Holding my own

Made the trip south to where we used to live yesterday. Every time I start to get the lymph edema under control, I spend six hours in the darn car! I tell you, it's a miracle that leg ever seems smaller at this point. It really has me frustrated and as soon as I have regular health insurance (hopefully August 1st) I'm going to a doctor here who should be able to get me to a specialist. There has to be someone in the Chicagoland area who treats this dreaded thing!

Took Tim to the doctor first. He tripped over a steel rod last Saturday and made a scrape on his left shin. I had been watching it, putting Neosporin on it, and it looked pretty bad. With the diabetes complications, I figured he better see his doctor. He now is on an antibiotic and should see some improvement.

My doctor office was quite busy. I managed to get a script for two of my meds and was sent to the local hospital for a blood draw to check my thyroid. Pretty sure I'll be getting a call in the next day or so about that one.

I feel better today. Who knows? Maybe it was the day off; maybe it was just having the blood drawn and the feedback that my thryorid is likely what's causing the tiredness. I'm glad to feel better today, though.

Mandi and her Tim have indeed been looking for jobs. Every day they leave and are gone for a good part of the day putting in applications. Just to be sure, my Tim has been going out with them in the afternoon after I go to work. *laughing* At least we know they're putting in applications then!

Things are a bit cramped and those kids fight about the dumbest stuff. Little things set them off and they get to the point that her Tim is going back south! Sheesh! They act like they're three instead of 18 and 19. One day at a time ...

Not feeling well

Well, it's been another rough week, basically because I just don't feel well. I've been really tired bordering on exhaustion. It's not work. But ... I'm not sleeping well. I spend a lot of my time crabby and just not very pleasant to spend time with. I feel sorry for Tim (and Mandi and her Tim) as it has been a difficult week.

Tomorrow I'm going to go to the doctor to have blood drawn and have my thyroid checked again. I'm pretty sure it's a part of the problem. When I know, I'll report back to let my faithful readers know.

I'll try to pop back in before the weekend!

A fresh start

Today I am basically starting over. I'm back to tracking everything that goes into my mouth and nothing will pass these lips that isn't on my healthy eating Sparkpeople plan. I know it works. I just have regain the focus I let slip and get back with it. That said, this is my fresh start and I intend to stick with it.

I'll be driving down to get Mandi today. She's going to stay with us a little while (and her boyfriend too ... I swear Tim and I have lost our minds!). They both want to get jobs and then get a place of their own. They better move their butts as Tim is giving them 60 days. As it is, it could create problems for us with the rental office if they discover four people are living in this little (750 sq ft) apartment. Hopefully, all will go well and they will soon have a place of their own.

I'll report back about how my day has gone eating-wise near the end of the day. I've already started on the water and have about 32 ounces gone now. I've been drinking more diet soda than I used to and will be changing that as well. One a day worked before and it will work again. We are essentially settled and I've got to stop allowing myself the little things.

Deep breath .... this is it. The momentum is about to be picked up and the pounds will begin to fall once again. Not much opportunity to increase exercise today since a lot of it will be spent in the car, but tomorrow I will be back at it. I found the DVD player and Leslie is coming out of the box to walk with me. Also have the fitness ball ready to use once again too.

Here's to the gift of fresh starts ... Cheers!

Update Week 73

If you checked the stats on the left, you already know that the scale did not move for me this week. It was a stressful week at work and I think I let a few things get to me. I also slacked a bit on my eating and had ice cream at Culvers twice. That's got to stop and I have to knuckle down and get with it! Enough of this already.

I guess I'm not going to make my mini-goal of 180 by July 1st. I'm okay with that, though, because I have managed to lose ten pounds this month already. That's a pretty good average for the month so on I will go. I just have to stop my stinking thinking right now that a little bit of something won't hurt. Obviously, it isn't helping so it has to be hurting me.

For those who check for updates daily, I'm working on getting back to that. Sometimes I feel that this started as a weight loss diary (of sorts) and has turned into my life journal. I imagine sometimes readers really don't want to hear about some of the work stuff. I post it because I'm asked about it quite a bit and it is a big part of my struggle right now. It's also a big motivator as I'm a bit tired of being called "fat ass" already. It doesn't really hurt my feelings, I just wish they'd be more creative!

That said, for those who read all the time, I didn't go to that mall yesterday. We had one girl who acted up before we were five miles away so turned around and I stayed back with her. Oh boy, what fun we had. She refused to get out of the van, tried to kick out the windows of the van, wanted to pour baby lotion over the windshield of the car of the staff who said she couldn't go, screamed at me, played music full blast, played inappropriate music with swearing, was on the telephone without permission for over an hour, and was a holy terror in general. I didn't try to intervene as this girl has been in jail (not juvenile detention but real jail) and is a rough one. She wouldn't hesitate to put her hands on me and try to hurt me if I touched her or tried to take the phone away. I'm no dummy. It wasn't worth getting hurt over. She'll have no privileges today and it's her own doing. I'm just glad I'm off today and tomorrow. Maybe by then she'll have cooled off some.

Now, back to tracking everything I eat. I stopped in May and it has caught up with me big time. I also have to get back to planned exercise. I have my pedometer in my purse and will be getting the battery for it today so I can also start tracking my steps again. This is it, back on track and moving forward.

Calgon Take Me Away

Yesterday was by far the most challenging one I've had at work, but I lived to tell about it. Suffice it to say that four young ladies going intensive (throwing things ... including the television ... throwing things at staff, threatening staff, threatening another girl we had to put behind two locked door to keep safe ... and they managed to break through the first one ... and a call to the local police department because we could not get them to calm down) was not my idea of a good time. I was frustrated and felt so darn inadequate last night. I had six staff working with me and nothing we did worked. The program manager had to come back (arriving after the local police department swarmed us ... I think I counted eight police officers) and she wasn't happy. Well, I wasn't exactly happy either! It was almost enough to make me hand her my keys and say I wasn't coming back.

But today is yet another day. Appropriate consequences were applied, a shopping trip to a major outlet mall was cancelled for this weekend, and the girls are being held accountable. No one went to jail last night but two of my young ladies were in severe danger of that happening. One did have to be taken to the floor by the police and was handcuffed. It was pretty much a nightmare for me. It was traumatizing for the other girls to have to see this all happen. I don't envy the therapist and her job today in sorting all of this out.

"Calgon ... take me away!"

On a positive note, we went downstate to visit the girls on my days off and had a great time. We went to lunch with both girls and the granddaughter on Monday and then we went to the park to play with Ceci for a bit. She is growing like a weed, literally. I can't believe how tall she got in just a month! She is babbling all the time and her favorite phrase right now is "ought oh". Too cute! Here are a couple pictures we took on Monday at the park.

Week 72 Wrap-up

The last week has been a rough one work-wise, but a great one for losing weight. I dropped five pounds this past week which means only two more pounds to go and I'll be back where I was when I started working in May. I'm so happy to be on my way back and continuing on down. It's exciting because I'm also approaching my next mini-goal and milestone of losing 150 pounds. Woo hoo!

Work has been rough. I got called in early yesterday because one of our morning staff called off. I got there at ten and we left immediately with four girls in the van. Had to pick up two from work and then head into Chicago to drop two off on weekend home pass. The drive into the city went smoothly but the drive back, oh my! It was approaching rush hour (two in the afternoon) when we started back. It was bumper to bumper and stop and go on the expressways. It was three when we got back! It was a long hot day in a van that doesn't have the most comfortable seats. I did the driving, which I didn't mind and DID NOT need a damn step stool to get into. Woo hoo for me!!! I climbed right on up in there and was just fine. It was also hot as heck and though we had the air on, the girls insisted on keeping the windows open. UGH! They had the most loud and thumping music playing. By the time we got back, I had a major headache and was sick to my stomach. Thankfully, the manager agreed that I could leave when the girls left with our evening staff (four girls with three staff) to go to the Neville Brothers outdoor concert. I'm glad I didn't have to go.

But ... I called later to check in and the girls were awful! They were throwing "Skittles" at each other and other people. Then in the van on the way home, one girl was throwing stuff at the driver. When they got home, she was advised that was a real safety issue and she was losing all privileges for today. She went off and tossed two huge sofas about, causing damage to one of the walls. Dang but these girls don't know how to express themselves without being violent or swearing! The others more than likely lost most of their privileges and if I have any say in the matter, they aren't going anywhere tonight, though they are supposed to go to an outdoor festival. If they can't behave in public, I don't want to take them anywhere. Then again, you have to ask, if we don't take them out and teach them how to behave, how are they to learn? It's a no win situation sometimes!

Anyway, I have to work this evening. I'll be finishing up the pay period with just over 100 hours. I'll leave a little early tonight if I can. The girls have to be doing well and the home stable for me to leave early so cross your fingers for me!

A great week

Though I've been putting in a lot of hours this week because of training, it's been a pretty great week. The weight is coming off and I'm almost back where I started the month of May. That has me really excited and motivated to keep on going.

Found out yesterday that the person who was supposed to start on Friday resigned after the in-home observation. Dang, she didn't even give us a chance. Funny thing is, the night she observed was one of the best nights our kids had that week. She went to a graduation party in the home next door and observed a supervised a visit on campus between one of our girls and her boyfriend. I wasn't given a reason, just that she won't be starting after all. *sigh* Happens in this field all too often but I'd rather she quit now than to quit after we've gotten comfortable in a schedule.

One of "my girls" commented on my weight loss night. She asked if I was still losing weight. I told her I am and she said it looked like 'everything has dropped'. At first, I wasn't sure I knew what she was talking about but after talking a bit more I can to realize she meant I look smaller. It made me smile and feel really good. She's also a bit on the heavy side and wanted to know what I'm doing. I told her I'm basically eating healthy food, drinking water, and walking more. She said 'yeah, you're taking the stairs more instead of the elevator too'. She's right! Again, I felt really good about it.

If I can hold onto it and maybe even add to it, this is going to be a GREAT week in the weight loss column. I'm really focusing and doing what I need to do in spite of a problem or two I'm struggling with. It's all going to work out in the end.

I'm making headway

Today I had that training class at work. It wasn't bad. Actually, it was kind of interesting and fun and the presenter made sure to include us so we didn't get too bored.

The headway came when the training was over and I had to pop into the home to clock out. One of the girls who gives me a hard time said to me "It's about time you got here!". It made me smile because it means she missed me and was letting me know without actually saying it. I hated having to tell her I was only there to clock out but would be back tomorrow evening. Finally, the girls are starting to accept me and it feels good.

Progress Week 71

I managed to shed three more pounds this week putting me at a total loss of 135 pounds in 71 weeks. This is an average loss of 1.9 pounds per week. I'm slightly under the suggested average loss, but that's okay. I'm going to get back to a solid two pounds a week average shortly.

I'm using the stairs more and more at work. Sometimes I climb them like a normal person. Other times I use the toddler of method of one foot up then the other with both feet on one step before I continue. I figure it doesn't really matter how I climb them. What matters is that I climb them and not use the darn elevator! I'm also walking at least three times a week to the admin building and back which isn't just a little stroll so I'm getting a fair amount of exercise. I need to dig out my dvd player, though, and hook it up so I can go back to walking with my girl Leslie and using my fitness ball. I know it will make a difference.

Problems with Blogger

I've had many problems with Blogger this past week. For a few days, I couldn't read comments. I also had difficulty posting. Here is the post meant to be posted on June 10 ...

Though it was a long day at work yesterday (left the house at 8:30 AM and didn't get home until 11:15 PM) it was a pretty good day. Training went well and I managed to stop by and take Tim to lunch on the way back from training to work. The training was in Chicago so I had to drive right past our apartment to get back. This was approved by my manager ahead of time. I was going to leave a bit early, but just as I was getting ready to leave, one of the girls went intensive (throwing things, swearing, shouting, threatening staff) so I stayed until she had calmed down and gone to bed. The littlest things will send these girls off and though she knew she didn't deserve to have privileges today, it was a bitter pill to swallow when she found out she was not going to get to go on activity again today.

The girls are finally calling me by my name. I'm no longer "that new lady" or "hey what's your name again". That is progress. I think it's also going to be easier because we have a new employee starting Friday. I'll no longer be the new kid. Sucks for her because she'll be getting the testing her limits crap, but great for me!

Tim's been doing really well with checking his blood sugar, taking his insulin, and eating. He plans his meals before I leave him so I know he's eating the right foods. So far, he's doing pretty well and the numbers are showing it.

My scale is still showing a loss from last week this morning. Now the trick is to hold onto it until morning so it will be official. I'm happy to be back to losing weight and not maintaining it. I knew it was going to work out. I think some of it may have to do with taking the stairs more often at work. I went down and up at least five times yesterday. I was so proud of me. I didn't use the elevator even once, though I could have! I'm sure that some muscle is bound to build as I use the stairs more and more. I can't wait for the day I can climb them and not feel short of breath. It's getting easier, but that will definitely be a day for celebrating.

Happy Anniversary to Us

Today is the 21 year anniversary of Tim and I getting married. It is a union that has seen some ups and many downs, but we've hung steady and we're quite proud of that! Won't be doing anything special today as I have to be at work at noon and won't get home til about 11:30 PM tonight. It sucks and I'm not happy about it but don't have a choice.

I was also advised yesterday that tomorrow I have to go to the Windy City for a training class. It starts at 10:00 AM and goes to 2:30 PM and then I'm supposed to drive to work and work my regular shift 2:30-10:30 PM. And I don't get paid anything extra for it! That is getting really irritating.

Checked online a bit ago and the good news is my check was automatically deposited. Yea! The bad news is there was no holiday pay on that check. I know I'm salaried, however, I'd think holiday pay is holiday pay and I would get it. I will check with my supervisor later this afternoon and then will go to the Program Director if I don't understand what she says. I realize I missed a day last week, but when one is salaried, I was under the impression one isn't penalized for a missed day. Also, I believe I still worked a full work week, and I know I worked my scheduled day before and after the holiday. This is really starting to piss me off! I spend much of my day lately frustrated, angry, and near tears because of it all. Poor Tim!

Next week is going to suck, too. I have to go to training 12:30-5:30 Monday. Yes, that's one of my scheduled days off. Welcome to being a salaried employee. I also have training Tuesday and Wednesday at the same time and then have to go to the home to work my regular shift. Can anyone else see why I'm upset about this. I figured it out and even if I manage to leave at 10 PM each day (in an attempt to comp myself a bit for the time I'm putting in) I'll still be giving them 9.5 hours FREE! What the hell is that?! I don't mind a couple hours a pay period for meetings but this is really getting out of hand.

And let me just say, money doesn't stretch very far. Most of my check, deposited this morning, is gone already. I feel like I never see Tim, I'm always working, I'm doing hours and hours for free, and now there's no money. Someone please encourage me that this is going to get better. I know it will but right now my optimism is failing me.

Sorry for the rant. I'll ask questions and see what can be worked out. Doesn't help that we're short staff and no hope of new hires because who the hell wants this job? Obviously, I did. And ... there is reorganization going one. They passed out packets about voluntary resignation yesterday. Does this mean this job is doomed? Are they closing? I know they are closing a major program in September. I don't know the impact or how it's going to affect me yet, but I'm betting it will. Man, I just want to crawl back into the hole and forget everything, if only for a little while.

Yeah, happy anniversary to me! *sarcasm inserted here*

Finally

Last night was a very good night at work. No one had to be restrained, so all was good in my little work world. I did get told to 'shut the f*** up', mind my own business, and shut up talking to me. Woo hoo!

On the weight loss front, things are clicking right along. I'm pretty sure I'll be reporting a loss again this week. I'm also pretty sure I'll be back where I was when May started very soon. I'd love to be there by the end of June. We'll see what happens.

This post is pretty short, but I don't have much else to report. Hope everyone is having a good week.

What a horrid evening

As you know, I complained about having to work yesterday on my day off. The girls had been so good all day, I just knew when I got there it wouldn't last. I tried my best to be optimistic but it was not to be.

We are so short staffed. The ratio is supposed to be 1 staff for every three girls. We had seven youths and three staff but one had to be gone all evening picking up two girls from home passes. That left two staff (including me) with seven girls so we were already out of ratio.

Two boys from the other end of campus decided to act like fools and one of our girls who is a follower got sucked in. That left one staff outside tracking her happy little butt and me all on my own with six girls. They ran me ragged. I was up and down the stairs at least ten times last night. There are 20 stairs so you can imagine how tired I was by the end of the night. I also had to walk clear across campus to find out what was going on at one point so I could report back to the Program Director of the campus. Let me assure you this was no walk in the park!

I was supposed to get off at 10:00 PM but the overnight staff didn't show up until almost 10:30 so I ended up not getting out of there until 10:45 by the time they were made aware of everything. It was a horrid day, but I lived. Lord knows I got my excercise, though! Whew!

Weigh In for Week 70

I did my weigh in this morning and am happy to report that I am officially below the 400 pound mark. I was at 400.5 last week but this morning I weighed in at 398 which means a 2.5 pound loss this past week. I'll take it!

I did not get written up (or that verbal consultation) for calling in sick the other day. When I was a manager there before, it didn't matter how long you'd been there, if you called off, you got a verbal warning, following by a written consultation on the next occurrence, etc. There was no leeway given. My manager feels family MUST always come FIRST and said she will work with me on this. She's also a diabetic so it helps that she has a personal understanding of it. With the holiday pay, I still managed to clock 82.75 hours this past week so it's okay.

I have to go in tonight. The one staff asked said it's the only time she gets to be with her family. She didn't work last night and could very well have worked tonight but oh well. I'll go in. It's not a full shift, just five hours. I can do that. I will have tomorrow night off and it will have to do. I just hope this doesn't become a weekly occurrence because it really isn't fair! That's my whine for the day.

Update

Tim's blood sugars are running more where they were. They still aren't as good as they could be, but they are below 200. Yes, having them run high is dangerous and can cause a lot of damage to his internal organs. He's learned that the hard way. He's doing what he can to take care of him. He knows I have to work or we can't stay here. He likes it here. I'm working on various options to ensure he is okay while I'm at work. Some of them take time, contacting various organizations, evaluations, etc. It's all going to be fine. I just needed to vent.

I work tonight and was told last night I'm probably going to have to put in five hours tomorrow evening (which is supposed to be my day off). One of our staff didn't let the manager know that she has class this weekend and it really screwed up the schedule. Others have been pulled from this shift to work that shift and it's causing real problems for many. Last night at work was challenging because we didn't have enough staff to do what we generally do on a Friday night. Eventually the girls handled it; they didn't have much choice! The worst part about my working on my day off is I don't get paid for it. I'm salaried and they will get every minute free out of me that they can because of it. What in the heck was I thinking?! *smiling* Oh well, guess I owe them a few hours anyway from the other day when I didn't go in and one day I left early.

Still eating okay. Could be better but I'm getting there. Weight is still under 400 this morning so that will be a loss for the week. Yea! I'll do the official weigh-in tomorrow and post the actual numbers.

Stress and Worry

Gosh, stress causes worry and worries cause stress. Some days I just don't know how much more of either I can take.

Tim is very sick, again. His blood sugars are way out of control. I didn't work yesterday. Something told me not to. Checked his blood sugar in the morning and it was 453. Later on, it was almost 600. Neither is a good number as any diabetic will tell you. It's dangerously high. Generally, when it gets this high, he ends up in the hospital for about a week. Yeah, like I need that stress and worry right now. We're three hours from his doctor, out of network for his insurance (but hospital charges would be covered except the deductible), and I have no one here who can help out with keeping an eye on him ... helping him check his blood sugar, draw his shot, make sure he eats. My biggest nightmare has come true! Somehow, I knew if I when back to work, he'd get sick. He claims he would be sick anyway, but I don't think so. For almost two years I've managed to keep him out of the hospital.

The numbers are so high because he hasn't been very diligent about what he eats. He hasn't been checking his blood sugars or taking his insulin. And I can't do it all for him.

Anyway, I'm tired of being stressed. I'm tired of worrying. I'm just tired, I guess. I'm scared, I'm alone, I'm stressed, I'm tired. I'm so tired of being tired.

Back to work today. I pray he'll be okay while I'm gone. He has the numbers to reach me if he isn't. My supervisor said yesterday when I called off that 'family comes first' but I know today I'll get the official 'verbal consultation' on missing work which gets put in writing that I was given a consultation. It's all so damn pointless and unnecessary, but I know it's coming. I'll be shocked if it doesn't. That said, if I have to miss more work, I have to. Tim is all I have right now and I'm not going to jeopardize his health for the sake of a job. So we'll see how it goes.