Just don't know

I'm sitting here with the tears flowing and I can't seem to stop. I had a great day with grandson Brody today. But now I'm back home and I'm just so sad. I miss Tim. I need his advice. I'm stuck. I think I know what I want but I don't know how to make it happen. And some people may be hurt by my choices. I got myself set up for counseling last week. She cautioned me not to make any major life decisions. I need to. I just want to get on with living. I'm thinking of moving. Some will not understand. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel I can't talk to anyone. So I sit here and cry. Lord, help me through this rough time. Show me what your will is that I follow you.

I'm just so tired

I'm so tired of the drama that seeps into my life. I sure never thought at the age of 52 I'd be going through some of this childish crap. I have tried to step back and just live my own life but other people keep dragging me into their issues. It's okay for others to have a bad day but if I have a bad day it gets blown up all out of proportion. It's so ridiculous! I'm beginning to think I need to just go somewhere all by myself. I don't want to but I don't know what else to do. Just thoughts swimming in my head. I need to blog more often.

My Life is a Hot Mess

I don't know exactly who reads here but I'm finding there are days I have to get stuff out. I have appreciated the few comments left for me. They are sometimes revealing and sometimes encouraging, but always appreciated. I also appreciate that anyone who had something negative say has kept it to themself. This post has nothing to do with grief, or maybe it does. You decide. I'm just going to let the words flow.

Almost a year ago life as I knew it changed forever. If you've read here before you know the details. Tim died. I lost my husband, my best friend, my rock. I lost my job. I lost my apartment. I lost my identity as a wife, a teacher assistant, a caretaker all at the same time. I thought I would be okay. I guess to a lot of people I am okay. Life goes on. I have good days and I have bad days. Some days are bad for no reason I can figure out. I'm told that's normal given my circumstances. Other days I allow people to influence my day negatively. I know it but can't seem to stop it. I am aware of this happening. I am working on either removing those people from my life or at least moving away from them but it's hard. It's hard because I have to decide who is telling the truth and who is not. I have to decide who I want to keep in my life and who I want to let go. I have to trust that my decisions are the best for me and I just don't know anymore.

This has been a really hard week for me. My youngest daughter was told a truth about something I did and she finds it unforgivable. She has every right to be angry with me. I accept that what I did was wrong. I do not accept that she feels it's okay to speak to me the way she has. I am still her mother. She has accused me of not being there for her. She accused me of choosing someone else over her.she accused me of caring about someone who is not family more than I care about her. Oh, my heart is heavy and filled with so much sadness. She ordered me to get out of her house. So I did. And I don't know that I will ever be welcome back. What's been said cannot be taken back. It was hurtful. Yes, the truth hurts, but saying things does not mean they are true. In her eyes, I am guilty of everything she accused me of. In mine, I am a fifty-two year old woman who is mired deep in grief who deserves to choose her own friends. And that is the crux of the issue.

I've shed a lot of tears in the last three days. I don't know what to do. I pray God gives me guidance because I am lost, totally and completely lost. I know He is near and knows my pain. I don't even know when or if I'll ever get to see my grandson again. Those of you who know me well know that he has been my joy and the one thing I've been able to use as a focus to keep going.

Today, I ate three small Dove candies. The wrappers had the following words of wisdom, in this order:  1) Do what feels right. What does that mean? Nothing feels right anymore. I feel like my life is slowly and steadily falling apart.  2) Follow your instincts. If I did that, I would pack up my clothes, get in my car and just drive away. I'm not sure where I would go; maybe Mississippi, maybe the St. Louis area. It would hurt because I'd be leaving Brody behind. He's already had his daddy ripped from his life. How do I rip his Gamma from his life, too? And how do I explain to anyone how I just walk away. It doesn't mean I'm turning my back on anyone. I just need space and time to put my life back together. I know for certain my youngest daughter would NEVER understand and see it as being abandoned again. 3). Dream. I'm afraid to dream. I'm afraid to think about what might make me happy. I'm not sure I know what will make me happy. I just know I'm not happy here, in this space, living this life, going through so much pain and sorrow.

Getting these three wrappers kind of gave me pause today. What if I do know what feels right,? What if I did follow my instincts? What if I dared to dream? And what if I hurt or destroy others in the process? That is my struggle. That is what I have to figure out. I don't know how to get where I need to be. I sit and I cry because I'm so tired. I'm so frustrated. I want to help and support everyone and I can't. And I don't know how to move on. And God, I miss Tim. He was my rock. He was a great listener and he had a lot of wisdom. And he's gone. And I can't hear his voice anymore. I don't feel him near. I feel adrift, ripped apart, my heart torn to shreds. And I don't know what to do.

This my outlet. I hope getting it out will help to let it go. I learned a lot about myself during my time in Mississippi. And I did it while blogging. So here I am again. That handful of you reading, I thank you. I don't expect anything but it helps to just get it out. Time to blow my nose, dry my tears, and pull myself together. Tomorrow is a new day and The Lord willing, I get to try to get it right one more time. God bless!

Grief Share

I went to my first grief support group tonight. It uses a program called Grief Share. We watched a video and discussed it. I'm the youngest person there but that's okay. I missed the first session last week but they made me feel very welcome. I cried during the video. I cried telling Tim's story. It was an emotional day.

I've worked every day this week and am beginning to think it's just too much for me. I am exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally. What happened to that balanced person who came back from Mississippi? She got lost in the shuffle this week, I fear. But she will be back.

Tough Night

I honestly do not know what comes over me. I had an awesome day today. I spent lots of time with my Brody man. We met Crys with Mimi and Bubby at McDonalds and the kids played for a couple hours. Tony joined us near the end. I really enjoyed our time together. Took Brody home to his mom and visited with her a little. I intended to be gone before Boog got up from his nap but that didn't happen. Then he clung to me and didn't want to let me go. I sure do love that little guy and he loves his Gamma.

Went to Walmart and did some grocery shopping. Back home to my sister's. Cleaned up my room a bit. Talked on the phone for a couple hours. Didn't even realize that much time had passed. And then, out of nowhere, it hit me. I started to panic. I can't hear Tim's voice anymore. I can't remember if it was deep or high pitched. I can't remember was it loud or soft? Gravely or smooth? Aaron said Tim had a great voice. But damn it I can't remember! And I'm devastated by it. Why now? Why tonight? Why?

I've tried. I realized a couple weeks at that his voice was fading. I didn't give it a lot of thought. Tonight, I closed my eyes. I can see him so clearly. I see the young Tim when I first met him. I hated his clothes and his haircut. I can see him a few years into our marriage, receding hairline, jeans and a t-shirt. I can see him as he got sick. And as he got sicker. I see him with his full grey beard. But I can't hear his voice, not at any of those stages. And it has me feeling so sad. The tears are flowing and I'm really trying to hear him. Maybe now I'm trying too hard?

Mandi reminded me I have him on video tape. I need to go to the storage unit this week and look for that tape. I will then need to find a VCR to play it. I also need to find someone to put it on DVD for me. Then I can see him and hear him whenever I need to.

I honestly didn't know it was going to be this hard. I didn't know I was going to miss him this much. I didn't know my whole life would be forever changed and I would feel so lost and empty inside. Going to go allow myself a good cry now.