So ...

It seems I'm not very comfortable talking about the possibility of weight loss surgery anywhere but with the hubby. I belong to a wonderful group of ladies at Sparkpeople who say they will support me no matter what but I still feel judged by them for thinking about it.

I mentioned it here and got mixed feeling from others about it so I don't know that I want to talk about it here either. I guess the bottom line is I will do what I feel I need to do for me. Anyone who doesn't like what I do will just move on, as many have evidently done. I used to get lots of comments and I know most have stopped now. Of course, I've gone to sporadically posting and I haven't lost any weight for almost two years so why bother to read the ramblings of this fat woman who seems to have lost her edge. At least that's how I feel.

It really makes me sad to feel this way. It isn't anything any one person has said about surgery. It's just everything I guess. It doesn't help that I'm torn about it as well. I wanted to believe I could go from over 500 pounds to just under 200 all by myself. But I am here to tell you that ain't gonna happen. I've been trying and continue to hit the wall. Why beat myself up over this on a daily basis? I don't know.

I continue to seek wisdom and to pray about what I really need to do about this mess I've created for myself. It is of my own doing anyway.

I did go to a new doctor because my doctor changed medical groups and I didn't want to travel the extra distance or go to the hospital she is now affiliated with. He was really nice and questioned how I managed to get over 500 pounds. He honestly feels there is something genetic and physical about people getting as big I was. He says I've tried everything else and now should seriously consider surgery.

So there you have it. On the weigh-in front, I'm sitting at 407 right now. I don't even remember what I weighed last time I reported it. It isn't where I want to be for the rest of my life, I can tell you that!

And with that, I have to finish up dinner and head off to church.

Here I Am

Hey Janet ... I'm here. Moved this past weekend and then there was a problem with transferring my internet to the new apartment. That's been settled now and voila! Here I am!

The move was difficult for me. The hubby and I did just about everything except the furniture. My younger sister and her family came up to do that. With their help we finished before dark and then had a nice visit. She was amazed at all I had managed to move before she got here. Shoot, I was pretty amazed myself! We moved so much using only three boxes and two clothes baskets in my car. It was difficult, but not impossible. Good thing we were only moving to another building in the same apartment complex!

Weight wise things are still going up and down. I honestly haven't been so focused on it with the move and all. I need to buckle down this coming week and get back to it. I'm also planning to start walking as soon as it warms up a little bit. I have my mp3 player loaded and ready to go. I'm actually looking forward to it. Now if only I can convince Tim I can do it alone. I know he means well but he distracts me and I really want this time for me. I feel selfish saying that being as how he sits in the apartment all day every day waiting for me to come home so he has someone to talk to. Ah well ... if I use the mp3 player maybe I can feel like I'm alone even when he's along.

Not much else to report. I hope to not disappear for so long this time!

Loss for the Week

Weigh in was yesterday (Saturday). What with all the snow shoveling I had to do around here I managed to eek off six pounds. Yep! Six pounds gone so now down to 405 once again.

Working days is helping but sleep cycle is still off. Guess that's going to take a lot longer to readjust than I thought. The girls seem to act the best on the morning shift for some reason. Today, it was like 2:30 pm and they all went "cuckoo for cocoa puffs"! It got to be so loud we put them all in their rooms for about 20 minutes. Egads!

Eating is going much better on day shift. I manage to eat about every two hours, a little bit of something. And I am eating healthier foods as well. Also using the stairs at work down and up so that helps as well.

We'll see how this next week goes. I need the snow to go away or at least stay away through the coming weekend. We move on Saturday. I am not looking forward to it. We move from the two bedroom we now live in (moved here last April for Mandi and the baby to be with us) back to a one bedroom in the same complex. I would have liked to move elsewhere but money kept us here for now. I can live with the decision. At least I know their snow removal sucks! LOL

Have a great week. I'll try to check in mid-week if anything exciting is happening.

Stupid Scale

So I weighed yesterday and find that I am once again back up to 411. I don't understand it as I ate pretty well and moved more than usual. I did do a lot of shoveling snow and perhaps therein lays the explanation. Muscle tears and retention of water as they repair themselves. I don't know. I was in tears about it yesterday but today am moving on. I will continue to eat well, track, and move as I can. Maybe a good loss will show on the scale next week. I sure hope so as this is getting old really fast!