And so it goes

Got a call this afternoon from the principal at the school I interviewed yesterday. I interviewed with the principal, the classroom teacher, and the school social worker. She called to tell me they gave the job to someone else. No big surprise there and I'm okay with it. If I was them, I would have picked someone younger, thinner, and with more recent experience too.

Monday morning I'll be going to register as a substitute teacher. I don't know how soon I'll actually be able to start working and my timing certainly sucks. There are only about eight weeks of school left, except in the schools that have opted to do year round. I may be able to work in the summer, but don't really know. I should know more on Monday after I go back and do what needs to be done.

As far as weight loss goes, the dreaded metal monster reared it's ugly head and thus pretty much halted any downward progress. It's times like this I wish I were not a woman. Stupid hormones and water retention certainly do not make things easy. But it's okay. I've also done pretty horrid with my walking this past week.

Tomorrow is a new day and the beginning of a new month. I have a number in my head for pounds I'd like to drop in April. Time will tell if it comes to pass. I'm not going to put said number here. For now, the mini-goal will serve as my 'number' goal. I am going to do either my Walk Away the Pounds DVD or my fitness ball DVD (the first set of exercises) every day. That should get things going again and keep them going.

People Envy Your Compassion

You have a kind heart and an unusual empathy for all living creatures. You tend to absorb others' happiness and pain. People envy your compassion, and more importantly, the connections it helps you build. And compassionate as you are, you feel for them.

What Do People Envy About You?

Slight Change in Plans

So I was on my way to pay for the substitute teacher certificate today when my cell phone rang. It was an elementary school I had applied to last week for a teacher aide position. They want me to interview tomorrow afternoon. Knowing it would mean employment now and would be steady at least until the end of the year, I agreed.

After talking with Tim, I've decided if they offer me the job, I'll take it. It would mean money coming in and I can still continue with my plans to get my certificate back. I will still take the two classes this fall. But this opportunity will give me the chance to get my foot in the door, my face and name out there in the district so if a teaching position opens up, I'll maybe have a better chance of getting it. Either way I'll still be working toward the same goal with the same date of full certification by early 2007. I'm hoping this position won't be just until the school year ends but will be a return in the fall position. That way I'll know I'm working everyday instead of waiting for a call to sub each morning.

Sorry the last couple days have been more about life and less about weight loss. I have a lot spinning around inside my head right now and putting it down here helps me to get it all sorted out. I do appreciate the feedback and support that you all give to me every single day.

Barry's right. In my comments from yesterday he was wondering how I could question what I set my mind to. I need to believe in myself and my ability to teach as much as I believe I'm going to lose another 204 pounds!

Quick Somebody Pinch Me!

So I went today and checked into what I have to do to get my teaching certificate back. Turns out it really is quite simple. I am going to go tomorrow and pay $50 for a substitute teacher certificate. That certificate will be good for up to four years. Then in the fall, I'm going to take two classes at the local community college in the field of education. I need just five semester hours to update my teaching certificate. That's it! Five little hours of college credit. I already have the classes picked out and will check with the office tomorrow to see if they will be acceptable. I'm sure they will. Once I've completed the classes, I pay an additional $99 to register my certificate and I'm qualified to teach anywhere in the state of Illinois. I can't believe it's this simple and I could have done this a very long time ago.

I plan to start substitute teaching as soon as they can put me on the list. Thankfully, I have a dear friend named Mary (who I don't think reads here) that sent me some dresses she is too small for that actually fit me right now. Woo hoo! I'm all set and ready to go on this. I'll substitute until summer and then again starting in the fall. I was told at the office today that I will likely be able to work every day if I want but will not be required to. My classes will be on Tuesday evening from 4:30-9:00, taught by the same instructor in rooms right next to each other. I figure maybe I'll not teach on Tuesdays, unless it's close to the college campus so I don't have to worry about getting there on time.

I'm really very excited about this. Tim and I have talked. I still have many concerns about going to work and leaving him home but I'll check into having someone check in on him mid-day to be sure he's eaten lunch and taken a shot. I believe he'll be okay but want a safety net in place. I may even talk to his doctor about it in case we need documentation for insurance payments.

I'm also scared about this. What makes me think after twenty years I can teach again? What makes me think I'll remember all I learned all those years ago? What makes me think a school will even want to hire me? I'm not going to obsess over it, but I do have those thoughts swirling in my head with the excitement.

Compare the differences

Beginning and March 2006
Originally uploaded by norakeno.

Photo on the left was taken Jan 2005 at start weight 530 lbs. Photo on the right was taken Mar 2006. Finally less than 400 lbs!

Definitely changes are happening.

The camera tells the story
Originally uploaded by norakeno.

Today is THE day

I am so HAPPY this morning. I am now under the 400 pound mark forever! With the support of all my wonderful friends here and elsewhere, I am pleased to report I am now sitting at 399.5! Okay, so just my toes are across the line, but by golly, by Sunday I will be well on my way to my next mini-goal (of which I have two).

The first will be to lose 150 pounds putting me at 380 pounds. The second one will be to lose 30% of my total body weight which will happen when I hit 371 pounds. As you can tell I am motivated, dedicated, and inspired to keep on going!

Thanks for being here with me. It means the world to have you all along for the "journey back to me". I'll be posting a photo later for posterity sake. And then I'll do a comparison shot with a set of three photos if I can get them all to fit.

So close, but not today!

I am oh so close to leaving the Quad Cities for the Tri Cities. So close but it just didn't happen this week. I lack one doggone pound of making it! Sheesh! The good news is I did lose 3.5 pounds this week so that makes me happy. I'm almost certain that this coming week will be THE week! I'll be walking every day with my girl Leslie Sansone and sticking to my program. No pizza for me this week, HA!

Since I'm so close here are a few fun things about losing 130 pounds of fat. It means 455,000 calories burned. That is the equivalent of 14.74 gallons of gasoline. If you could dump this many calories into the tank of a Honda Civic, you would be able to drive it about 499 miles before running out of gas!

Cutting 455,000 calories is the same as saying "no" to 3,138 baked potatoes, 328 pounds of ground beef, 1,409 Snickers bars, 3,273 cans of Coke, 883 Quarter Pounders with Cheese, 1,936 slices of pepperoni pizza from Pizza Hut.

To burn 455,000 calories a 190 pound person would have to walk for 1,734 hours at 3 mph straight (73 days), walk 5,230 miles, or jump rope for 554 hours (23 days straight).

To safely lose this much weight would take 43- 130 weeks. It has taken me 60 weeks with an average weight loss of 2.16 pounds per week. Woo hoo!

The above info all came from this website ...
How Many Pounds

Onward and downward I will continue to march.

Yesterday's Post

Good morning! Yesterday's post was not intended for anyone specifically and it was not my intent to make anyone feel badlyor guilty. My real point, which apparently didn't come across is my dismay that so many seem to be struggling so much right now to the point they can't even talk about it. As I said, this is not just happening to my blog friends. I run an email Yahoo group and it has been pretty dead. I run a forum and thought it picked up early in the week, it's been pretty dead. I belong to another forum and no one is posting there, either. I belong to a totally different 'dieting' website and it's the only one that has been very active, but even there, when people are struggling, they stop posting.

Don't we need support the most when we're struggling with something. I love the pats and the back and praises. I love that many of you are here for me in the bad times as well as the good. And I love being there for each of you, be it good times or bad. Again, I say that it's when we're struggling and don't know what to do, that we should be posting. Get some feedback from others.

Someone said to me a while back somewhere when I gained that six pounds that they were glad to know I'm human. Well, of course I am. I'm really no different than the rest of you with one exception. I started out with 325 pounds to lose. That's a lot of weight. Shoot, for some of you that's your start weight. Imagine having to lose your entire self! It's a daunting task, but one I set for myself and one I intend to finish successfully.

I'm rambling but want each of you to know, I care. When you disappear for a few days, I start to wonder. When you disappear for a week, I am dismayed because most disappear when they're struggling. When you disappear for more than a week, I wonder if you've given up on yourself and have just quit. I want everyone to succeed. I want everyone to reach their goals and be happy. Maybe I'm just living in a rose-coloured bubble but that's how I feel.

Hugs to each of you. I'm not cutting anyone from my favorites list right now (and a few of you could post only once a month and I'd not cut you because you have a special place in my heart). You have become a friend that crosses over from being another blogger to being something that means so much more.

Now, I've walked with Leslie this morning (20 minutes of aerobic steps ... WOW!) and am headed for the shower. This may or may not be my post for today. Guess if you really want to know, you'll have to check back later in the evening. Enjoy your day and believe in yourself. If you're struggling, get back on track now, before you do so much damage you can't find your way back. Know that I'm thinking about you and I know you can do this if you'll only believe in YOU as much as I do!

Cyber hugs for all!

What's going on?

I took time this morning to visit all the blogs in my favorites on my computer. I was really disappointed at all the ones that haven't been updated for over a week. One has only one post for the entire month of March and the month is almost over! I find it disappointing because for some, the blog is the only contact with that person. I don't want to ask how things are going in an old comment. So I'm wondering what's going on?

Even the forums I visit and post at seem eerily quiet lately. I'm wondering if everyone is just getting busy as we gear up for spring or have they lost their motivation or inspiration and have given up? It certainly isn't just a problem with those doing NS. I find it at another site I visit and in some AOL journals I read where people are using just about every program out there.

At any rate, this is my rant. I know everyone gets busy. I'm going to be honest and say this. I read a blog and if I am inspired, I save it to my favorites. If I continue to check blogs and find they haven't been updated for weeks at a time, I eventually delete those blogs from my favorites and search for others to read. I'm close to deleting a few more from list. It grows ever shorter and this makes me sad.

Ah well ... I've not posted every day this week, myself. I feel like I haven't anything at all worthwhile to share. I checked out some of the personality things I use and nothing appealed to me for today. Maybe we're all just bored with it all. Heck, I'm even thinking about cruising the NS bulletin board!

Hoping to be under 400 this week. I'm getting really, really close!

Just another day

Nothing of note happened today. My back pain seems to be gone but I'll finish the antibiotic in case this was a UTI. I haven't decided if I'm going to continue the muscle relaxer or not. It causes me to have a dry mouth and knocks me out!

Had Cecilia for the day. Gosh, I wish I had even half the energy that little toddler has. She was busy the entire time she was here. Trekking from the living room into the kitchen. Opening all the cabinet doors. Opening drawers and emptying them of their contents. As quick as we could pick it all up, she'd be back doing it all over again. She is a smart little girl! She generally gets picked up about 4-4:30. Today at 4 she got her diaper bag and hooked it on her arm. She went to the front door and slapped her hand on it. She then started waving bye-bye to Grandpa and I. It was so very cute. And oh my, when her daddy walked through the door to get her, the screech of joy was deafening! She also made friends with Fancy Pants today. Generally, Fancy stays out of the baby's way. Today she let Ceci pet her for quite a while. It was too cute. Of course I got none of it on camera. I know from past experience had I tried, she'd have been done before I could get the camera to record the event.

Anyway ... sorry. Didn't mean to bore you with my granny story! A few more days til weigh in. We'll see what that brings.

On I go

This morning my back wasn't bothering me much so I decided I would get back to walking with my Leslie one mile walk DVD. I was surprised to complete the entire thing and log 18 minutes of aerobic steps! It felt good to be back walking again.

The back pain is slowly seeming to lessen. I hope to back to normal in another day or so. I have never been one to complain about illness and such but this one really got to me. Tim knew it hurt when I agreed to go to the doctor. I NEVER go to the doctor when I'm sick. Go figure!

Food plan this week hasn't been too bad. I did have a piece of Tim's birthday cake yesterday. It was one I baked so I knew I could have it. Calorie count was only 110 calories. I made him a pineapple angel cake using an angel food cake mix and one can of crushed pineapple. It was very yummy but next time I think I'll use tidbits or chunks. I like to bite into the pineapple and taste it more. I've also been told this works with other fruits like peaches and sugar free pie fillings. Woo hoo, some sweet treats for birthdays, finally!

Got a form email from that last job I applied for saying they hired someone else. Yeah, whatever! Thanks for wasting my time and getting my hopes up. I haven't been able to talk with my sister yet to find out if she knows why. Does it really matter?

I just spent the last hour filling out an online application for some positions in a local school district. Going to check with county superintendent of school on Friday and see what I'm going to have to do to get my teaching certificate upgraded (my category doesn't even exist anymore) and registered. At least then I could either do substitute work or get back into teaching. I'd do this tomorrow, but I'll have Ceci (granddaughter). Told her mom I can't pick her up, though, because of my back. So it will just be a day at home.

Have a good end of the week.

Medical Update

Called my doctor this morning. Wouldn't you know it, he's on vacation! His physician assistant was in though so I went to see her. She was very thorough. Urinalysis done and a little higher white blood count than normal. Gave me a script for an antibiotic. Then she had me do some bending and stretching and said the pain sounds more like muscle strain. She also gave me a script for a muscle relaxer. She figured it was best to treat both symptoms just in case and I agree. I go back for a follow-up in two weeks.

Didn't get to walk this morning. I was up so darn early because of the back pain and it hurts like the dickens. I've also noticed the last couple days I'm not standing up as straight as I normally do so I'm trying to make myself stand up straight. I'm planning to walk tomorrow, back pain or no back pain. I sure hope the muscle relaxer kicks in, though.

We're awaiting a big snowstorm (for us) later tonight and into tomorrow. We're supposed to end up with 5-8 inches depending who you listen to. I figure I'll find out when I wake up and see the snow. I'll have to make sure Mandi's boyfriend clears the drive and steps for me. No way am I shoveling with back pain already in the works.

Called the HR dept at the local hospital and was put through to voice mail. I'm certain the lady was there, she just didn't want to take my call. She certainly did not return my call which I think is quite rude! I'm guessing yet again that I didn't get the job. Oh well, I'm trying to focus and just keep going. One day something is going to happen and someone will feel like hiring my large carcass. I was extremely despondent about it all earlier; told Tim to dig a hole, push me in, and start to cove me up because I'm really tired of it all. Feeling a little better now, but not much.

I guess that's it for me. On I trudge because there's nothing else to do!

And so it goes

I really wanted to be under the four hundred pound mark today but it just didn't happen. Yesterday morning I was down at least one pound but today it was back again. What I didn't consider was the fact that I pushed my muscles yesterday and I'm likely to have some water retention going on today because they are repairing themselves. That does make sense. It also means that next week I should show a loss for sure and I'm going to do my best to make it another of those six pound weeks to be firmly out of the four hundreds for good.

I didn't walk with Leslie every day. The weeks that I lost six pounds, I did so this week I'll be back at it every day. If that's what it takes to make a difference, then I can certainly commit to it. I also want to start doing more on my fitness ball. I have it so I need to be using it!

My knees are a little tender today but other than that, I seem to have no ill effects from all the walking I did yesterday. I still have that euphoric sense of accomplishment, though and I doubt it's going to subside any time soon. That's a good thing because it will keep me motivated this week.

I do still have the low back pain and I had that before the walk so it wasn't caused by all the walking. I've been drinking at least 15-18 glasses of water per day so it isn't because I'm not drinking enough water. I suspect it's nothing, but if I still have the pain in the morning, I'll call my doctor and see what he has to say. I've had this pain before, so the suggestion it could be a kidney stone is plausible. It's not as bad I would expect for that, though and is worse when I sit in certain positions. ... For those of you who are smart arses, yes, I know not to sit in those positions! :D ...

I'll be doing a lot more cooking this week. Tim's birthday is Tuesday and I'll be baking him a Pineapple Angel Cake, I read about somewhere. You make an angel food cake using the box mix and a can of pineapple including the juice. That's it. Then you bake it in a regular pan. I'll be whipping up some cream cheese frosting to top it for a little protein. Mmmm ... I can almost taste it! If it turns out, I may just post a picture of it here on my blog. Guess you'll have to check back Tuesday or Wednesday to see if it turned out.

Enjoy the remainder of Sunday and have a good week! I'm moving on and will be under four hundred pounds next week.

Huge NSV for me today!

Oh man! I am in pain here. First off, I have this pain in my left lower back. At first I thought it was a pulled muscle from lifting Ceci yesterday. She weighs about 25 lbs now and that's a lot for me to be lifting, I guess. But nothing helps the pain. I tried backache meds, tylenol, heat, ice ... nothing even touches it so now I'm wondering if I might have a kidney infection. Never had one, so don't know how that would feel but there's always the first time. If I'm still hurting like this on Monday, I'll call the doctor and have him check things out.

Next, Tim and I did major grocery shopping today. First stop was Aldi (kind of a discount food store). They do not have anything but regular carts so it was up to me to walk through that store. Keep in mind my back was already bothering me. As we got in the checkout line, I really had to pee. Finally, I left Tim and found the potty, but hardly went. (Another indication of a kidney infection, perhaps?)

We left there and headed to Wal-mart and though I'd resolved last week to not use the electric carts there anymore, I was ready to sit down and shop. Much to my chagrin, a lady about my size beat me to the last motorized cart. What to do? I could ask Tim to walk to the other end of the store (or do it myself) to see if there were any there or I could just walk in Wal-mart. I sat down on a bench to contemplate the situation.

I asked Tim if he thought I'd be able to make it through the store. Naturally, he said yes. So off we went. By the time we got to the back of the store (I always start at the back and work my way to the front) my knees were killing me and starting to lock up. I muttered to myself about how it wasn't bad enough I have back pain but now my knees are hurting and locking. I told myself I had not choice but to walk. And walk I did.

A little more than half way through, I found a bench to sit down for about five minutes. When I went to get up I didn't think I'd be able to stand, but stand I did and off I went. Total time spent walking pushing the grocery cart was 90 minutes. No wonder I am hurting! I also logged almost 4000 steps during that little adventure. Woo hoo for me!

I told Tim this. "Now that I know I can do it, I really have no excuse not to do it next time. No more electric carts for me." And you know what, I mean it. Yes, I'm in a lot of pain right now. My knees are aching, my feet burn but are feeling some better, my hips ache, and my back hurts all the way across, but dang I'm so proud of me! What a great day I had today.

A celebration and a bit about me

My mom passed away twelve years ago today. She had been suffering for about four months and was ready to go. Today, instead of being sad, I'm going to celebrate her life and honor her. She raised four pretty wonderful kids pretty much on her own. She was a wonderful mother and my best friend. Her passing has been the most difficult thing in my life to deal with as it left a huge gaping hole that still has not been filled. She was always there for me, lifting me up when I was down; laughing with me, crying with me, encouraging, and supporting me even when she disagreed with me. She helpd to mold me into the person I am today and for that I am eternally grateful. So today, instead of mourning that she's no longer here with me, I am going to honor her by remembering the wonderful times we shared. I'm going to remember her smile and the love she had for me. I'm going to remember how much sacrificed that I might live a better life. I'm going to cherish every moment spent with her. God bless you, Mom. You're missed but NOT forgotten!

Now ... in a group I belong to, we've been talking about our physical appearances and body distortion. In an effort to see the positive, someone asked us to post one physical characteristic we like about ourselves and why. She also asked us to post five non-physical characteristics we like about ourselves and why. The following was my reply to that request.

My favorite physical characteristic about myself is my fingernails. I know you're laughing, but it's true. I have nice natural nails that, when painted with clear nail polish, look like I've had a French manicure. I've gotten comments on them and people think they're fake, but they're mine. I keep them neatly trimmed and shaped (especially important for all the time I'm tapping on my keyboard).

Five non-physical characteristics that I like about myself and why ...

1. I am who I am. I never pretend to be someone I'm not. When people meet me, they are meeting the genuine me. I figure people will either like me or not and that's okay with me.

2. I care about others and treat them as I would want to be treated. I'm quite proud of this. So many go out of their way to hurt other people and it's not necessary. We all know we're far more critical of ourselves than anyone else ever can be. Treat others the way you'd want to be treated or the way you'd want your family to be treated and the world will be a better place.

3. I am a loyal friend who can be trusted. I treasure my friendships with others.

4. I am a good listener who uses active listening skills so I know I'm getting the whole story. I can give opinions and advice and not have my feelings hurt if others don't listen to what I have to say. Sometimes I'm right and sometimes I'm wrong. Either way, I do the best I can do in any given situation to help others.

5. I know who I am and where I'm going. I know that I am going to reach my goal one day. I realize it's not ever going to be as quickly as I want, but I can live with that because every day I'm working on it. I'm not going to give up. I'm determined to succeed with this weight loss and be in total control of my life. I'm proud of my accomplishments and have no problem sharing them with others. If I don't tell my story, someone else may not know that they can be successful, too. Every day I'm happy to wake up, breathing and healthy enough to live another day. I'm thankful for the little bit I have and know that it's enough. I may not have everything I want, but I do have everything I need. I have my faith and it never wavers though I may slip toward doubt a little bit from time to time as everyone does. I come back with renewed faith every time, though.

Happy St Patrick's Day

I really did do a post last night but got an error and I guess it never actually posted since it's not here today. I don't even remember what I said, so it was probably me rambling on. I don't have much to say today either. This has been a tough week for me. I've been kind of coasting and don't know why. I'm so close to that mini-goal that I can reach out and almost touch it. Am I afraid of making it?

Had the grandbaby all day today. That little girl didn't stop moving all day. I wish I had the energy she has. I mean it. She showed up at 6:30 AM and went home at 5:00 PM and with the exception of the 75 minutes she was napping, she didn't stop moving. She just kept going around and around in circles! I enjoyed having her, but was kind of glad when her other grandpa came to take her home.

And now, because I'm 50% Irish ...

Your Luck Quotient: 57%

You have an average luck quotient. There's been times when you've been extremely lucky... but also times when you've been very unlucky. You probably know that you can make your own luck in life, if you're open to it. So listen to your intuition as much as you can. It's right more often than you might expect.

How Lucky Are You?

A Quote

I came across this quote a couple days ago and feel that it really sums things up. I want to share it with all of you who read here.

"You are never going to be where you want to be until you start wanting to be where you are right now. So, you can choose to be permanently impatient, or you can let yourself enjoy the moment a little more."

I so want to be a thinner and healthier person and for a very long time I didn't want to be me. Heck, some days I still would rather be someone else, but I realize that appearances can be deceiving and I could end up worse off than I am right now. Realizing this means I am okay with where I am right now. I'm making steady progress though sometimes it doesn't feel like it. I am moving toward my goal of being thinner and healthier all the time. And you know what? I am enjoying life more now that I am okay with who and where I am. Life is good!

Finally someone says something

For the first time since I started this journey, today someone noticed I'm losing weight and said something! I took Tim to a doctor appointment. His nurse asked me if I'd been losing more weight. (Last visit she and I discussed losing weight and how difficult it can be.) I confirmed that I've lost about 25 pounds since Tim's last visit in December and she stated she can really tell it. That was a great moment for me! She's the first one who really doesn't know me personally, but sees me occasionally, that has commented on my weight loss. I felt like I'm finally making progress.

One down

I have one interview down in this round. I think it went well but who knows? All I can do is wait. I did go to the cell phone company I used to work for to ask for a copy of my last job performance review. I wasn't able to meet face to face with HR personnel, but did call back the person that I interviewed with this morning and provide the contact info. If I can't get it, maybe she can!

Now I wait. If the recruiter thinks I'm qualified for the job, she'll pass on my file to the Director. That's the lady my sister knows. I would interview with her and then if I pass that one, I have to go through a peer interview. Sheesh! Enough already! Why do they have to make it so damn irritating to get a job? Anyway, then I have to contribute to a drug screen, background check, and pre-employment physical. They check references before I proceed much further so hopefully that will be out of the way shortly.

On I go ...

(Oh yeah ... blood tests were fine. My thyroid is still not where it should be. Doctor is increasing my synthroid and wants me off the generic and on the name brand drug. Just goes to show sometimes the generic is NOT as good as the name brand. Makes you go hmmm doesn't it?)

And so it goes...

I reported a six pound gain last week that turned into an eight pound gain before the scale started on it's way back down. As you can see from the tracker above, I'm back to where I started two weeks ago. I'm back to 404 pounds.

I have had a few non-scale victories this last week as well. I went to Wal-mart and avoided the electric carts. I went there with the intent to walk and refused to do anything else. The new store near us has benches in the perimeter aisles so I knew if I got tired, I'd be able to sit down and rest and that's what I did. I even made myself walk some extra steps before we left because I wanted to be sure to get the same number steps as I would have had I done the Walk Away the Pounds DVD I usually do.

Yesterday, I didn't feel like walking inside and it was sunny outside so I grabbed my CD player, popped in Shania Twain, and off I went. I walked a half mile in about nine minutes. This same walk about did me in last fall. I would get half-way and feel like I was going to drop from spaghetti legs. I would have a pounding heart with the sound of blood pumping in my ears as I drew every ragged breath with every staggering step. The good news is that I completed the walk with very little distress. There was a burn in my thighs and my knees were a little tender, but I could breathe and kept putting one foot in front of the other. It felt great to be outside walking. When I got back, I managed to fit into one of our plastic patio chairs, so like a gecko in Florida, I basked in the sunshine and my success!

This past week, I walked a total of 25,365 steps with an average of 3624 per day. I had 50 minutes of aerobic steps this week. I racked up 7.17 miles on my pedometer taking me to a total of 72.2 miles walked since I started tracking it. That was back on November 6 according to the email confirmation I got when I joined a website that tracks the miles you walk. All in all, I'm pleased with the progress I've made. I've definitely come a long way and it's so motivating to be seeing the changes as compared to a few months ago.

Now I am focused and moving steadily toward my next mini-goal of being below 400. I'm going to do all I can to make it happen this week. It's only 4.5 pounds. Surely I can eek that out this week. If not this week, then next week for sure! Then I'll be setting my sights on 380 pounds which will be my 150 pound milestone. On I go, determined to get where I want to be.

Walking with a DVD vs regular walking

This morning, no matter what I said to myself, I could not get motivated to do my "Walk Away the Pounds" DVD. I told myself how tired I'd be if I didn't do it. I told myself how unhappy I'd be on the scale in the morning. I told myself how much my body needs to move. None of it worked. And then it got late and I was hungry so I ate breakfast, knowing that once I did that, I was past the point of no return. I would not be walking with Leslie today.

I made the decision, since I didn't do that walk, I would go out to Wal-Mart and walk. I would walk past the electric carts and walk around the store until I had the steps I would have had if I'd walked with the DVD. And that's what I did! I had to sit down and rest a time or two. Once my right leg was going numb, but after a little sitting, I got back up and kept on going. I managed to walk almost as many steps as I do with the DVD but no aerobic steps. I was okay with that, though.

I will say, the regular walking must have used different muscles. The muscles in my thighs were shouting out. My calves were tight. Yet, I continued to walk because I knew I had to get the steps in. And it felt good when I was done and heading home! I think next time we go grocery shopping, I'll do the walking instead of using an electric cart. I've relied on those darn things for far too long and now it's time for me to do the walking. I'm pretty darn proud of me tonight!

On a side note I'm furious as all hell with Tim right now. He made a cutting remark and upset Mandi and her boyfriend. I understand why Tim said what he did and how he feels but why doesn't he just try to understand that his words hurt? His mom was the same way and Tim used to complain about it when she was alive. Mandi went to be early and said it's comments like that which will cause her to move out and never come back. Her boyfriend left to go to a friend's house and I don't know if he's coming back tonight. And now Tim has gone to be way early to sulk about me yelling at him that if Mandi moves out and never comes back I'll never forgive him. Okay, maybe I should have held my tongue but damn it all! I'm so tired of him saying shit and thinking it's okay because this is his house and that gives him the right to say whatever he wants to say. He does not have the right to hurt people. Period!

I'm gonna go check on Mandi and see if she knows if her boyfriend is coming back tonight. Then I'm going to check on Tim and make sure he's okay. Damn, I hate this kind of crap. Until tomorrow ... as my world spins out of control!

Doctor Appointment Today

My doctor appointment went well. He was happy with my weight loss since my last visit in December (25 lbs) and said to keep doing what I'm doing because it's working. He is increasing my blood pressure medication as my blood pressure has not changed since starting the medication I'm on. I did tell him I've been under considerable stress lately but he wanted to increase it and see what happens. He also did a blood draw for a TSH level to check my thryroid function and I suspect that will be increased as well. I have to wait for a call on that one.

I asked about the lymph-edema on my leg. I wanted to know if it's ever going to go down significantly. He said that it probably will not. He says losing weight and increasing my exercise will help (and I believe that it is) but it is not going to make it go away. He did say surgery could be an option, eventually, however he said since that is not his specialty he was not comfortable discussing it with me. He said I may eventually want to seek a specialist but had no leads on anyone locally so I'll wait a while on it.

Discussed mood swings and night sweats which he confirmed is peri-menopause. Said to let him know if they get really bothersome and he'll work it out with me. Right now it's more of an inconvenience than anything so I'm opting to take no meds (hormones) right now for that.

Now I wait to hear about the thyroid and whether or not that med is to be changed. All in all, a good appointment in my opinion.

Finally, a break

I talked with my older sister a couple days ago to let her know I'd applied for a job at the local hospital where she works. Ends up, there is a position for a unit secretary open on her floor. She said she'd talk to her director and see if my file could be pulled and an interview set up.

This morning I got a call from the HR department and an interview is set up for Monday morning. The position is part time (64 hours per pay period) with benefits. It will be on the midnight shift, which would work out well. Tim will be finished eating and taking all medications before I leave for work so he should be okay. He'll have to get used to sleeping by himself again, but that's a minor detail as far as I'm concerned. I'd love to land this job. It would solve quite a few things for me right now and make life easier. My sister started out in this same job many years ago. I know if she can do it, I can do it. I'm pretty excited about it and the possibility of being able to stay right where I am! We'll see how it goes. The interview on Monday is the first interview. If I can get through it, I should be okay for the second one with the director.

On another note, the scale seems to be moving downward once again. I'd love to report on Sunday that I'm at least back to the 404 I was before I went to Florida but don't know if that will happen. At least I'm on my way and that has strengthened my determination. I will be under 400 pounds by the end of the month, I just know it!

Finally, I feel like I'm catching a break!

And so it goes

I'm happy to report that I am back to my daily walking with Leslie. It's been a real struggle and the last two days I've had to force myself to do it, but I've done it. I honestly don't understand why I dread doing it. It's a challenge, yes, but I feel so much better afterwards. I feel a sense of pride that I completed it. I feel better physically. And I feel that I lived up to my own expectations when I walk.

The scale did move down one pound today. At least that gives me hope that I can get the six pounds back off and proceed "onward and downward" as my dear friend Eva says all the time. I was beginning to wonder.

Have rescheduled my doctor appointment for Thursday afternoon. I'm sure blood will be drawn to check my TSH levels for my thyroid meds. Perhaps after an adjustment, I'll have another month like January. That would be nice and would motivate me for sure!

I'm trudging toward that 399 mark and will then head for the 150 pounds gone milestone. It's within my grasp. I just have to keep going!

What is Success?

The Daily Dose at Nutrisystem today was about success and had some good questions in it. It got me to thinking about what I define as success.

Success as defined by dictionary.com is "the achievement of something desired, planned, or attempted". I think all of the things NS listed as definitions of a successful weight loss program were correct. Many of us do define out success in terms of pounds lost, inches lost, clothes fitting and smaller sizes. It's about so much more than just the numbers, but we all focus on the numbers.

NS also listed definitions of success as controlling cravings, maintaining control under peer pressure, figuring out what full really is, changing bad eating habits to healthy ones, gaining confidence and self-esteem, and the 'after' pictures at the end of the journey. Those are also good indicators of success but what is success to me?

"At what point will you feel you have succeeded in your battle against your weight?" For me, success will be finally feeling comfortable in the shell that is known as my body. It will be being able to move where I want to move when I want to move and knowing I no longer have to worry about my body fitting into a tight space. Success will be knowing I'm in control and can choose to have that cheesecake after lunch because I can control how much of it I eat. Success will be wearing clothes that fit and make me feel good about who I am. But you know what? I'm already a success. I have already lost 120 pounds and I know I will continue to lose until I get to where I want to be. Every time the scale shows I lost another pound, I am a success. Remember the definition in the beginning of this post? Success is the achievement of something desired (boy do I desire to lose weight), planned (I definitely plan to lose this weight with every single morsel I put into my mouth and every glass of water I drink and every step I take), or attempted (I attempt to lose weight on a weekly basis). Every time the number on the scale goes down, I am successful because I have achieved what I set out to do.

"What moment will define victory for you?" I actually feel that every time the scale goes down, I am victorious. Complete victory will be the moment I am finally okay with the number on the scale, coupled with how clothes are fitting, coupled with how I feel physically and mentally. I'm sure that emotionally, it's going to take longer to catch up and I realize that.

"What will you feel like at that time?" I will fell like I have accomplished what I set out to do. I set out on this journey over a year ago with the intent to lose 325 pounds. When I finish, I will know where I started and where I ended and I'll be content with that knowledge.

I am successful EVERY day that I eat the right foods, drink the water, and move my body. I am successful because I believe in myself and know that I can do this and I also believe and know each of my readers are successful as well.

Enjoy your Monday, everyone!

Reviewing Week 57

It was not a good week for me on so many levels. After reaching such a milestone last week, I'm sad to report that I managed to gain back all six pounds that I had lost. I'm back up to 410 pounds but I know why. Too much time in the car (contributing to an increase in the lymphedema), not enough water and driving in the car in that stale air can cause dehydration, too many carbohydrates (and I should have definitely known better), and not enough exercise (though I downloaded the codec and took my walking DVD with me). All of that meant a gain for sure on the scale and it sure did spell disaster from a diet standpoint.

The good news is that I'm back on track, as I said yesterday and moving on. I'm not going to beat myself up over this. I'm disappointed but it is a lesson to learn from. I am eating the right foods again, and avoiding the carbohydrates. I am drinking my water again. And this morning I started walking with Leslie once again. I have my fingers crossed that I can drop that six pounds again this week. I'm ready to move on to my next mini-goal so I need to make it to 399 and move on.

I did okay with steps on my pedometer. I still managed to average almost 3000 per day and I let that lull me into thinking I was getting exercise when I wasn't. Another lesson learned the hard way, but not one I'll forget anytime soon.

Check back next week to see if I managed to get the six pounds back off. I'm sure going to give it the ole "college try".

Back on Track

As my weigh-in tomorrow morning will tell, I gained a bit of weight on this trip. I could blame it on the lymphedema and sitting for a total of 36 hours in the car, but I won't. I did my best to make healthy choices, but when doing so for three meals a day, I guess I didn't do so hot. It's okay. I know some of it is water weight, some of it is the lymphedema, and some is just weight that I gained and rightly so.

Since we got home, I've been back on track, though. I'm eating the right foods and drinking all my water. I'll be back to walking with Leslie first thing in the morning and next week I'm hoping to report a loss putting me under the 400 pound mark. I didn't make my initial mini-goal but I did make the mystery mini-goal last week and that made me almost as happy as being under 400 pounds. It's going to happen and then on to the 150 pounds gone mark I'll trudge.

I've been tagged

... by Paul ... so I guess here's my story!

4 jobs I've had:

* public school teacher of severly mentally retarded deaf-blind students
* daycare teacher and director
* Emergency room registrar
* cellular customer service representative in an inbound call center

4 movies I can watch over and over:

* Arthur (that movie makes me laugh every time)
* Steel Magnolias
* Pretty Woman (love Julia Robert's laugh in this one)
* Robin Hood (with Kevin Costner)

4 places I've lived:

* West Central Indiana (born in Clinton)
* East Central Illinois (country near Champaign)
* Far West Chicago suburbs (think Roselle, Glendale Heights, Streamwood, St Charles)
* Largo, Florida

4 TV shows I love:

* Grey's Anatomy
* 24
* Lost
* American Idol

4 places I've vacationed:

* Nassau, Bahamas
* San Diego, Catalina Island, Ensenada Mexico (on a cruise)
* Nassau, St. Thomas Virgin Islands, Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico (on a cruise)
* Jamaica and Grand Cayman Island (on a cruise)

4 of my favorite dishes:

* Pizza (any kind from anywhere with lots of toppings both veggies and meat)
* McDonald's Hamburgers (hot & fresh)
* New York style cheesecake (this is dessert, but it's a favorite)
* Meatloaf

4 places I'd rather be right now:

* someplace warm and beautiful (like Hawaii)
* the mountains
* near the ocean
* just about anywhere but right here right now

Hmmm ... I guess I'll tag Barry because he only posts once a week. Right now my mind is a blank as to who else to tag since Paul used some of my other friends.

I'm Back!

To those of you who have checked in here daily, hoping for news, I apologize. I did manage to log in twice from Florida. For whatever reason, I just couldn't get connected at the hotel in Georgia either way. And when we got home last night, I was just tired and wanted nothing to do with the computer.

I went to the interview on Tuesday afternoon. I interviewed with the business office manager and three lead personnel. I was not interviewed for the job I initially drove down there for. No mention was made of it. I used to work in Emergency Room registration. From the time I talked with Eddie on the phone last week, to the time of the interview, they had a job opening in the ER. That is the job they interviewed me for. I never got a chance to inquire what happened with the job I had driven 18 hours one way to discuss! The last thing Eddie said to me was "The next voice you'll hear from here will be HR personnel" which I took to mean they were offering me a job. So far, I've not heard anything from anyone.

I kind of hope they don't call with an offer. The ER job means being on my feet for most of an eight hour shift. All registration is now done at bedside on a laptop. I can't even imagine standing up to type info all day long. Wow! The hours and days of the week I would be working weren't discussed, but they wouldn't be an issue. When one needs a job, one needs a job. But I don't want to relocate and then find they aren't going to keep me because I can't keep up. And I'm facing reality right now. There is no way in hell (or anywhere else for that matter) that I can stand up for eight hours a day!

I also came to the realization that I really don't think I want to move back down there. Yes, the warmer weather is nice and I certainly wouldn't mind that, but we have no real friends and no family there. That's always been an issue for me. We had Mandi before, but there's no guarantee she's going to want to be there when she graduates. I would be alone if something happens to Tim. I know family can drive down there in 18 hours but a LOT can happen in 18 hours!

Tim and I had our first real fight in our entire marriage over all of this yesterday. Actually, it brought up a lot of old feelings and hurts and blaming that had been put away for a very long time. Things were said that would have been better left alone. Feelings were hurt and will take a long time to heal, if they ever do. It was not pleasant.

Bottom line is I'm now praying they don't call me. I'm praying that they realized I was not the right person for the job after all. I was honest and told them I wasn't sure I could keep up being on my feet. They were nice about everything, but who knows what they said once I left the room? All I know for sure is I haven't heard from them. Oh well!

I will go to the local employment office on Monday. I will register and see what they can come up with. I'll continue to apply for jobs here. I'm going to the local superintendent of schools to see what I need to do to get my teaching certificate back up to par. Maybe I can substitute teach in the county and manage to work fairly steady. It would be without benefits, which has been an issue but it would be money coming in. At least I'd get my foot in the door and hopefully get a full-time job when one opens up. I'll also check with the local temp agency and see if that brings any results.

So ... on I go. One way or another, things will work out. It's just going to take time. I didn't answer the comments from my last post. I'll work from this point on. Thanks for stopping by, each of you. It means a lot to know you all are out there, thinking of me and supporting me.