Living with illness

I am so tired. I honestly do not know how people live with being ill. I hate watching my husband's quality of life continue to be less and less. There is nothing I can do. At this point, as mean as it sounds, there is nothing I really would do either. This is very draining on me. As he gets sicker, his attitude gets worse. I understand it but that doesn't mean I have to like it. He says hurtful things and gives no thought how it may affect those around him. I honestly dont think he even cares. I'm so tired. Being his secretary, nurse, mother, social worker ... It is all so draining. If I do not do these things, they will not get done. The last couple of years I have really stepped back a lot. I no longer draw his insulin shots. I no longer nag him to do what he should. I no longer tell him what he should or should not be eating, doing, etc. I'm just done! I feel like a horrible person for the thoughts in my head. I just want to be free. I will not leave. As long as he is physically capable I will not put him in a nursing home. I guess I'm just stuck. Lord forgive me for wanting Tim to move on from this life. The dialysis makes him sick. He is miserable. He is suffering. He is in pain. He is not the man I married. I married him in sickness and in health, but I did not sign on for this. Today I am sad. Our oldest daughter posted on her Facebook about how this is affecting her. I cannot offer her much comfort when I am struggling with it myself. All I can do is tell her to love her dad, spend time with him, help her children to make good memories of him. That is what I struggle to do every day. I guess this hurts so much because I remember him the way he was, twenty-eight years ago when we met. Sadly his health issues started about six years later and the really challenging issues started about ten years ago. I will trudge through today to see what tomorrow brings.