What I've Learned in the Last Ten Days

Over the last ten days, I have learned quite a bit about myself. My daughter, Mandi, has told me for a very long time, years in fact, that I'm stronger than I think I am. I usually scoffed and down-played it. I've finally come to realize that I AM stronger than I thought.

I learned that I can be alone, on my own, for several days and be just fine. Don't get me wrong. I need human contact. I missed my girls. I missed my grandchildren. I missed my sister. I missed my friend Aaron. I missed getting hugs from all of them. Their hugs transmit unconditional love, caring, and peace. What I did not miss was the drama that comes with being with other people.

I learned that after losing all the weight I have lost, I still suffer from a huge eating disorder. I eat breakfast every day. It's usually a very healthy breakfast. Mid-day I get hungry and eat but prefer something quick and easy. If I have the money, I'd rather eat fast food for lunch. I do not eat French fries much anymore. I don't eat much fried food at all. But I could make healthier food choices. I really do not care about eating dinner. I enjoy a couple slices of low fat cheese, a grilled cheese sandwich, scrambled eggs and toast, pizza rolls, or a cheap frozen pizza. I eat because it's time for dinner and going from lunch to breakfast would be way too long for my body to be without fuel. That's probably my most rational thought about food.

I realized the issue I have where junk food is concerned. I posted about that earlier. What I didn't want to believe is how very little self control I have regarding resolving that issue. I know it's a problem. It's just not a problem I want to confront yet. In due time, maybe.

I've learned I need to step back from a few people in my life and stop trying to be in control of them. Stop acting like I need to know everything going on. They are grown adults. If I need to know something, they will tell me. And you know what? Sometimes it's just better for me not to know some things. I didn't realize I was so controlling, but I am. I always called it caring and helping but maybe people just don't need or want my help sometimes.

I have also realized that I have had positive impacts on people's lives that I never knew. I try to do the right thing. I've had a few private moments lately when others have shared what impact I've had on their life. In the same token, they have touched mine. It really is true that you don't know if just a nod or smile will make someone's day. Just a touch, showing concern or care, can totally change a life. I'm thankful to the many who have touched mine. And I'm thankful for the opportunity to touch others, THAT is my calling.

I've learned that I can build a life without Tim. There are a lot of people who love me and care about me and are here for me. I just have to accept what they offer. I am comfortable with who I am. I just need "tweaking" LOL I'm no longer afraid of life without Tim. It's been nine months and I'm still here. Yes, I've had problems. I had them before he died too. My bills got way behind, I was working minimally, I was isolating myself, and refusing to accept that I was the one who had the problem.

Slowly, I am making my way back. Times will be hard. I'm certain more tears will fall. I know my feelings of guilt will never go completely away. I know I will fall down but I WILL get back up ... Again, and again, and again. I can do this. I will do this. I am not alone. I have several angels in Heaven watching over me. I have family and friends here on earth to love and support me.

The most important lesson I have learned is that I am indeed a blessed woman. I am so very thankful for what I have. I am going forward with my life. God is not done with me here, yet!

I've Developed a Problem

Or perhaps it's always been here. I realized a few months ago that I have become a junk food hoarder. I buy stuff, sometimes that I don't even like, just so I have it. I don't always eat it. Sometimes I do, but a lot of the time I give or even throw it away. I don't know why I do this. I don't remember doing it when Tim was alive. Oh, I'd buy myself junk food now and then but it was things I would eat and would usually be gone the same day.

For instance, today while I was out, I bought a box oh Hostess Ding Dongs. I don't even like them but I felt compelled to buy them. I ate one when I got back and thought I don't like them, and though I didn't really want it, I ate it anyway. What is wrong with me?

I currently have a box of hot tamales (I will suck on during my drive home), a box of cow tales, a box of Reese's pieces, a bag of soft pepper mints, three packs of soft peppermint sticks (one of each I will eat, the other two are for my sister), a cup of nutter butter cookies (I don't even like those, either), a bag of bite size snickers, a bag of bite size milky way, and some extreme sour patch kids tummies. I stockpiled this in the last couple days. I just feel like I NEED to have it. I do the same thing at home. My bedroom is like a candy store. And I will buy and eat an entire family size bag of chips every day if I can. I've started to limit myself to the smaller bags, and I've cut down the frequency, but I just feel like I have to have something ALL the time. I've tried hard candies and suckers. They don't work for me.

So ... I have this problem. My weight has pretty much been steady for the last three years within five pounds. Thankfully, that is holding steady. I just don't get this obsession with food. When I'm not eating, I'm thinking about food. I'm sure a lot of this is tied to an eating disorder. I just have to figure out what to do about it. Thoughts or ideas are appreciated.

Thankful

Today I am thankful for the sunshine and warmth here in Mississippi. Motown and I took a nice walk in the park. I let him run and chase birds while I watched him from the bench. It felt so good to sit in the sun. I know it contains vital nutrients and I soaked them up today!

Later I went out for lunch. It was not a pleasant experience. I went to McAllister's and they were very crowded. I ordered a half salad and a half baked potato. The salad was mixed greens which is not my favorite. I prefer iceberg lettuce, mainly because it's what I grew up with. I like the flavor of it as well. The baked potato had steak, cheese, and caramelized onions on it. The onions were overpowering. Add the crowd to that. I was very uncomfortable taking up a table for four with a line literally out the door. Some people were forced to eat outside on the patio. Thankfully, it was a beautiful day. Then two families came in and sat down next to me. One table had all adults. The other table had six children. Every child has a Nook or iPad. They were loud and irritating. Oh well ...

I then went to Wal Mart and picked up a couple movies in the cheap bin. Funny, hey came with digital codes so I can watch them on my iPad. That should be fun.

Back to the house and just spent the afternoon relaxing. Had a phone call and just chilled. It was a very good day. Let's hope the rest of the week goes the same. I don't know, though. Rain is in the forecast for a couple days.

Difficult Day

For whatever reason, today has been a very difficult day. I took the dog for his walk. I went to the Dollar Tree for a cookie sheet. See, I looked everywhere in the kitchen, EXCEPT the oven, for a pan to cook pizza rolls on. I could have just sent a text asking but figured I'd get out and explore Corinth a little bit. Traffic was crazy. WalMart was packed so I opted to go only to the dollar store. I stopped for gas and drove around downtown a little bit. Checked out all the eating establishments and came back. I'm allowing myself one meal out per day just because I can and I've been unable to eat out for months now. LOL

So I come back and have been watching/listening to Law & Order: Criminal Intent. I was fine, reading, Facebooking, playing games and it hit me, like it does, out of nowhere. I started to cry and before I knew it, I couldn't stop. It happens. A wave of sadness comes over me and I start to cry. After a few minutes, I started to text my daughter, Crys, and thankfully she was available to carry on a conversation. After a while I was able to stop crying and felt better. I'm still feeling sad, but it's manageable. I'll be glad to get home and refill the anxiety med. if this happens too frequently, I'll just go to a pharmacy here to get a refill. Not sure how out of state Medicaid will affect the cost. I pay $2 for scripts in Illinois. Seeing as how this is a narcotic I'm pretty sure if they don't take my insurance I can't afford it so that's why I'm waiting to see if I can make it until I go home Saturday next week.

It also helped that I got a phone call from a friend I had not talked to for a few days. He's like a son to me and calls every few days to check in. He was against me coming down here, and honestly had very valid reasons why, but I came anyway. The loneliness and lack of immediate support were two of his concerns. I assured him I'd be okay and I am. I'm going to have bad days. I have to get through them to get to the good days, to heal completely. I get that now.

So, I'm in my jammies, still watching the Criminal Intent marathon. Motown (the dog I'm keeping company) is once again curled up on the couch, sleeping. He pretty much ignored my crying fit. Probably scared him, poor baby. He only ate dinner again tonight, but he ate it all. Every time he goes out, he looks for mom's car. I keep telling him she's coming back. He's gonna be one happy dog Friday!

The Hardest Part

I'm finding that the most difficult part of being on my own is having no physical contact with other people. I'm a hugger. I have told my kids I feel deep in my soul that I need hugs just to survive. Funny, the book on loss that I'm reading gives a rule of thumb for recovery and physical contact. I know when I was a teenager there were studies done about children in orphanages who got no physical contact and how they did not thrive. So I know that there is something to all the craving I have for physical contact. The rule of thumb is as follows. A person needs three hugs per day for survival. Five hugs per day are necessary for maintenance. Eight hugs or more are needed for growth. I think as long as I live near my girls and my grandchildren, I will be okay on my own. But I do need my hugs. My little Brody man usually fills the bill for survival. He hugs me all of the time when I'm there. Any other hugs just boost me up. I'm really missing him tonight. The weather has been kind of ugly here today. It started out gloomy and then started raining about mid-day. Gloom and rain does nothing for my mood and attitude. I'm pretty sure I have seasonal affective disorder though it's never been officially diagnosed. I need my hugs and I need sunshine!

It's a Test

This trip is a little test for myself. I really want to get a place of my own. There are several problems with this. First, I don't really like to be by myself, at least not for long stretches of time. Second, working as a substitute means my income is not steady so it will be difficult to find someone who will rent to me. Third, I broke the lease when Tim died because I knew I could no longer afford to live there. They did not rent the apartment again until our lease was up so that means they continued to charge me rent even though I didn't live there. Had I known that, I should have stayed and let them evict me! ANYWAY ... This trip is a baby step to see how I manage being by myself. Don't get me wrong, I still have contact with my girls, my friends, etc. but I am having to rely on myself for entertainment. We'll see how it goes. On another side of the note, I do feel a little lonely. Motown has abandoned me and gone to bed. LOL I'm watching/listening to the tv, posting here, chatting with my cousin, and trying to read. I'm having a hard time focusing. I've had to cut back on my anxiety medicine because it was too early for a refill and I don't have enough to get me through until I get back home. It's a narcotic, so the pharmacist could not even give me a few to get me by. All of that means I'm only taking it once a day instead of twice until I return. I think I'm experiencing the results. Gotta suck it up and push through, though. I don't want to be on meds forever. So ... There is a beautiful full moon tonight. Made me think of Tim. That made me sad. He loved the moon. I never see the moon without thinking of him. I wish he was here right now. I know he watches over me but I wish he was here instead. Even sick, he "had me". I just miss him so much.

First Trip All By Myself

Yesterday I drove from my sister's in illinois to Corinth, Mississippi by myself. It is approximately a seven hour drive. I like driving so it was no big deal. I stopped three times. Once for gas and twice to stretch and potty. The trip seemed to pass quickly. The sun was shining and I could feel the temperatures rising as I drove south. I forgot that even though you can have the radio on, it doesn't completely stop your thoughts. I was reminded of the last trip Tim and I took before he passed. We went to Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg, Tennessee. We stopped to see friends in Corinth (where I am staying this week) and then visited his aunt and uncle in Dyersburg. I realized yesterday that Tim probably knew that would be his last trip. He really pushed for us to go though we really couldn't afford it and he was insistence we stop to see his family though it was out of the way on the drive home. I'm thankful we made that last trip. We didn't do anything spectacular. We just spent time together. We walked the shops in Gatlinburg. We rode the tram car up to the top of the mountain. We held hands, talked, and just relaxed. We so needed that time together. He did his dialysis treatments while we were there without complaint. He was tired after but not as wiped as he was at home. I think he actually felt good during that trip. I'm so thankful I was able to do that with him. So I thought of that trip on my drive down yesterday. I thought about him watching over me, worrying about me arriving safely as there were weather watches and warnings along the way. Tim was a worrier. I'm sure he made certain I arrived safely. I'm a little sad today. Motown is snoozing. Sherry has gone to work. She leaves this afternoon and it will be just MoMo and me. I'm not doing much, just watching tv and reading. Later, I will find the park and take Motown for a walk. Hoping to take him twice a day while I'm here. Build up a walking routine and stamina so I can walk in the evenings when I go back home. Exercise is good for me!

Feelings

I've learned a lot about myself these past nine months. I've got many regrets for things I thought, said, and did. I'm not beating myself up for any of it. I just have regrets. I realize Tim was a very physically sick man. He was also very depressed. I'm trying to work through and accept that I did the best I could. I've done some reading about loss and am finding what I feel is normal. I realize normal is relative and nothing is actually normal, but it's nice to know I'm not going crazy. The night I sobbed for three hours, clinging to Mandi, feeling like I just wanted to die ... That is normal. I was not losing my mind. It was part of my body's natural healing process. According to my readings, recovery comes in three stages that overlap. First there is shock, denial, and numbness. This is followed by fear, anger, and depression. Lastly comes understanding, acceptance, and moving on. Each stage is natural and necessary. I have been through the first two stages, back and forth between them. I'm still there. I have days that I just feel numb. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to leave my room. I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm learning that's okay. I am fearful. I know I should not be. I am spiritual enough to know that fear is not of Him. But I am afraid I will never afford a place of my own again. I'm stuck. It isn't bad, living with my sister, I just want my own place with my own things. I have days when my emotions are so out of whack I don't want to be around me! I am letting myself feel .... Grief, anger, failure, exhaustion, beat down, relieved, overwhelmed, guilty, hopeless, and feeling like life is just not worth living. I'm okay. I will not hurt myself, though taking a handful of pills crossed my mind a time or two.in feeling, I am healing. It's a slow process and will not be rushed. I feel like a burden to my girls, to my sister. They have been taking care of me. I'm at an age I should be able to take care of myself and I just can't. I'm trying though. I've been to the doctor. I am taking anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, and sleep aids for now. It is not permanent. I am going to start attending a grief support group in a couple weeks. I will be okay. And now, I need a break. Time to relax and just feel. It's been a long busy day.

What's Normal?

For those who may not know, my husband Tim passed away on May 17, 2013. He had been disabled for about ten years. The last two years were really difficult. I lost my job as a Program Director in a group with pregnant and parenting teen girls who also had a diagnosis of mental illness ranging from post traumatic stress disorder to schizophrenia to clinical depression etc. I loved that job and losing it made life difficult for us. We moved back to central Illinois and stayed with my sister Jackie and her family from February to May. We were thankful to have a place to go but felt like we were putting her and her family out. We slept on an air mattress in the living room. We had very little money coming in and Tim was without health insurance for a bit. As a diabetic with related issues he was on multiple medications that were expensive. Eventually we found an income based apartment and moved. I took a couple college classes to get my teaching certificate reinstated. I started substitute teaching and later worked a year as a classroom teacher aide. Fast forward to January of 2012. On the way to a doctor appointment for Tim, he fell and broke his hip. It was at this time he was diagnosed with end stage renal disease. His kidneys were barely functioning. He had to get a port put in and while recovering from hip repair he started dialysis treatments. It was the beginning of the end for him. He hated dialysis. I realize no one likes it but there were times he would refuse to go. As time went on, he got weaker. They increased the length of his treatments. He was going three times a week, four hours at a time. It consumed our lives. I would drop him off at 5:30 AM and he took a bus home. He was getting weaker and weaker. I got angrier and angrier. If only ... Was in my head a lot. He could have prevented this. He could have extended his life. He could have ... Was also a common thought. I wanted him to have peace. I wanted to rest. I wanted it to go away. I wanted him to go away. He was cranky. He was angry. He was depressed. He was hell to live with. He was not abusive but life was so hard. On a Monday before I went to work, he complained that he did not feel well. I offered to stay home but he insisted I go to work. I checked on him at lunchtime and he was no better but told me to finish my day. When I got home he seemed weak. We had an appointment and I wanted to cancel it but he refused. So we went. Walking in we had to stop multiple times for him to catch his breath. Then he started to sweat profusely. By the end of the meeting he could barely stand up. I got the car and took him to the emergency room. Once there, his blood pressure was very high and his oxygen saturation was very low. Got him on a gurney, the doctor came in and Tim coded. He stopped breathing and his heart stopped. They revived hi and sent him to another hospital when he was stable. He was on a ventilator and kept sedated so he would leave the tubes alone. By Wednesday, I requested they remove the ventilator and refused further dialysis treatments. Tim did not want to live on machines. He woke up and was confused. They moved him to the hospice floor and advised me his lungs were filling with fluid and he would not leave the hospital. Thursday, Tim had a fabulous day! Everyone in the family came to visit him. He laughed and cracked jokes. He was ornery. He ate whatever he wanted. He slept a lot. That evening, I sent everyone home, stretched out on the couch and just watched him. The nurse was in and out all night. She gave Tim his morphine shots to keep him comfortable. We talked briefly throughout the night. He was so serious telling me he was sorry and that he wanted me to have a new car before he died. He wanted me to be settled in a home, not an apartment before he died. He realized these things were not going to happen. I assured him none of it mattered. I assured him over and over that I'd be okay. One of our last conversations he said, "Make your car payment and insurance. You're going to need your car. Everyone else can go to hell." He made me laugh He started to pass a little after 5:00 AM on Friday morning. He stopped breathing several times and his heart stopped a couple times. I sat there, holding his hand, telling him I was okay and he could go. At one point, he looked around the room as if he really could see and smiled such a peaceful smile. I asked him if the angels were there. By now, he was non-verbal but he looked at me and grunted. I told him to go on with the angels. I told him to go with his mom and dad, go with my mom, go with our dear friend Teresa who passed away a couple years before. Still he hung on. By now I had Christian music playing softly on my iPad, was holding his hand, crying silent tears, and rubbing his forehead. It was not until my sister Jackie walked in shortly after 8:00 AM that he finally ley go. She walked in and I was a mess. I told her he just wouldn't go. She took his hand and he opened his eyes. She told him I wasn't alone anymore so he could go now. She assured him she was there with me and would take care of me. He sighed, took two breaths and died. I have to be honest and say I was wrong. I wasn't ready for him to go. I'm not okay. I'm doing the best I can do but I'm not doing it very well. Right now my life is a total mess. This has been pretty emotional. I'm going to stop here for now. I will pick up the tale tomorrow. It is my goal, once the background is laid, to try to work through the grief here, in a place I feel safe. If you feel the need to leave harsh comments or criticize, please feel free to not return. I say this because I have had some very hurtful things said to me by well meaning people. Doesn't hurt any less. This is part of my own therapy in making my way back to some kind of a normal life without my husband. As much as he irritated me, I loved him. He was my life for 28 years. And so the story will I fold.

Update on Life

For those who may have been trying to read here, I am resuming posting but the focus is changing from my weight loss journey, which is not complete, to my working through the grief of losing my husband last May. This initial post is to touch base. I will get back to posting more regularly.