly and if not, I sigh and encourage him. Many times he ignores me about this. I can't do it for him. I won't do it for him. He's got to want to live. Men are so damned stubborn, or at least he is!

My leg has healed nicely. I'll probably post a photo soon of the incision now. Thursday will be status post eight weeks since surgery. I think parts of it still look pretty ugly but nothing looks as bad as the tumor itself. I'll try to post that photo before the end of the week.

The Ultrasound

Took Mandi today for her first ultrasound. The tech had a hard time getting pictures, but when she did, they came out beautifully. She has a great profile of the baby's face and another of her entire body. The baby appears to be a girl, the tech is 95% certain. Said she saw no evidence of male private parts. Mandi was thrilled as she wants a girl. The name will be Chloe Jane which I think is beautiful. In one of the photos you can see the baby's leg bones. She is in the fetal position (imagine that!) and her right arm was flailing away. You can make out the left shoulder and her tiny little left fist. The left ear was clearly visible as well. She has a little button nose and is quite active, though Mandi says she doesn't feel her moving yet. She is now 18 weeks and five days along in her pregnancy. The baby weighs 9 ounces and is 14.5 centimeters long.

On another note, with the help of a Sparkpeople coach I believe I've discovered the reason I'm having difficulty getting going again. After giving him some information, he suggested that perhaps I'm in the anger stage of grieving. A lot has happened in the last seven months. I am extremely angry about a lot of it. I'm angry that I had to return to work in order for us to survive. I'm angry that I couldn't find a job in the area I considered home. I'm angry that I have to take care of a disabled husband. (This isn't to take anything away from Tim, who I love dearly, but the demands of taking care of him can be overwhelming sometimes; the responsibility of making appointments, worrying he's taking his meds, insulin, etc, all just get to me from time to time.) I'm angry that we had to sell our trailer. I'm angry Mandi is pregnant (but also happy for her) and had to move back in with us. I thought that phase of my life was over and now it is thrust upon me again. So you see, I am just so damn angry that the anger is consuming all of my energy. Coach Dean suggested I'm in the angry stage of grieving due to all of the things I'm angry about. I think he has a good point.

Now the work begins to work through the rest of the stages of grief and then to move on. Until then, I'm going to be happy that I'm maintaining. I'm going to forgive myself and be proud of my accomplishments. I'm going to slowly return the focus to myself. The end result will be that one day I'll start out eating right and it will continue through the day!