When will it get better?

I'm beginning to think that this lost sick feeling in the pit of my stomach will never go away. I really do try to focus on the positive. I look for the good in everything. And yet, every day in end up in tears. I have given way to the tears. I have pushed them down. I've tried to eat them away. Nothing is working. I'm so sad and feel so alone. I honestly do not know how people move on, find someone else, and go through all of this all over again. I just want to curl up in a ball and block out the world. Things I used to enjoy like doing needlework or reading, are not enjoyable anymore. I've tried to find new things to interest me but so far nothing. They canceled my grief support group due to none interest. I can't say I'm all broke up about it. I hated it anyway. I will work my way through the workbook if I ever find the time. I'm hoping the move will help but I just don't know anymore. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about this in person any more. The person I thought of as my best friend now doesn't have time for me anymore. He didn't want to hear it anyway. When I tell him how I feel, he makes the effort for a couple days then it's back to nothing. I won't bother Mandi with it anymore. She has her full with her little boy, her daughter, two baby daddies, and a move coming up which I'm not really able to help fund. I won't bother Crys with it. She has her kids and her husband. She recently moved and is remodeling and settling in. I don't feel like anyone really gets it anyway. I don't know what I'm going to do. Once we move I have to find a doctor and then counseling. Is this clinical depression? Is it just self pity? I don't know anymore. I just want it all to stop. I hurt. I cry. I'm miserable. I pray every day for an answer but one has not come yet. I just muddle through each day in hopes the next will be better.

Back in Corinth

So I am back in Corinth, MS for the next week. This time I have my little grandson Brody with me. He did well on the trip down. He took two naps which helped and we stopped three times for him to run and play and diaper changes. Praying the drive home goes as smoothly next week.

So far, he's getting along fine with Motown. He smacked the dog on the nose this morning and Motown snapped at him. I think Brody learned his lesson. They are not best of friends but they get sling. If MoMo would quit licking Brody on his head and ears, it would probably help. LOL

I'm finding myself missing Mandi and Aaron a lot on this trip. Taking Brody to the park on my own can be exhausting. I'm too fat to fit in the tunnels at the park. I can't climb up the ladders for him to slide. All those tjings his daddy and mommy do with him. I wondered why I bother but he'd be really hard to handle if he was cooped up all day here.

I'm really missing Tim today, too. I've been thinking about him a lot. His two biggest fears his entire life were to be blind and to be homeless. I'm with him on the homeless thing. I know I have a home at my sister's house as long as I need it but I need my own space. Today I have been in some despair feeling like I will never be able to be on my own again.

I'm moving to a house in Belleville, IL with Mandi and Aaron. I'm feeling like a burden because I can't pay my own way. I think today has been a down day. But Brody will get his bath in a little bit. After he's asleep I'm going to shower and then watch some Netflix. Go to bed and hope Brody sleeps through the night.

Tomorrow is a new day.