A little update

I am still bouncing up and down 395-410 lbs. It's frustrating. I called to schedule the appointment with the surgeon. He is out of the office until tomorrow. He will review the info I gave over the phone and decide if he is going to meet with me or not. I'm hoping he'll remember me since he did my surgery before. It may be another week before I have that consultation. Until then, I'll just keep on trying to get more fat off of me.

My body is now having to make a big adjustment. After more than a year of working overnight shift (10 PM - 8 AM) I have made the leap to day shift (7:30 AM - 3:30 PM). I now will have every other weekend off and then one weekend midweek off. I'm so used to only getting 4-5 hours sleep that my sleep cycle is all messed up. I fell asleep in my recliner last night about 9:30 PM and woke up at 4:00 AM. I was wide awake so I just got up. This means I'm going to need a nap mid-afternoon. Good thing I'm off work today! *grins*

Haven't been doing so well with tracking my calories. One of my goals for February is to track my foods at Sparkpeople every day. It is one of the many tools I know I need to rely on and use. Another is to increase my activity level. Sure hope that center in the hospital can help me with that.

Other than that, I'm doing okay. I still really want to focus and be under 400 by March 1st. And I don't mean to be under by a couple pounds. I'd like to be at least 5-7 lbs under by then. At least then I'd feel like I was being successful again. I'm going to baby step my way there. I can do this, right?

Cold and a Doctor Appt

It is so cold here in northern Illinois. I swear the last two days I have almost turned into a popsicle! Last night I had to hunt my electric blanket and put it on my bed. I woke up an hour after going to bed with teeth chattering. It really wasn't that cold in our home but I was freezing. The blanket helped but a couple hours later I woke up sweating and unable to cool off. Turned off the blanket and slept on top of the covers the rest of the night. So strange.

Wondered if it could have had anything to do with the tetnus/diptheria booster shot I got at the doctor's yesterday. I talked with my older sister, who works in a hospital and was going through nursing school, and she said it's not a side effect she's heard of. A fever is common, but the freezing is unexplainable. I also had my first GYN appt in ten years. Yeah, it's been too long given the history in my family (mom had cancerous tumor in her uterus and sister has had a partial mastectomy) but what can I say. At least it's behind me now.

We talked about how I seem to not be able to get any lower than 400 pounds and stay there. She asked if would consider bariatric surgery. I told her no way would I even remotely consider gastric bypass. Personally, I know too many who have had that surgery with many problems. They lost weight way too rapidly and looked sickly. Taking handfuls of nutritional supplements for the rest of my life isn't very appealing either. Also, I know many who have had that surgery and have since managed to gain back a good part or all of the weight lost in time.

I would, however, consider the lapband surgery. I went to a seminar on that once. It isn't all that invasive. It is totally reversible. You lose weight at a less rapid rate. You aren't bypassing anything in your digestive track so there isn't the need for the multitude of supplements. It just all around seems like a better fit for me. I so wanted to believe I could do this without surgery but it's beginning to look like maybe not. Ah but to be able to spend four months with the Biggest Loser trainers, dieticians, etc. No way I'd appear before America (and the world) in those weigh-in outfits, though. I think it's ridiculous! How much does a t-shirt weigh, anyways. Put some clothes on for goodness sakes. It's like they try to shame those people when they are already ashamed enough about being so large. I guess I just don't want it bad enough to humiliate myself in that way.

I have to schedule my mammo now. And I will go to a consultation with a bariatric surgeon and see what he says. Actually, it will be the same surgeon who removed the tumor from my leg. I loved that guy! I will listen to what he has to say and consider my options. My doctor also said this may be the way to at least get to meet with a bariatric dietician so I will go. I'm not telling my family nor will I be talking about it any other place but here. I'm not open to the criticism I know I will face from some. I know it's given in a loving manner because people care about me but I have to do what's best for me. Should I have the surgery, I may start a new blog, but if I do, it will be linked from this one so people can find me.

Stay warm, my friends. Here in IL that's next to impossible to do right now!

Apologies

Sorry for the inconvenience in being able to read my posts lately. I don't know what happened. This is my second time typing this. Guess I'll save it in case it doesn't go through again. *sigh* I've changed to a template that was available here at blogger instead of the one a friend designed for me. This one doesn't say much about me but at least we can read it. LOL Thanks for hanging in there with me!

Horrible Week

It's been a horrible week. I managed to undo most of my loss last week. I gained six pounds! I don't know why I continue to do this to myself. I seem to have some kind of mental block in getting below 400 and staying there. It is really starting to frustrate me. I know that it's all my doing. I knew I was gaining, but refused to step onto the scale until this morning. Back to work ... yet again. One of these days I will make this work!

The Weigh In

Well I've finished my first week back on track and am pleased to report a nine pound loss this past week. I am sitting pretty at 404 pounds this week. I tracked my calories and water daily at Sparkpeople. I managed to move my body, not as much as I could have but every little bit helps. I made healthy choices in eating and stuck to my plan. And it all paid off for me. I'm happy with the result and anxious to see what the coming week will hold for me.

Going well

My restart is going quite well. I feel like I did back in 2005 when I first embarked on this journey of mine. I just know that this is going to be the year that I succeed in dropping another 100 lbs. So far, I'm doing quite well with my eats. Not so well with exercise but it will come. I just have to force myself to do it.

The sad and ugly truth

So I finally weighed in this morning and the ugly truth is that in just two months I've managed to pack back on 20 pounds. What in the heck is wrong with me?! I've been here before and I don't want to go back. I have to get a grip on this.

I did get some great menu ideas and have a plan. I will be eating three healthy meals per day and two snacks of fresh fruit. I will exercise a minimum of ten minutes every day. I will keep my calories in the 1500-1800 calorie range. According to one website I was reading I need 3318 per day to maintain my weight. I hate to think how many calories I've consumed to gain back 20 lbs! But NO MORE. I will think about what I am eating. I will focus on moving. I will continue to drink my water. And I will track my calories at SP so I am certain that I am in my range every day. I know I can do this. I have to think about me. Already I can feel the difference in how I move being 20 pounds heavier. I'm not liking myself much right now.

But I have a plan and I will stick with it. My goal is to be back under 400 lbs by March 1st. I will then re-evaluate and keep going. I want so badly to lose another 100 pounds this year. I did it before and I know in my soul I can do it again. Time to focus on me and just 'git 'er done'!

Back at it!

I am ready to get back at it. I cannot believe I let an entire year (actually two now) go by without doing anything about all this fat. It really saddens me to be no further than I was at the end of 2005. It makes me feel like a big fat failure.

And before you all go on telling me about how I've maintained and that's positive, let me acknowledge that I am in a better place than I was when 2005 started and I weighed 530 pounds. I know that, but it doesn't make me feel much better.

If I had done what I knew worked, I would have been at or near my goal of just under 200 pounds by now. I HAVE to get back to taking care of me. I am working on coming up with a plan that will work for me.

Speaking of work, my transfer to days is on hold yet again. In July I was told to be patient. A new staff had been hired and was supposed to work two day shifts every weekend and two overnight shifts. It ended up she was on days full-time until she quit in November. She was supposed to be pulled down and I was supposed to get her day shift, but it never happened.

Then I was told when another staff retired, I would move to days. Her last day was Dec 31st yet I am still on the overnight schedule. *sigh* And just yesterday before I left work I was told that I was going to have to be patient because she still needs me on nights. Yet, she is pulling someone from the evening shift to work days every single day. There is no justice there and I'm tired of waiting. So I'm searching for a new job. I've had it!

Happy New Year

I didn't realize it had been so long since I last posted. Following is a recap of my New Year's Eve. I had to work (of course) and it was a humdinger!

I am so thankful that last night is behind me. It was a great night, followed up by a rough wee hours of the morning. Let me give you a little rundown on my celebration.

First off, when I woke up yesterday afternoon, and it was snowing. Tim said not to worry. It wasn't supposed to amount to much. By the time we were ready to head out to the grocery store, the car was covered in an inch of snow. Do the shopping and had to clear another inch off the car. Home and before leaving for work, yet another inch or so had built up on my car. *sigh* And it wasn't supposed to amount to much. Have I mentioned how much I'm hating snow this year?

At any rate, a twenty minute drive took me almost 45 to get to work. I clocked in late. *sigh* Hopefully, the manager won't take away my holiday pay because of that. She can if she really wants to. If she does, I'm going to raise holy hello with her! AND ... I was late because I got stuck in the parking lot at work because the plows had not been out to clear it, yet. *sigh* Managed to get unstuck with a little luck and a few choice words.

So I clock in and the girls are HYPER. They are getting ready to go out to church and then breakfast. No one wanted to listen to me about how dangerous it was to go out. I called the Manager and she said we still needed to go as it was all arranged. I reminded her it was New Year's Eve and by the time we head home, those who've been out drinking will be on the roads. She didn't want to hear me. Oh well! I shrugged my shoulders and figured it's time to shut my mouth and find a new job. I've really had enough of that crappy place!

We go out to get in the van and before we're all in, the girls wanted it pulled up so they weren't standing in a snowdrift. Ha! The van got stuck. I mean really stuck. Then it started to slide sideways instead of going forward. After about 30 mins, we managed to get it out and loaded and off we went to church.

Arrived late but so did others so no big deal. It was a nice service. Just as the new year started, one of my girls had an asthma attack. Guess who forgot to bring the inhalers for all our asthma girls? Yep! I'm not used to having to take them anywhere. Dang! Thankfully, there was a woman behind us who knew what was happening and offered us her own inhaler. Whew! That saved my butt big time.

We leave church and head off to IHOP for breakfast. At least now the roads have been cleared of snow, however it was still snowing. Got to breakfast and our youngest girl (who is 12) started to act up. It was 1:30 AM. Egads, she embarrassed everyone. By the time we left, she was pushing and swearing.

Get home and the drive was just starting to be cleared. Got stuck twice getting up to the front door. Most of the girls went right to bed. The youngest got mad when I told her she would be on TA (NO privileges) for her poor public behavior. Then she got mad at another youth and ended up throwing a broom at myself, the other staff, and two girls who were standing nearby. I was so angry that she could ruin what had been up until then a perfectly good evening.

Get her calmed down and another girl decides she isn't ready to go to bed. Plopped in the staff office and refused to leave. I told her if she didn't leave, I'd have to remove her. She said to do what I had to do. So I hauled her tiny little butt up out of that chair and escorted her out. A few minutes later, she had pushed past the other staff and was back in there again. I again removed her. She continued to refuse to go to bed until 4:00. I was so mad I could barely think.

From 4-6 I did all the paperwork for the shift. The other staff has never worked overnight and had no clue what needed to be done. I also counted all the medications and packed meds for first med dose of the morning. At 6:15 I went out to clear the sidewalk for day shift and find that the end of the sidewalk was buried thanks to the a-hole who plowed the drive. Not only that, but my car had been plowed in!

I grabbed the shovel and headed for my car. Forget the sidewalk! I'm so ready to head home. I clear off some snow from my car (by the way, we ended up with probably about six inches though that's my own guess) and started it, turning on the defrosters. Then I started to shovel. It was FREEZING out there, with wind whipping. My gloves got soaked and half-way through I changed them. I always keep two pair with me, thankfully.

Got it cleared and went inside. Almost time to clock out and remembered I hadn't written the TA packet for the girl to process in the morning. It's a series of questions about what happened that she ended up on TA. Things like "What do you think the poor public behaviors you showed were?" "What could you have done differently?" "Do you care that you embarrassed everyone else with you and how would you have felt if someone else had done what you did?" Lastly, "What is a more appropriate way to show anger than throwing objects at others?" Whew! I clocked out exactly ten hours from the time I clocked in. Darn system docked me 15 minutes! *sigh*

At any rate, I work tonight and I'm done until Saturday. I'm SO looking forward to those three days off. Sorry this was so long, but I figured I'd share my night with all of you.

I HATE snow right now. Bah humbug!

Thanks to all for the birthday wishes. It was a good day spent with Tim.

And Randy, I'm sorry to hear about the death of Sue's mother. I'll add her to my prayer list. I know the firsts are so rough and to have a death so near to the holidays is never easy. I still remember my paternal grandmother being buried on Christmas eve when I was a child. God bless!