Hanging on

I am hanging on. So tired of the constant struggle. Tired of having to be strong for everyone else. No one there for me, really. Every day it's something else. I miss my dear friend Teresa from Alaska. If she were still alive I would be very tempted to run away up there, just to be done here. To outsiders I appear strong, in control, such a "good wife". It's all just a facade that I live every day. I'm tired of being told God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Really? Because I feel I am about to reach my breaking point and when I do, it will not be pretty. Job interview on Tuesday. Not a job I really want but unemployment is up this week and without that, we really will have no money. Tim will get his social security on Wednesday and after all the bills are paid we will have $58 to get us thru to next month. Did I mention that is before putting gas in the car and food on the table. I know others have it worse but dang. And yes, I know all about social services, LINK and SNAP, Medicaid, monetary assistance, etc. right now wading thru all of that red tape. To get state health insurance I have to have a physical. Really? If I could afford a physical I probably wouldn't need insurance. Oh well, I'm blessed to be alive.

All I want to do...

...is eat! I don't know what has gotten into me. I eat and immediately want to eat again. It isn't even that I'm hungry. I know it's is all emotional. I'm trying to find something else to do when this hits. I tell myself to just get up off of my butt and move but it isn't happening. I always have an excuse. Anyone have an idea how to stop making excuses and just act. I know what I need to do but putting it into action is my problem. It's always been my problem.

Moving Forward

A few successes over the last couple days has helped my mood a bit. My sister gave me money to get Tim's medications. She is always there to help me when I need it. Seems like I've needed it way too much lately! I managed to get Tim set up with a medicare supplement insurance. It is a bit pricey but I believe that it will save us money in the long run. I need to call the transplant team to reschedule Tim's evaluation and testing. I will try to get that done tomorrow. I also got a call today for a job interview in a group home. Kind of worried about which shift I end up on because it can affect Tim's dialysis time but I need a job desperately. The interview is Tuesday, July 24. Those of you who are prayerful, please pray for His will in this.

Update

I mentioned life stresses in my last post. Today is no different than any other. Stress level at an all-time high. Up at 4:30 AM to get Tim to dialysis. He is out of all meds and feels like crap. His weight is extremely low because he isn't eating. He has constant nausea right now. He is very depressed. He is worried about money. He has a tech today that he doesn't like. It just keeps building. Humana dropped him the last day of June because we moved to another county. He is no longer in their service area. NO notice. REALLY? It's totally ridiculous! His caseworker here at dialysis was supposed to help me figure it all out. That has not happened. So Monday, I will call Health Alliance and try to get a Medicare supplement that will at least start on August first. I don't know if they can refuse him based upon his health but I am praying hat they will not. Got a request from the Dept. of Human Services for more info before they make a ruling on Medicaid. I get to try to pull all of that together and get it back to them ASAP. This would be for both of us. Since I've not had insurance since I lost my job in January of 2011, it would be nice to be approved. I have $919 bill for lab work done last month. To top it all off, I was also notified that my unemployment is running out. I now have to go into their office ASAP to be evaluated for job skills. Oh goody! Hopefully I will qualify for emergency unemployment benefits, at least until I can get back to working as a substitute teacher next month. So yes, my stress level is through the roof right now. No job and no hint of one, though I've applied for several recently. Little money which just does not go far enough. Case in point, Tim is out of his meds and we won't be able to get them uuntil the end of next week. I have notified his doctor and hopefully he will be able to help with samples. And so it goes. So glad I am back and getting this out here. It is the first step toward getting myself back on track and staying there. At least that is what I hope.

Epic Failure

I cannot believe I am where I am right now. Fifty years old, unemployed, broke all the time, disabled husband in end stage kidney failure, ... So tired. My life has been out of control for so long. I was down to 265 pounds and feeling pretty good about myself. Major life changes and I have gained back up to 320 pounds. I totally hate where I am. I never wanted this to happen. I am struggling to care about it other than being angry all the time. Maybe if I get back to blogging, it will give me an outlet ang get me back on track. I have to try. Probably no one reads here anymore but this has always been more about me than anyone else anyway.