Just Sad

Tonight I am just sad. I am being consumed by my loneliness and grief tonight. People just don't understand. I stay to myself sometimes not out of choice but by circumstances. I got paid today. Big deal. I made my April car payment (May is due) and picked up my prescriptions. For some stupid reason, Illinois Medicaid only pays for four prescriptions I. A rolling thirty day cycle unless seen as a maintenance drug. So, they denied my Ambien refill. Okay, not gonna stress. She said it was like $22 and I assumed like last month it would be a 30 day supply. I paid for it last month too. I pretty much take it every night. For whatever reason, they gave me only 8 pills but charged me the same price. I didn't know until I got home. I'm aggravated. I guess I need to find something over the counter to knock me out ... But nothing worked before. Oh well, maybe back to sleepless nights for me. Whatever. Anyway after making my car payment and picking up my meds I have $5 to get me through the next two weeks. My gas light came on before I got home so I have no gas and no money for gas.  Gotta love it! And people wonder why I get so depressed. How does anyone survive alone? I just don't get it. Tomorrow is my granddaughters birthday party. Her mom has offered to come put some gas in my car so I can go. I was supposed to go to a family gathering on Sunday but probably won't now. My youngest daughter will put some gas in my car on Tuesday so it can be used to get her son to the doctor. Cheaper to take my car than her van. She's gonna have to put gas in it on Thursday for it be driven to our new house. I'm just so tired of it all. Sure, Tim and I struggled but not like this. I fear it will never end. And it makes me sad. And the tears roll down my cheeks.i feel like such a burden to so many. I can't even take care of myself anymore. I really want to just give up. I won't, but I want to so badly. Things look and feel so bleak. I try to look for the positive but it's just not working lately. I'm posting to get it out of my head not for sympathy or anything like that. If I don't sleep tonight I guess I can go outside and try to see the meteor shower that's supposed to happen. I don't know. I'm just so tired of it all. I hope this move is the right step for me and I can get back to some kind of normalcy.

It's been a year ...

... A year filled with sorrow and pain. A year of feeling like my heart was ripped out of my chest. A year of feeling like I'm losing my mind. It's been a year of changing. At 5:08 A.M. In the morning, Tim started to draw his las breath. I was with him the entire time. I talked with him, played his favorite music, held his hands, rubbed his forehead, and promised him I would be okay. In some ways I am. In others, I'm not doing so hot. Baby steps. Flashes of sound or vision in my memory. It's only born one year! It feels like a lifetime ago. Sleeping pill kicking in. Time to try to sleep.

I Only Control Me

I had a major disappointment today. I feel like someone who promised to never lie to me again turned around and lied by hiding something from me. It isn't that words even came out of his mouth. It was his actions that disappointed me. I honestly try to not have unrealistic expectations. But there are times that I just feel so damn betrayed and today is one of those days. I want to believe in this person. I want to trust them. But I can only control me and how I respond to things that happen around me. I let him know I was disappointed and why. I'd almost rather be angry because anger doesn't hurt; at least it doesn't hurt me. Disappointment makes my heart hurt. So, I shared how I felt and why. He acknowledged my feelings. I let him know I'm not mad and still love him. Now I have to let it go and move forward. We will see what tomorrow brings.

I am missing Tim so much right now. I think my anxiety is under better control. I'm having less crying spells. Maybe one day they will be behind me. As for your response to my last blog, Janet, I am on medication for depression, anxiety, and to help me sleep. I tried to start counseling but with me moving in a couple weeks, I did not see the point in starting and having to start again. As soon as we are moved, within the first week there, I plan to find a psychiatrist to continue my meds and a therapist to talk to. I know I cannot get through this on my own. I am also going to look for another Grief Share group to join. Hopefully some of the people will be more my age. Until then, I will continue to work in the workbook they gave me. There is some good stuff in there!