A new discovery

I know this is going to sound silly but I have to share it anyway. For many of you, you're going to shake your head that something so small can excite me. For others, you will understand exactly where I'm coming from.

I was on the floor today with Ceci (my granddaughter if you aren't a regular reader). When we were done playing, I generally crawl my way to something to push myself up off of the floor. Today, I didn't feel like it and instead just stood up ... from the floor to standing with no straining, no pushing up on something, no help whatsoever. I did it several times just to prove I really could do it!

Now ... I told you it was silly.

I noticed yesterday that my lymphedema seemed harder to the touch and felt bigger. This morning the scale almost sent me into cardiac arrest. I sure hope it's just some water retention. I know it has to be but it was not pleasant.

Had a busy day with Ceci here again today. We'll have her tomorrow in the afternoon, but only for a little while. Today was an all day visit and by the end I was ready for her to go home. We did take her out to dinner and she was so good.

I hope everyone is having a good week. I've had a little bit of upheaval going on but hanging in there and know it will be just fine. Keep your eye on the destination and just keep going!

Moving Monday

Kicked off my Monday with good ole Richard Simmons. I was going to skip it but just couldn't make myself do that. So in the tape went and voila! When I finished with that I went ahead and did 60 bicep curls, 30 lying ham curls, and 15 standing adductions. That last one is done standing and you raise your legs out to the side one at a time 15 times. Was supposed to do two reps, but felt like I was going to fall after the first one, so I quit. For me, that was quite a bit of movement.

We didn't make it to the grocery store, so Tim and I went and did the grocery shopping. We had to park quite a ways from the front door and I made it all the way in without even thinking about it. I also made it out, loaded the groceries into the trunk, and then helped carry them in when we got home. I even stood up to put the groceries away! Usually, I drag my desk chair to the counter and sit down to put everything away.

I'm finding it easier and easier to stand up to do things. I am also standing for longer periods of time without complaint. Little by little, I'm realizing that I AM making progress and it feels darn good!

52 Weeks Later

Today begins week 53 for me on this journey. Many changes have occurred over the last year. My actual anniversary date for starting to eat the Nutrisystem foods is February 2nd but I started to watch what I was eating last January.

This week's weigh in I dropped one more pound. I'm fine with that. If you're a regular reader, you know I had a bit of a rough spot or two this week. There was the day I ate at Chili's and didn't bother to track calories, there was the three days of the monthly monster, and there was the emotions all out of whack. I was lucky to lose the one pound!

In the month of January, I shed fifteen pounds. That gives me an average loss per week of 3.75 pounds and I really can't complain about that. Well, I could but what purpose would that serve? In one year I have dropped 122 pounds. I say dropped because I didn't lose them. I damn sure don't want to find them ever again! That gives me an average loss over the year of 2.34 pounds which most of you know is right about the recommended average weight loss by the 'professionals'.

I wasn't sure I was going to make my pedometer challenge this week. I managed to squeak it out, though. My goal was to average a minimum of 2,000 steps per day and the pedometer shows the average was 2031 steps per day. I'll take it and keep going. I think I'll shoot for an avearge of 2200 steps this week, just because!

Other than all that, I guess there isn't much more to say. Life is moving along. Still no word on the job interview. They said I would hear back by February 1 so I guess I'll wait and see. If I don't hear anything by then, I may give them a call. I'm trying to hold onto hope, but it's rough to keep the faith. I also didn't make that mystery mini-goal, hence you didn't hear about it this week. Maybe I'll be back in the groove again this next week and can announce it then. I hope so. Stay tuned for more on that and of course, I'm now only 8.5 pounds from making my mini-goal of being under 400 by March 1st. On I go ...

Saturday ...

Wanted to have cereal with milk for breakfast. Go to the fridge to get the milk and there is none! Why is it no one can tell me when we run out of something so I can make sure we have it right away? This really does irritate me! I even keep my grocery list right by the fridge. How hard is it to write MILK on the darn list? So, I ended up eating oatmeal instead. That was okay but I really wanted cereal. Some would argue oatmeal is cereal!

Tim and I decided to take some time for us and went to the movies this afternoon. We saw "Big Momma's House 2" with Martin Lawrence. If you saw and liked the first one, then you'll enjoy this one as well. We got a couple good laughs out of it and just enjoyed being out for a while. I did have a small popcorn but no butter and no salt, please. I felt it was a pretty good compromise.

And now, for lack of something fun I found this quiz at Blogthings and thought since I'm losing weight, it would be fun. Enjoy!

You Are a Caramel Crunch Donut

You're a complex creature, and you're guilty of complicating things for fun. You've been known to sit around pondering the meaning of life... Or at times, pondering the meaning of your doughnut. To frost or not to frost? To fill or not to fill? These are your eternal questions.

What Donut Are You?

Things Settle Down

Today was a better day. No tears. Ceci came to play with us today. She didn't want a nap but I sure did! Noticed she is now getting two more teeth in on the bottom. This is all so new to us and we're enjoying every moment of it. I will say it's great to be able to send her home at the end of the day, though!

Back on track with my eating today. Nothing I should not have had so that's good news. Stayed in my calorie range and quite happy with that. Also had my 16 glasses of water.

I resumed my workout with Richard this morning. After that as I cooled down I did some strength training exercises. I did 60 bicep curls, 30 laying ham curls, and 30 modified push-ups. I also am noticing that I can stand for longer periods of time today. I actually stood up while making breakfast and then to do the dishes to clean up the mess I made immediately after. When I thought to check the time, I'd been on my feet at the counters for 30 minutes! While that may not seem like a big deal to many of you, for me it is a HUGE accomplishment. I also noticed, and Tim commented on it as well today, that I am getting down on the floor and back up again much easier.

Unfortunately, the mystery mini-goal is still just beyond my grasp. I was hoping to unveil it this week, but unless a minor miracle happens in the next 48 hours, it's going to have to wait. Trust me when I say it's going to be worth waiting for. Hang in there with me and stay tuned for further developments on that one!

All in all, today was a very good day.

Rough Emotions

Ever have one of those days when the emotions seem to run high and close to the surface? That's the kind of day I've had today. I've been near tears all day long. No rhyme or reason, this happens to me every now and then. I've never really tracked to see if it coincides with the monthly monster, but that is now behind me this week. (I know, too much info for some, sorry about that.) I just know that it's been a really rough day.

Tim and I took the car for an oil change today. Asked the service writer about a grinding noise the front brakes make when we first start out in the mornings. She explained why it happens and that is perfectly normal on this model car. Go figure! I've never had that problem with any of the other umpteen cars we've owned over the years! Glad to know it wasn't something that was going to cost us that arm and leg to fix. I don't think Tim would appreciate me giving his away! :D

Was good when we went out to Chili's for lunch. Got a couple new games for my Gameboy Advance at Target. I'm proud to say I walked the whole time we were in Target. Mind you, we went in and headed straight to where the games were and back out again, but I did walk. Tim offered to get me a key for the electric carts but I told him I'd pass.

The evening called for comfort food. I fought it all day and gave in at dinner. Ended up eating a cheeseburger (not a greasy one but one at my cousin's restaurant made from high grade low fat ground beef) and some french fries. Also had about two tablespoons of chicken and noodles. I'm over it now but darn, it tasted good. IF it shows up on the scale this week, so be it. I've had a good month and will be back at it in the morning since I'm done eating for the evening.

Burst into tears on the drive home and don't know why. I think a few things have just overwhelmed me and they all built into this crescendo that felt like a wave crashing over my head and pulling me under. It's been better since I let myself have a good cry. Tomorrow's a new day and we have Ceci again. Woo hoo ... two days this week. After the other day this is how we ended up ...

Which Peanuts Character Am I?

Okay, I stole this from Valerie's blog. Some of these are fun to do and read so I figure what the heck! I'll be back later in the day to do an actual post, promise.


You are Sally!


Which Peanuts Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

This actually describes me pretty well, all things considered. So, which Peanuts character are you?

A more active day and a recipe

Today was a much more active day. With Ceci here, I managed to get almost 3,000 steps on my pedometer. That little gal keeps me hopping. She's toddling now with such a proud expression on her little face. She kept us in stitches today getting into this and that. She also has learned to turn the television off but isn't interested in turning it back on. That was a bit of a frustration for poor grandpa today!

After she went home, we went out for dinner. Tim was craving ice cream so after, we made a trip to the grocery store. I walked right past the electric carts at the entrance. This was in spite of the fact that I twisted my right knee getting out of the car at dinner and it hurt like the dickens! I walked from the entrance on one side of the store all the way across the store to the ice cream aisle. He ended up getting Edy's sugar free cookie dough so I had 1/2 cup for a late dessert. It was pretty good and I still was within my calorie range.

I did not do my workout with Richard this morning. I just couldn't make myself do it today. I did do another video I have that is pretty old (probably about 15 years). I had to stand up to do it, instead of sitting with Richard, and it was quite challenging for me even though it's pretty low impact. I managed to get through about ten minutes of the tape and felt quite proud of that!

Now ... I posted yesterday about Tangy Lemon Bars and a couple of you expressed interest in the recipe. It's from a diabetic cookbook and the bars look like this when done ...



That picture is actually two servings. They are small but so good!

Tangy Lemon Squares
(Makes 16 Servings)

3/4 cup flour
1/3 cup Splenda or Equal
1/8 tsp salt
6 tbsp cold stick butter or margarine (I used I Can't Believe it's Not Butter spread)
1 tsp grated lemon peel
1 tsp vanilla

Combine dry ingredients and then cut butter into mix until mixture resenbles coarse crumbs. Sprinkle with the lemon peel and vanilla. Mix with hands to form dough.

Press dough evenly on bottom and up 1/4 inch sides of 8 inch square baking pan. Bake in preheated oven at 350 F for 8-10 minutes. Cool.

2 eggs or 1/2 c egg beaters
3/4 cup Splenda or Equal
1/2 cup real lemon juice
4 tbsp butter, melted (again I used the ICBINB spread)
1 tbsp grated lemon peel

Beat eggs and splenda/equal. Add in lemon juice and melted butter. Mix well. Pour into baked pastry.

Bake until lemon filling is set, about 15 minutes. Cool and serve.

Nutrients per serving: 1 square
Calories 97
Total Fat 8 g (however probably lower using the ICBINB and egg beaters
Sodium 101 mg
Carbohydrates 5 g
Protein 2 g

On a dietary exchange diet this counts as 1/2 starch and 1 1/2 fat servings.

Enjoy!

Another Boring Day

Not much going on here again today. Did my workout with Richard Simmons this morning. That went okay. Still feeling it for a while afterwards. Had simple meals today. I also did two sets of 30 bicep curls with each arm.

I made a new dessert treat today. I'll post a picture of it tomorrow and if anyone wants the recipe let me know and I'll post it. It is Tangy Lemon Squares and if you like lemon, these are awesome. 97 calories, 8 g fat, 46 mg cholesterol, 101 mg sodium, 5 g carbohydrates, and 2 g protein. Quite yummy and the whole family loved them! I'll definitely make them again, but next time instead of eggs I'll use egg beaters to cut the calories a little more.

Tried a new salad dressing when we went out to dinner. It's made by Hellmann's and was fat free honey dijon. Only 60 calories in the packet which I thought was pretty reasonable. I enjoyed something other than lite ranch for a change.

So ... that's about it for today. Nothing earth shattering and no introspections to share. Life just continuing on. We get to have the baby tomorrow so maybe something interesting will happen!

Monday, Monday

Not much happened today. I got up and didn't want to work out. Nothing new there. Sat at the computer reading e-mails and avoiding the workout. Eventually conned myself into popping Richard into the VCR and off we went! I gave it my all and was glad I had when it was over.

Then back to more e-mail and reading blogs. Eventually Tim got up and we spent some time just doing nothing. Hey, it's what we do best! :D

Will go out to the post office in a little bit and then out to dinner. Don't know where we'll end up. Have a Nutri-Tiers group chat tonight. I have to make sure to record the television show "24" though. Been hooked on that one since it started and not going to miss even a few minutes of any of it this season. I really enjoy this show. How dare they put it back on Mondays at 8 PM central?

Anyway, as you have gathered, quite a boring post. No mini-goal met today but getting closer. Tune in again .... I'm getting there.

Week 51 is Over

My official start date on the NS foods was February 2, 2005. Counting weeks, unless I screwed it up, and anything is possible when it comes to me, I have just finished my 51st week on the program.

If you're a regular blog reader, you know I had a couple challenges this past week. There was the incident with Tim, in which I did not give into an urge to eat everything in the house and there was the 710 calorie milkshake! I also had two days that I was WAY over my calorie limit due to poor planning. When I say WAY over, I mean by about 500 calories.

Anyway ... most of you know I step on the scale every day. I've always felt it helps me to stay focused and on track. About mid-week, the scale was registering a darn good loss and I wanted to just report it. But that isn't how I do things. Then the scale went up and I was kicking myself for not taking that weigh in. Well, all good deeds do not go unpunished. I worked hard and am pleased to report a five pound loss this week. Yep, you read it correctly. In spite of the milkshake incident, I still managed to drop five more pounds!

This puts me at 409 pounds which is only 9.5 pounds from my goal of being under 400 pounds. I am about to depart the Quad Cities in less than five weeks time. I'm going to move into the Tri Cities and start on the long haul to get to Twoterville!

My loss is still in the healthy range of 2.37 pounds per week over the last 51 weeks. I've dropped a total of 121 pounds. My next official pictures will be taken when I get to 150 pounds gone. I can't wait to compare the pictures and see the change from start and from 100 pounds. My pants are becoming quite baggy and I'm starting to have to hike them up several times per day. My shirt size has gone down at least one from a 5x to a 4x and some 26/28 tops are even fitting me. I do have some pants in a 26/28 (thanks to my dear friend Billie at JerryJingles.com and her daughter Paige who lost 170 pounds recently ... well over time butyou all know what I mean) but haven't tried them on. I'm pretty sure they'll still be too small right now. I can pull some of my old 4x slacks and see how they fit. I have one or two pair I've held onto.

Met my pedometer goal this past week. The goal was to walk an average of 2000 steps per day. I met the average, though I didn't meet 2000 steps per day which was what I really was shooting for. Average steps over the course of the last seven days was 2,082 steps per day. Woo hoo! I'll take it!

On I go this week. Workouts with Richard will continue daily. I've gotten into a sort of schedule and it's working so on I go with that. I will say I'm still putting more effort into the movements and the last few days I still finish the day with some aches. They are good aches, though! I'll also continue with the few strength training exercises I'm doing. Come February, I'll try to change things up a bit so my body doesn't get too used to the same things. I just want to continue the loss going strong. I think I've finally found my groove. Fourteen pounds in the month of January are gone from my body and I still have one more weigh-in for the month. Cool!

Approaching my mysterious mini-goal (thanks for giving it a name, Paul) is exciting. It is also really making me think about the horror I've put my body through. I'm glad to have finally realized I couldn't live that way any longer and have taken positive steps to change it. Should hit that goal mid-week or early next week for sure, especially if things continue the way they have.

Then I have the 399 goal which is certain to be met early. Once there, I'll take a picture for my own sake because it will record being under 400 pounds since I don't know when. Then on to my next mini goal which will be 150 pounds gone. That one will put me at 380 pounds. Wow! The good news just keeps on coming.

Wishing a successful week for all my blog reading friends. You guys and gals help to keep me motivated and focused. Thanks for being here with me!

Hmmm ....

Guess I missed posting yesterday. Not that I remember posting, because I don't. On Sundays, it's easy to remember to post because of it being my weigh-in day. So I post early. The other days of the week, I generally try to wait until the end of the day to post.

So yesterday was a good day. We were supposed to get two inches of snow but none came and our temps are still on the mild side. Tim and I went to Wal-mart and I walked. We were also going to another big department store and Tim was worried I wouldn't be able to walk in both. Ah the man has no faith! We stepped into Wal-mart and I walked right on past the electric carts. We knew what we were there for and where it was. I strolled over and then back to the front of the store. I let Tim stand in the check out line and went to sit in the entryway on a bench to catch my breath. It felt so good to not get on one of those carts!

The second stop doesn't even have the electric carts available so that wasn't an option. I did sit down in the furniture area for a little while as Tim wandered the electronics.

I also worked out with Richard, did two sets of 30 bicep curls, 30 modified push-ups, and 30 lying ham curls. I feel I did a fair job with moving yesterday.

And that brings me to today ... Up very early (4:30 AM) with a back ache. Got up and 'watched' CMT and dozed for a couple hours. Then I went back to bed for an hour so was actually up a little later than normal. I was not going to do my Richard workout this morning. I really wasn't in the mood and had told myself it's Saturday, the last day of the week, and I deserve the break. Then I thought about what I did last night.

I've been craving ice cream for weeks now. Last night on the way home, I caved into the craving and had a hand-dipped vanilla milkshake from Hardee's. Drank it on the way home and then hopped online to see how many calories I had taken in. OMG! That darn craving cost me 710 calories! It put me over my daily limit the entire 710 calories. What was I thinking? On top of that when I realized how many fat grams were also in the milkshake, believe me, I won't be doing that again! It wasn't even all that good. :P

Lesson learned ... when I'm craving ice cream I'm better off just buying some low fat non sugar ice cream (Blue Bunny has great flavors) and eat it or make my own milkshake with it at home. I can control the portion size and the calories and fat. Expensive lesson, and one I hope won't kill me on the scale tomorrow. I was doing so darn well this week, too! ::sigh:: Ah well, stuff happens and I'm only human.

We have plans to go out today somewhere and do some walking. Don't know where yet, but it's going to happen. I think I may even make my pedometer challenge of at least 2000 steps every day this week averaged. We'll see in the morning!

I'm very close to two mini-goals. The first will be a surprise and should happen definitely by the end of next week. Watch here for more about that as it happens. The second is the goal of being under 400 pounds by March 1st. That is definitely going to happen. And it feels great to be approaching both of them. Soon, I'll have to post my 150 pounds gone pictures and that's going to be wonderful!

Woo hoo ... gotta keep going!

No word

There's been no word on the interview yesterday. I don't really expect one until at least the middle of next week. I will be sure to post about it as soon as I know more, I promise.

Today has been a good day. I really worked with Richard this morning. I mean to the point I'm stiff with a few aches I've not had before. I put more intensity into my stretching and more energy into the movements. Guess I kicked it up a notch! :P

Scale has been holding steady since Monday. I'm okay with that. If I keep that weight I'll be just fine. I would have liked to add to it, and there's still time to do that, but if I don't it's okay.

Did some grocery shopping this evening. Went to a different store because our oldest daughter convinced me it would save us money. It ended up costing us about $40 more than usual and we didn't buy anything we don't normally buy, really. Suffice it to say we won't be shopping there again! Live and learn.

Answers to the questions and the interview

Because so many asked questions in my comment area about what happened last night, today's post is answering the questions. Feel free to skip it if you aren't interested. I should be back to my regular posting tomorrow but instead of taking up lots of space in comments, that many probably don't read, I'm going to use today to answer the questions.

Tim does get SSI, yes. We had to fight three years with Social Security to get him declared disabled. Took all of five minutes in the courtroom with the judge and none of us really had to say a thing! Tim sitting there unable to focus or to take his own coat off, having uncontrolled tremors ... all spoke for themselves.

Definitely I am looking into the possibility of a home health nurse coming in a couple times per week should I get a job. Tim also volunteered to go have lunch with my cousin at his restaurant and sit around and shoot the breeze a couple times a week if my cousin would pick him up. I'm pretty sure my cousin would do that. I can also enlist the help of my brother and oldest daughter but both of them work and neither of them has much experience with Tim having these episodes. I'm working on several options. The biggest hurdle, getting Tim to agree he needs help, has been passed.

We typically check Tim's blood sugar 3-4 times per day. 1) before breakfast and he takes his morning insulin shot 2) before lunch and a booster of fast acting insulin if high 3) before dinner and evening insulin dose 4) before bedtime and another booster of fast acting insuin if needed.

Yesterday he ate breakfast (biscuit with gravy bowl including scrambled eggs) and took his morning shot. He got up about 10:30 AM and ate about 11 AM. When I made my lunch at 1 PM, I asked if he wanted me to make him something. He declined saying he still felt really full. I offered to check his blood sugar but he said he was going to lay down for a little bit and we'd check it when he got up.

Oldest daughter came to visit with baby. Tim never did eat and we forgot to check his blood sugar. Daughter left and Tim started to show signs of low blood sugar. And so the saga began. Lesson learned ... make him let me check it no matter what and make him eat.

I cannot really rely on him to check his own blood sugar. His tremors are so bad that he cannot put the strips into the meter. His doctor insists on this meter because he can download the info and make graphs and such. Bah! I also cannot rely on him to eat breakfast or lunch while I'm gone. I know this from past experience. Someone is going to have to come in and check on him if I go to work.

He wants me to work. Or he says he does. We literally have no money and live from one check to the next and Mandi supplements our income when we have a week every month that we might otherwise go without food. I don't think he would do this to keep me from going to work. He hates that he can't work to support us and knows something has to change.

Tim's diabetes is such that his body produces absolutely NO insulin. He has no choice but to take insulin shots. This is also going to be an issue as I won't be here to draw the shots. The insulin has to be gently shaken to mix before being administered. Right now, I do that and draw the insulin. I can pre-draw it and leave it in the syringe, but he's going to have to shake the needle long enough to mix it up. It's not recommended to pre-draw but can be done according to the manufacturer.

He was on all the different pills before going on insulin. He's been insulin dependent for about fifteen years now. No going back, especially with all the major complications he already has as well as the many other medications he takes. And so there you have it.

Now ... I went to the interview and put my best foot forward. It was for a position in a private school as a one-on-one aide. Since I have a degree in special education, this could be a good fit. I was interviewed by three people at the same time. It seemed they were pleased with my answers. It would be Mon-Fri 8-3 and on the local school calendar I would be off for holidays, snow days, etc. Possibility of being off all summer but have other options as they also have a residential program that many work in as well to supplement in the summer. Good benefits and nice starting pay for this area. So now we wait. They said I should hear from them within the next two weeks as they have an orientation class starting in early February. So I wait!

Thanks for the prayers and the feedback. The fear is wearing off but niggles in the event this could happen again. I can only thank the Lord that I was home and our daughter didn't come in and find her dad gone! On I go ...

A very emotional day

Got a call this morning that I was not expecting. I applied for a position as a teacher's aide about two months ago at a private children's home in a nearby city. From my understanding, the children placed there are hard to place children with many emotional problems. They operate on a regular school calendar.

This morning I had a call asking me to come in for an interview tomorrow. Tim and I have been really struggling with money lately. Poor Mandi has willingly kicked in quite a bit of money the last couple weeks to keep the household running. We are so thankful but feel like the worst parents in the world taking her money. This would be a good job and the hours and days would be good. I go for the interview tomorrow morning.

Now ... the rest of this may be jumbled as the evening was very upsetting. It also will probably contain some religious questioning, so if that offends any of you, you might want to stop reading right now.

Our oldest daughter came this afternoon and visited with the baby. We had a nice hour or so. After she left, Tim had a hard time getting up from a sitting position. I asked if he was okay and he assured me he was. He stumbled a bit, which isn't all that unusual for him, and laid down on the bed. I again asked if he was okay and he said he was.

As I left our bedroom (was putting away clean laundry) I hugged him and noticed he was clammy to touch. I made him get up so I could check his blood sugar and it was at 34. Now, anyone who monitors blood glucose levels can tell you this is not a good thing.

We don't keep much of anything with sugar in it in the house (big mistake and every time I correct it, we seem to end up back in this position again) and he said he was hungry so I fixed him a bowl of raisin bran. About half-way through he seemed to forget he was eating. I tried to talk him and he wasn't very responsive.

Mandi came home and had a bottle of sweet tea with her so she tried to get Tim to drink some of that. He just stared at the bottle and then went completely unresponsive. His eyes rolled back in his head and he was limp. I tried shaking him and talking to him but he would open his eyes, barely, and then they would roll back again. After a couple minutes I knew I was in big trouble. I called 911. Took about ten minutes for the ambulance to get here. The 911 dispatcher told me to make sure Tim didn't stop breathing. I know CPR but was praying the whole time I'd not have to use it.

They took his blood pressure and started an IV line. They then gave him a shot of glucose. Man, his blood sugar came up fast. Thankfully, I could see him slowly returning to us. This was the worst I've ever seen Tim and it quite frankly scared the hell out of me. I thought for sure he was going to die tonight.

So now I am between a rock and a hard place. Had I not been home, when Mandi came in tonight, she very well could have found Tim dead. He doesn't feel himself going into one of these attacks. They don't happen as often as they used to. That's why I quit my job two years ago. He was having these attacks every day for weeks on end and I would go to work only to get a call and have to rush home. I quit before they could fire me.

I have prayed and prayed about our situation. I've tried to find a job since April of last year and been unsuccessful for whatever reason. I kind of felt maybe the Lord was telling it wasn't time for me to go to work yet. Now, I set up this interview and Tim has this spell and I don't know what in the hell to do. I can't hold his hand all the time. But I also don't want to be at work, have him have a spell like this and possibly die. Is the Lord trying to tell me not to get a job? I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know where to turn. I just don't know.

So, I'll go to the interview tomorrow. I'll continue to pray and hope that the Lord hears me and tells me the right thing to do. Maybe they won't even want to hire the very large person I've become. Maybe I can't even do this job. But what if they do want to hire me? How do I go to work and wonder all day if Tim is okay? No, I don't have anyone who can just sit with him. Right now we can't afford to pay someone to do that and we live in a small rural community with few resources. We need the money but I want him to live. And again, I just don't know what to do.

I know none of you can tell me what to do. I'm not even expecting that at all. I just had to get it all out in hopes I can keep on going. Man, I don't ever want to go through another episode like this one today ever again! That was one close call!

Wow!

Wow!

That's about all I could say this morning when I stepped on the scale. Wow! I stepped off and on a couple times just in case. No, it was right the first time. It showed I was down three pounds from yesterday! How in the heck did that happen? I am amazed. I really am going to make it to my mini-goal. At this rate, I could even be there early! Wouldn't that be nice?

I hope to hold onto those three pounds and add to them but in the event I don't, it's okay. It was so motivating to just see that number ... 411 ... Wow! Only one pound from 120 gone. Only five pounds from having dropped my youngest daughter. And only 11.5 pounds from that all-important mini-goal of 399.

Wow!

Week 50 is behind me

I have finished fifty weeks following the Nutrisystem program. In that fifty weeks, I have shed 116 total pounds as of today. Yes, I had another good loss this week. As a matter of fact, I met Mr. Wonderful's suggestion (in my comment section a few days ago about getting to goal this year) head on and dropped another 4.5 pounds. Now I know I won't be able to continue at this rate, and I don't think it would be healthy to lose at that rate or the skin problem I'm so concerned about will be even worse, but I'm happy to have a couple good weeks to kick off the new year! This means I'm losing an average of 2.32 pounds per week and that's a great thing!

Looking ahead to my March 1 goal of weighing less than 400 pounds, I do believe I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I have six weigh-ins between now and the first of March with 14.5 pounds to get rid of to meet my goal, putting me at 399.5 which is under 400. I need to drop about 2.5 lbs per week (actually 2.41 for you math minded people) to meet that mini-goal. As I've said since the first of the year, I'm going for it!

Stick around and stop by at least weekly to see if I make my goal. Every day I creep a little bit closer. I believe I'll make it. The odds are for it. Now I just have to keep working at it.

On a side note, I've been counting calories for a while now and for the last couple weeks my calories have been a bit higher than they had been. I was actually pretty freaked out about it last week and then dropped 4.5 pounds. I didn't try to recreate that loss this week, but just continued to eat as I had been and again another 4.5 pounds is gone. You may be wondering how many calories I'm consuming. It's an average of right around 2000 calories per day. I'm thinking 1500-1800 calories were not enough for my body right now. My metabolism is waking up. And the working out with the dreaded Richard every day is likely helping as well. I will continue on, aiming for 1800 calories per day but not freaking out if I go a bit over.

Still not doing so well with the pedometer challenge but I remember my friend Paul reminding me that I'm working on other things right now. I'm not going to get too caught up in the steps right now but will certainly continue to try increasing them daily. I just found out a friend of mine is reading books and poetry that can be downloaded to my computer in MP3 format for free. I'm thinking this may very well be something I can then copy to a CD and listen to in my disc player when I can walk outside again. Someday I'll have an MP3 player and will be able to download them to there. Less bulky, holds more content. I'm looking forward to walking if I can listen to a favorite book, or even a classic I've not read before, while I walk. For any who are interested, this is a free service that anyone can contribute to if you have the time and materials needed. You can find the library here ... Librivox .

Pretty boring day here

Today was pretty much uneventful here. I popped in and out of the Nutri-Tiers, a Yahoo! e-mail support group I help moderate, to make sure any posts were approved as the other moderator is away today. Not a lot of action there, but I'm pretty sure it will pick up again tomorrow. Sundays are pretty busy because many of us seem to have Sunday as our weigh-in day.

I did quite a bit of work on Cecilia's baby blanket. My daughter wanted to know if it will be done for her first birthday next month. I laughed and told her not to count on it! I am back at work on it now. Had stopped for a while because I couldn't see. Now that I have my new bifocals I see just fine once again. Yea!

Introspection is a good thing. I'm really coming to learn a lot about me in the last week or so. While it was a difficult week, it was also a good week. I did not do my workout with Richard this morning. I just couldn't motivate. I will definitely be back at it in the morning, though.

Weigh-in tomorrow morning and looking pretty darn good. I hope to add half (at least) to this morning's weigh-in, but if I don't, if I can hold onto what it said this morning, I'll be very happy.

The Journey Back ... One Year Later

(This is a long one, folks! I was recently asked about a comment I made about starting to like myself again. This blog post is pretty much my response to that question. I wanted to post it here, that others might share. I've already had some in another place say they saw themselves for the first time in my words and know that they can start to like themselves as well. I hope it touches you and helps to keep you encouraged and motivated.)

In January 2005, I realized I really didn't like myself anymore. I mean it. I hated the person I had become. Somewhere along the way I lost track of who I was. I no longer recognized myself anymore. I was fat and miserable. I was unhappy and crabby all the time. I was bitter and had nothing nice to say about anything or anyone. I was angry with myself and with the entire world. I felt deep resentment toward my family because all of my life I had put them before me. I took care of their every want and need and would push my own aside. I was so far down on me that I literally felt like I had fallen down a deep dark well and the walls were closing in little by little, with the dirt trickling down on top of me, covering me, and eventually suffocating me.

A very dear cyber friend had been telling me for at least two years that I needed to put myself first and start taking care of me or I was going to be of no use to my family. With a daughter still in high school and a husband disabled by diabetes and complications of diabetes coupled with Parkinson's disease, I couldn't do what I really wanted which was to just disappear. I also had a granddaughter on the way into this world that I wanted desperately to see.

I realized that I had to put me first so the first part of my way back began. I said "NO MORE". No more would I put others needs before my own. No more would I allow others to make decisions for me. No more would I think of myself as a total loser with no hope of ever being anything but a big blob of human flesh existing day to day. NO MORE! I was very angry and I fed off of that anger. I laid it all out to my husband and then to my daughters. Somehow, some way I was going to regain control over me.

I realized all of the negative feelings were all tied into being the fat person I had grown to be. Lord, I don't know how in the world I got to be 530 pounds. (Oh, I know I just keep shoveling the food in to cram down the feelings, but when did I lose control of who I was?) I feel like I woke up one morning and was just this angry fat person who lived in misery. It was obvious to me that I had to do something about my weight. And so my journey began.

I had heard of Nutrisystem and knew they had an online program. I joined and hung out on the Bulletin Board for several weeks, reading profiles and the success of others. I cam across the profile of Rob (ProudUncle-in-GR). He started his journey near where I thought I was and was doing wonderfully well on the program. So I placed my first order, not knowing how we were going to pay for it. Boy was my hubby mad! For two months, we managed. After that, I made the decision to proceed with the NS program but using my own foods. I had lost 40 pounds by then. I wasn't certain I could do the program solo, but I had to try. I'd come too far to turn back so I vowed to keep on and see what I could do.

When I started out I told myself if I could get 50 pounds off, I'd be okay. That came and went. I figured okay now go for 100. On November 7, 2005 only ten short months later, I had lost 100 pounds! With the help of Nutrisystem, my very supportive husband and daughter, friends I made in a couple of e-mail support groups and in a forum known as JerryJingles, I felt like I was finally succeeding. And every day, I grew stronger and more proud of the person I was becoming. That pride continues as I continue on my journey.

Even after getting rid of 100 pounds, I still feel like a fat blob. I feel unattractive and useless. There is so much I still can't do but I don't focus on that so much anymore. I take pride in knowing all the things I'm doing now that I wasn't one year ago and looking forward to doing even more things a year from now. The really important thing is I no longer hate myself. I'm starting to like myself again. I am taking care of myself again and know deep down in my soul that I will regain total control over my eating and with that, the rest is going to fall into place.

I had to stop the negative self-talk. We all do it. We say "I hope this is the last time I ever have to diet". Well darn it all, why not say "This is the last time I'm going to have to focus on losing weight. This time I am going to make it. I am going to be successful and I am going to keep it off when I get there." It's all about how we talk to ourselves.

I read in a book once (Nutrisystem Nourish) that we treat total strangers with more kindness than we afford ourselves. We ARE our own worst enemies. We have to learn to treat others with compassion. We need to look at ourselves with what was termed as 'soft eyes'. "Soft eyes are loving, accepting, and encouraging. They are open with love, and reflect an open, loving heart."

Say kind things to yourself. Don't put yourself down anymore. See yourself with soft eyes and I am here to tell you it will make a difference. Prioritize and make time for you and you will find you have more time for others.

I have a long way to go before I feel I'll love me again. But, as with weight loss, I'm taking it one step at a time. Some days are harder to get through than others. Some days I slip back into my negative mode and forget to look at the world with soft eyes. I judge, I criticize, I expect the worst. People will fullfill what we believe. It's like the expression "Tell someone they're stupid long enough, they'll believe it and become stupid." Well, tell yourself every day positive things and see if it doesn't make a difference in your life.

I'm fat. I know that. But I also know I'm putting me first now and I'm working on the fat. As the pounds come off, layers of other things are peeling off with it. Someone said, in another place I read, that they feel so emotional, ripped open in a sense. Well yeah! We are getting rid of what has been a shield, a protector for most of our lives. We're getting rid of the fat. We have to deal with the emotions and feelings to remain successful when we get to goal.

I know I'm going to get there. I know it as surely as I know my name and address. And knowing that, I like myself a little more because I am taking back my life. I'm taking it back one meal, one step, one day at a time. Everyone else can, too!

Drama and more drama

Sometimes I wonder why having children was so doggone important to me. I mean really, they are a lot of work and exhausting, even when they're old to take care of themselves. Wonder if my mom felt like this with all of us as we were growing up? The answer is most assuredly that she did but she was gracious enough to never ever complain about it. I just remember this very strong woman, always there with a shoulder to cry on, words of wisdom to soothe, loving arms to hug, and gentle hands to dry the tears. Gosh, I miss her!

Anyway ... didn't get to post yesterday. Actually, yesterday was kind of blown from the get-go. First Mandi didn't want to go to school. Back before the boyfriend moved in, if she wanted to take a day off I had no problem with it. She makes good grades and always makes up the work, so it wasn't an issue. But with the boyfriend living here, if she stays home so does he. In hindsight, I may as well have let them both stay home.

Just about the time I was getting ready to exercise with Richard, the phone rang. It was the boyfriend (T.0.). He wanted to know if he could come home. I asked why and he said he'd tell me when he got home. Okay. ::sigh:: Home he comes, walks thru the door, and bursts into tears saying he's messed everything up. Evidentally, he and Mandi had a fight. He wrote a letter to another girl kind of complaining about Mandi and she found out about it and broke up with him at school. GREAT! He packed up some things and said he would be at his grandmother's.

I debated and knew that Mandi was likely at school in tears, slamming things around and having a really bad day. So I call school, tell them I need Mandi at home for an emergency, and go pick her up. (She had ridden to school with TO) I pick her up and we go to breakfast because she doesn't want to talk in front of her dad. She doesn't know what she wants to do. We call TO and he joins us. They talk, I mediate and toss out a few "what do you think", "how would you feel", and "what do you want" type questions. Breakfast is over and I go home, leaving them to work things through.

It eventually ended up okay. The went to work and today she's wearing the sweetheart ring he got her for Christmas/birthday so I guess they're okay. But boy, can I just say I didn't need the drama. I kind of let it ruin my day. Who am I kidding? I didn't kind of let it ruin my day. I did let it keep me from exercising. I stuck to my food program and got all my water but I did not move the body yesterday.

Things were back to normal today ... with the kids and with my workout. Been a pretty good day, actually. I think tomorrow I'm going to post a bit about life in general and the last year tied in with my journey back to me. Just a teaser to get you to check back in tomorrow! :D

Exhausted

I don't know why, but I feel exhausted today. I went to bed about 11 pm and was up about 6:30 this morning. That is pretty much my usual schedule. The baby arrived about 9:30 and didn't go home until 5. She was pretty good today but she is a lot of work!

Having her seriously cuts into my computer time. Used to be I could get online while she was taking naps. She's not an infant anymore and her nap lasts about 30 minutes. Today was no exception. She was into the cabinets. She was really into chasing poor Fancy Pants around and even grabbed her by the tail and yanked at one point. As you can imagine, Fancy was not amused!

I have some e-mail to read and hope to get in bed shortly. I do know if I go to bed too early then I wake up about 4:30 and my body thinks it's time to get up no matter what I want!

I want to say thanks to all of those who popped in and left comments regarding my cathartic experience yesterday. Those of you who visited and said nothing, thanks for taking the time to check in with me. I know it wasn't like my usual post but sometimes we just have to put things out there and yesterday was one of those days.

I did my workout with Richard this morning. I also did my strength training ... back extensions, bicep curls, and modified push-ups. No extra aches or pains from that tonight but we'll see tomorrow. I was reading today that it's good to change up exercise every 4-6 weeks, especially with strength training, so you work different muscle groups. I'll be checking into that so in February I can make a change.

Life goes on and on I go with it!

Taking Back My Power

This day started out as a day shot all to hell. I was upset. I was angry. I was questioning why. Why do I continue to put myself out there for others when I end up being hurt over and over again. I went to Tim in tears this morning and simply asked him, "Will I ever learn?" He didn't miss a beat. His reply, "No!". He had no clue what I was referring to but he knows me so well after 21 years. And he's right. I will never learn because I keep thinking I can save the world. You know what? I think I'm finally getting it. I can't save the world. And I can't help those who don't really want my help.

I will say I'm tired. I'm so very tired of putting myself out there, going out of my way to help someone and then having them basically smack me in the back of the head when I'm not looking. I'm tired of having others twist and misinterpret what I say and then try to put it all back on me. I'm tired of thinking someone is my friend to find out that they have no respect for me as a person.

I was really upset this morning. I was upset to the point that I was sick to my stomach. I couldn't make myself get up to work out with Richard. I wanted to eat. Yes, I'll say it. I wanted to eat and keep on eating and not stop. (I did eventually make myself work out. And I did not succumb to the eating monster that was dwelling inside me. I ate on program and did not waver ending my day well within my calorie limit for the day.)

And then I had an e-mail from a dear friend. It was supportive, encouraging, and uplifting. It made me realize that I give other people too much power over me. I am really the only one who can let someone get to me. I'm the only one who can allow what other think or say to affect how I go about my day. I am the one who is in control of my emotions. ME! What a wake-up call I've had.

So, I'm taking my power back. No more will I allow others to have the power to upset me. I will continue on my journey, surrounded by good friends and know that I am loved. I am a valued person to many. I am supported, encouraged, and uplifted over and over on a daily basis. And I'm helping others. I am supportive, encouraging, motivational, and inspirational. I know that I don't have all the answers, all the time, but when I don't I try find out the right answers. And I also work hard to clarify and say that something is my opinion when I don't have the facts to back up what I'm saying. Gee, I have a LOT of opinions! Don't we all? ;-) And you know what else? It's okay if you don't agree with me. It's even okay if you don't like me. But I am not giving anyone the power to make me feel bad anymore. The power is now back in my hands and I AM in control!

Weigh In Sunday

I have completed 49 weeks on the Nutrisystem program. I've had so many people come and show their support for me here in this blog. I've had many leave thoughts, ideas, encouragements, rear-end kicks, smiles, laughs, and hugs. I dedicate this entry to those who have stuck by me.

After a couple of rough weeks I am pleased to report that all of my hard work has paid off. Figuring out the ratios for carbs, fats, and proteins; working out with that guy Richard who gets on my last nerve; tracking my pedometer steps; doing some strength training; and watching the sodium intake this week as well increasing my water consumption to twenty glasses of water per day has paid off on the scale.

A week ago Sunday I weighed in with a gain at 423 pounds and was a little miffed at myself. I've only gained weight twice during this journey and I realize that's a good thing, but I never wanted to gain weight during this process at all. That isn't how it's supposed to work!

So I step on the scale this morning and find that I am now down to 418.5 pounds. That means I dropped 4.5 pounds this last week. I woke Tim up with my whoop! Poor fella ... believe me he needs his beauty rest! :D Anyway, I got rid of the 1.5 pounds I had gained last week and added another three. I honestly can't complain about that!

I wish success for each of you this week. There are times that we just want to say to heck with it and give up. There are times we don't think we can go on choosing to eat the healthy stuff over the fat laden stuff. There are times we don't want to drink even one more sip of water. There are times we don't want to walk or do any kind of moving. And then there are times when nothing can stop us! I think I've entered one of those times of nothing stopping me. Onward, I soar with my wings stretched out, embracing life and all that it has to offer me. You can soar, too.

I'm Anchored and Moving On

I recieved my Nutri-Tiers anchor wristband today. Thanks once more to Janet for thinking of the idea; to Valerie for finding a supplier; and to Paul for the gift of my first anchor. I love the deep purple color and everytime I look down and see it there I am reminded of all my Nutri-Tier friends walking this journey with me. How fitting that when I get to goal we're going to plan to meet in Arizona. I've never been to Arizona and am looking forward to the trip and all that Michelle puts together for us to do. I only wish it wasn't going to take me so long to get to my goal.

Today was a good day. I went to lunch with my oldest daughter, her boyfriend, and the baby. Gosh but that baby is a cutie pie! They wanted to go to a local pizzaria. I had a big salad with chicken on top. It was very yummy. I ate a breadstick but won't do that again. Their breadsticks are 230 calories for each one. Oh my goodness! Good thing the salad was pretty low cal! We had a great visit and just enjoyed spending time with them all.

Went to Wal-Mart and wandered around a bit. Did some price comparison and may be going grocery shopping there for a few weeks to see how it goes. So much more variety, though the grocery store we usually go to is pretty big locally. The only problem I see is the money I could save on my usual stuff will likely go to buy something I wouldn't normally buy. Such a vicious cycle.

Out to dinner where I had fish. I'm not especially fond of fish, but get the yearn for some every now and then. Also had a small tossed salad and some cottage cheese. It was very good and I avoided the french fries on Tim's plate.

Now I'm feeling a little achy. I worked out with that wonderfully motivated Richard again today. Six days in a row is a record for me! I also did my strength training exercises I mentioned the other day. Feeling it through my shoulders right now.

Weigh in comes tomorrow. We'll see how it goes, but I know I'm going to be reporting a loss. Woo hoo ... I'm spreading my wings so I can glide for just a little bit.

Feeling better already

I made a small adjustment to my food plan and it seems to have helped. I added an extra protein to breakfast and lunch, for now. In another week or so, I'll drop the extra one at lunch and see what happens. I want to give my body time to adjust. I also think that I'm fine with the calorie range that puts me in and if the scale is any indication (which I think you'll agree it is) I'll be reporting a loss on Sunday morning so it's all good.

I want to thank everyone for all the comments and suggestions. I knew if I put it out there, you would all step up and tell me what you thought, not necessarily what I wanted to hear, but what you thought. That's what friends are for!

I worked out with Richard this morning. I would have thought it would be getting a little easier by now, but my arms started to burn at the same point as they have since I started working out with him again. I guess I really should be happy about that! It shows I'm actually working the muscles and doing some good. The burn isn't anything I haven't been able to push through, either.

I didn't do my strength training exercises today but will back at them in the morning. I wanted to give my muscles a little break since I had the aching back most of the day yesterday. It seems to have been a good choice but I'm not going to give up on those.

I've been 100% since the 2nd of January. I have a small group of challengers in my Nutri-Tiers group doing the challenge with me. I really should do a post checking in to see how they're all doing. From the sound of things, in the various blogs, they're all doing just fine. I'm also participating in another challenge in a women's group where we are Marching into March. For that one my goal is to get to 399 by the first of March. No big surprise there! That's been my next mini-goal since I hit the 100 pounds gone mark.

So on I go. Again, thanks for all the great support you guys provide. I can't tell you enough how much it means to me to come to my blog and find comments waiting for me. It is especially great when I'm having a bad day. I know that people care about me and that makes me feel good and more determined than ever to keep going.

I do have one other thing that's going to push me along and that's a trip to AZ when I reach goal to meet my dear friend and avid supporter Michelle and the rest of the Nutri-Tiers in person. I'm going to work very hard to hit my goal in 2007 guys, but I hope you won't be too disappointed if it doesn't happen until early 2008. Know that I'm working on it and meeting you all and spending time getting to know you in person means the world to me.

I also have at least two other trips in the works when I hit goal. My good friend Consuelo and I have a date to hit Disney in Orlando and ride every ride! I'm very excited about this one because Consuelo has been there for me since the beginning.

The other trip I have planned is one to meet a good friend named Billie who is also doing NS. She doesn't read here, or at least I'm pretty sure she doesn't, but she has done a lot in the last couple months to motivate and encourage me. She's inspired me and I got her walking. She lives in FL in a senior community. She doesn't walk well without holding onto something but told herself if I could do it, so could she. She now walks baby "Rockhead" regularly and is doing wonderfully with it. Baby "Rockhead" is actually a large rock she has a face on that she puts in a stroller and walks with. Clever gal, she is and I can't wait to meet her one day!

I really enjoy my NS friends. So many of you are like family to me now. I've known you guys no longer than eleven months, yet I feel I've known some of you a lot longer than that. You are without a doubt what keeps me going every day. Thanks again for being here and showing me you care by commenting.

Exercise

I'm proud to say I moved with Richard again this morning. That's four days in a row and I'm very proud of myself. I didn't feel like doing it this morning, but have committed to moving and so I did it anyway. I will say if it warms up again, which they are saying may happen near the beginning of next week, I may take a day off and walk instead. I'd really like to do an every other day with Richard and walking. We'll see if the weather will cooperate.

I also did some strength training exercises. I did two sets with fifteen reps in each set of the following exercises. I did bicep curls. I did not use any weights right now (not that I have any to use but understand I can use soup cans when the time comes to add weights). I did modified push-ups. Modified in that I did not get up on my knees. I just used my shoulders and arms to lift my upper body as if I were doing a push up. No way could I do that on my knees right now but my day is coming. And I did this exercise called back extensions. These are basically like a curl but done lying on your stomach. You lock your hands behind your head and lift your upper body off of the floor holding for a count of two before slowly lowering yourself back down. Okay, it's a lot like the push-ups I did but the push ups utilized my arms and shoulders.

I kind of have what I fondly call "the heebie jeebies" in my back across my shoulders and upper back. It is that tired creepy crawling feeling one gets sometimes. I get them most often in my legs (diagnosed as restless leg syndrome) but tonight they are in my back big time. I just added the push-ups today and the bicep curls. I'm guessing it's the push-ups that have caused this. No problem. I'm not going to stop doing them. I'll rest the muscles tomorrow and be back at it again on Saturday. Those I will do every other day!

So, there you have. My pitiful attempts at exercise. I know that the more weight I shed, the better it will get so please don't think I'm down on myself. I'm not. I'm doing more now than I was doing one year ago and even one month ago.

Onward I go praying the scale is going to show a drop of at least three pounds this week so I can to 420 and then start on the next ten pounds. I really want to make my goal of 399 by March 1st. I can do this!

More skin issues & hunger update

I watched Dr. Phil today. He had a lady on his show who has lost 162 pounds in three years. She was on his show because she has a major issue with the skin that was left behind. She went so far as to say she is so unhappy she wishes she'd never lost that much weight and has considered gaining some back in order to fill out some. I found that really sad. She hasn't let her husband see her naked. She feels like her skin is like pizza dough hanging on her, all mushy.

I think she made an excellent point, though. She said so many programs show those who've lost a lot of weight and only show the happiness of having the weight gone. They really don't address the negative side of losing weight. Folks, we cannot kid ourselves. There are negative side effects of losing weight. Loose skin is only one of them. I know for me there are going to be other issues that crop up. And one day I'm going to write my story so others will have the whole story. And you all can sit back and say "I knew her when ..." and I'll inspire a few people and make a buck or two.

I will say that I am worried about the skin. But I also plan to lose the weight anyway. I'd much rather have the skin issue than continue to lug around 300+ pounds that I just don't need! I can wear a body shaper (girdle). I can wear nylons. I can wear clothes. As long as I look good in my clothes, I'm going to be okay. One issue at a time and one step at a time ... let's get to goal and then I'll worry about this!

Update on the hunger... I now have an idea of a ratio for carbs/fat/protein. I know that I'm not eating enough protein. I am going to monitor and likely add some extra protein next week. I want to do a baseline to make sure where I am on this before I start changing anything. I do know that I watched the carbs today and wasn't as hungry so maybe that is the answer. Make sure I get more protein calories than carbs and I should be okay.

Oprah, Loose Skin, and Hunger

I watched Oprah today. I don't normally watch her show anymore but had heard a commercial earlier about her guest today. She had Stacey Halprin on. She had once weighed 550 pounds and has lost 301 pounds. I wanted to know how she did it and what she looks like now.

Turns out she had gastric by-pass surgery. She claims each month her loss is less due to the surgery and more to do with her own efforts but I was lost on that point. I thought once you had the surgery your stomach was very small and unless you ate in huge quantities again it would stay that way. She lost all 301 pounds over the course of one year. Wow!

I really wanted to see what her body size is today and how she handled the skin problem. She looked darn good. She's had ten surgeries, though, with more to come. Oh wow! That got me to thinking about my own skin and what will be left when I get to my goal. I have to say it is the one part of losing weight that scares the hell out of me! How much skin will I have left hanging? What in the world will I do with no job and no insurance to get the skin removed? I could make myself crazy with it all, but I won't.

My daughter is such a dear girl, though. We went to dinner at the family restaurant where she works and I was telling her about it. She gave me a huge hug and said, "Momma, you are losing weight slowly and your skin is going to shrink back some. You are not going to have to deal with as much skin as she did because you're losing the weight slowly." I love that little gal! I know in my heart, she's right but I'm still scared about it all. (By the way I had a nice big bowl of iceberg lettuce topped by a tomato, 3 slices red onion, 1/4 cup shredded cheese, and 4 ounces ground beef seasoned with taco seasoning. Added a dab of sour cream and a little French dressing and it was yummy. Best news is my total calories for the day has ended up being 1700 calories which I can live with.)

I guess I'll focus on getting the weight off and worry about the skin later on. One day at a time and one major issue at a time.

Another issue occurred to me while watching her. She weighs about 250 right now and she looks pretty darn good. It got me to thinking about my goal of 195 and whether or not it's realistic. I picked that number because it's under 200 pounds and I honestly can't remember the last time I weighed less than 200 pounds. When I get to 250 I'll see how I look and feel. I may adjust my goal weight to any number between 195 and 250. I'd love to say I'm going all the way to 195 and that's that. But I really want to be realistic and I don't want to look like the walking dead. Sometimes people take losing weight too far. I don't want to do that. I want to look good, have lots of energy, and feel like a normal human. Another thing I'm going to have to wait and see on, I suppose.

I've also come up against another dilemma that I posted about in my e-mail support group. For the last two days I've been exercising with Richard for about 25 minutes. According to a calorie counter, based upon my weight, I'm burning about 475 calories for that activity. I'm eating about 1700 calories per day. But boy am I hungry! I keep telling myself I'm not and I keep drinking extra water, but the fact of the matter is, I do feel hungry! Anyone who hasn't posted in my e-mail group, if you have ideas, comments, suggestions, please do share them. I'm not typically hungry so I'm thinking the exercise and the hunger have to be tied together somehow. Of course there's always the chance that the hunger is tied to something emotional. What do you think?

Kind of a long day

I don't know why, but today seems like it has been a long day. Maybe because it's staying daylight longer. I just noticed that today. It was nice. Maybe I'm still trying to catch up from New Year's Eve. I don't know. I just feel kind of tired and drug out.

Didn't do much today. Had the baby for a couple hours this afternoon. She is really starting to walk around things more and I think within the next month or so she'll be walking without holding onto anything.

I did my workout with Richard this morning. Gosh but he wouldn't let me quit. He just kept that darn smile on his face and encouraged me to do as much as I could do. By the time we finished my arms were hurting. Woo boy! I'll be back at it again tomorrow morning.

I also did a strenth training exercise I found on another website. It was pretty simple and more like stretching really. I just wanted to see if I could do it and since I was already down on the floor I figured I may as well go for it! It wasn't too bad, actually.

Hope everyone had a good day. Many were back at work today. I know the kids here were back in school today. Only five more months and they'll be out and I won't have to worry about it anymore. Mandi says she's going to the local community college but she hasn't done anything to be ready ... apply to the school, apply for financial aid, etc. We'll see, I guess.

Happy New Year

Today begins week number 49 for me. Just three more weeks and I'll have been at this for a total of 52 weeks. Wow! I can't believe that I started a program and stuck with it this long. It's a credit to many of you reading here that I am still going at it.

Went to a New Year's Eve party last night. It wasn't really planned but we had a great time. I ran into my cousin yesterday afternoon and he had two tickets for this party. A local band was playing and some of our friends were going so Tim and I agreed to go. Glad we did!

The music was GREAT! The band joked back and forth and it was a relaxing evening. Tim and I even danced some slow dances! We haven't ever celebrated a New Year's Eve out anywhere in the 20 years we've been married. This was a real treat! When the band quit at 1:30 AM, several others decided they wanted to go out for breakfast. Tim and I went along. There were eleven of us altogether. That was fun as well. We got home about 3:30 this morning and I realized that I'm really getting too old for this party all night long stuff!

I slept in until about 9 and then started my day. Weigh in was disappointing. I'm starting the new year 1.5 pounds heavier than I ended it. That was a bummer. I've been 100% today and will finish my twelve glasses of water shortly. I feel like I'm hungry but I know it's just my emotions and I'm not going to cave to them. Times like these are the most difficult of my journey.

I'm going to continue on and try to make my goal of weighing less than 400 by March 1st but I honestly don't think it's possible now. Maybe by April Fool's Day I can get there. All I can do is give it my best and see what happens.

Hope your new year got off to a great start. I'm really looking forward to all that 2006 has to offer!