Frustrated

Frustration has set in. I am so tired of losing 3-5 pounds and then bouncing up and down forever. The Meridia did help me to drop 12 pounds and get below 400 pounds. Since then I've been bouncing up and down 395-399. I guess I should be happy I'm remaining below 400 but I'm not really. I'm so tired!

Went to the dietician and she wants me to increase my carbohydrates. What? I'm not a low-carb freak, but I do some limiting of carbs. She claims that I don't get enough carbs to level out my blood glucose levels which keeps my metabolism from working at it's ultimate level. Whatever! I followed her advice for a week and it's gotten me absolutely no where!

She also wants me to increase my fiber. I don't have any issues with the 'cleansing of my body' but she claims I don't get enough of that either. I have tried, but again, it doesn't seem to make much difference. I eat plenty of natural fruits and veggies so always figured fiber was the least of my concerns.

I started taking Centrum Silver to ensure that I'm getting the proper nutrients. I also now chew up two Viactiv chews per day to help me with calcium. I don't like milk. Most of my calcium I get from cheese. Cheese can be high in sodium, the one thing she said I get too much of. No kidding! Sodium is in EVERYTHING. Do you hear the frustration?

There are days when I just want to give up. I want to believe that the Lord doesn't want me to stay fat forever, but with each obstacle I come up against, I have to wonder. I know I've "dieted" my way to being this fat. If only I'd been happy to weigh 232 all those years ago, I'd never have yo-yoed my way up to 530 pounds. How sad is it that the one thing I wanted so desperately (to be a thin and normal person ... and yes normal is relative) would cause me to be so damned fat? I know it makes me sad and I'm oh so tired of it being the focus of all that I am.

As to work and my blog, I did a search and found only one post that mentioned the company by name. I took that sentence out and there are now no concerns on that front. And speaking of work, I'm actively going to look for a new job. I'm tired of the screwed up hours and the thanklessness of this job. I'm praying about it and sure hope that the Lord provides some guidance in all of this.

I'll try not to disappear for quite so long. Didn't mean to make anyone worry. I just have been so frustrated and felt I had nothing to say. Obviously by the length of this post, I have a LOT to say, huh. LOL

It's Definitely Working

So last night work was crazy. Suffice it to say that there's going to be legal issues (and no I'm not in trouble) and some stress coming my way. It has to be and that's about all I can as I never know when someone will stumble upon this blog and I'll be in trouble for talking about my employer. Unfortunately, quite a long time ago, I named them here. I'm too lazy to go back and find where and edit it all out, though I probably could pinpoint the month if I really tried and searched.

That said, I got home and in bed about 11 AM this morning. Got up and weighed myself and could not believe my eyes. The scale is registering 395 pounds! What? Just last Thursday I weighed 407. What in the heck is going on?

I've been creeping downward a pound or two daily. I don't know if it's because I'm tracking calories more diligently or the Meridia. I honestly am not too concerned about why, really. I'm just thrilled that something is working. I'm praying that I'm now below 400 forever.

Onward and downward I charge!

Update on Meridia

Stopping by to say hello and wish everyone a wonderful end to the Sabbath. I've had a good day. I went ahead and started the Meridia on Friday. Had a mild problem (upset tummy and none too pleasant other stuff) at the end of the day. It could have been the medication, however, the side effect is constipation and not the other. LOL Too much info I know and I do apologize. It could also have been the salad I had at McDonald's as sometimes salads out act as a laxative for me. At any rate, I am tracking what I'm eating and for the last three days have stayed well within my calorie range at Sparkpeople.

I have to call the dietician that works with my medical group tomorrow and set up an appointment. Was hoping the insurance would cover a bariatric dietician, but not right now. That's okay. I'll go see this one with an open mind and hopefully she'll tell me something I don't already know. I've printed up my SP Nutrition reports to take with me so she'll know how I've been eating. Should I learn anything useful, I'll be sure to pass it on.

Raining in my corner of the world today. I don't mind it, really. It's been a while since we had a real rain. I'm going to make a pot of chili in a bit. I'll measure everything I put into it (which I don't usually do) so I can track the total calories and figure out how much for a one cup serving. I'm pretty sure I'll eat more than a cup, but that will be my starting point. At least done this way, I can enter it into my SP nutriton tracker and know from now on what I'm getting when I eat my own chili.

Doctor Visit Update

I did go see my doctor. She was thrilled with my blood pressure at 112/72. We discussed my weight bouncing up and down the same 5-6 pounds from 399-405 and how I'm really frustrated with it right now. If I were a weaker person, I'd just say 'to heck with it all' and quit. But I'm not so no worries about quitting.

We talked about Meridia, Xenical, and Byeeta (sp?). She gave me a script for Meridia. She advised me that it works well for some and not at all for others. This is a way to jump-start things again. It is not a long-term plan. She agreed with the calories/fat/protein/carbs ratios that Spark has given me to follow. She said I'm doing pretty well with my walking and need to make sure to continue that.

We also discussed depression (at the prompting of my dear hubby). If I continue to struggle with it as I have been, meds may be in my future for that as well. I'd really rather not take those, but will if it comes right down to it.

All in all it was a good visit. I will continue to track calories, walk, and take things one day at a time. I am going to beat this weight once and for all. It's just taking a heck of a lot longer than I ever thought it would.

The Struggle Remains

The struggle continues, though the acute hunger has now passed. The weight on the scale continues to bounce up and down five to seven pounds each week. Thankfully, it's the same pounds so I haven't really gained anything but it is frustrating.

I'm considering going strictly by what Sparks says for me to eat. Until now, I've been eating what I want, making the healthy choices, and tracking the calories. I'm going to pull up the Spark menus and see what I can live with and go for it. Get paid on Thursday and can then go grocery shopping and lay in what I need. I have to do something and this is as good as anything else.

Also, I go back to my doctor tomorrow. I'll see what she thinks. I know I haven't walked as much I should. It's been so darned hot here in Illinois. Today starts the cool down and then it's going to be really cool for a bit, or so the weather guy says. I'm so ready for a true fall and then into winter. I don't even mind walking in the cold. Hat, mittens, coat ... oh, I need to get a new coat. Mine is three years old and way too big on me this year. That's a good thing!

I'll check back in the next couple days and spill what the doctor thinks. Until then ... the struggle continues. One day at a time and deal with issues as they arise.

End of the week

I made it through the rough wanting to eat all day episode. I've eaten okay since then. Staying pretty much in the calorie range I need to be in. I've been walking. Nothing seems to be making a difference on the scale. That is what gets me so darned angry! I try and nothing happens. I don't try and noting happens. It's difficult to remain motivated and positive when nothing seems to matter. I guess I've become complacent. It's time for me to figure out a way to shake things up. I'll talk with my doctor next week and see what she has to say.

I'm just really weary of the day to day struggles and issues that seem never ending. I know everyone else struggles with the same things but dang! Still approaching life one day at a time.

Struggling with food

Well I had a really terrible day yesterday eating wise. I know I'm depressed but this may be my all time low. I wanted to eat. I had an insatiable appetite. I ate breakfast (2 eggs, 2 slices of whole wheat toast, and applesauce) and was still hungry. I had an apple and a cheese stick for a snack. Still hungry. Went to lunch with Tim and had a 1/2 lb burger (never can make myself order the 1/3 lb one!) and a large salad. I only ate the bottom bun. That should have satisfied me. But ... you guessed it! I was still hungry!

All day long I battled with wanting to eat more and more. I didn't, but it was definitely a war raging inside me. And I couldn't stay awake. I had plenty of sleep the night before, but for some reason (depression, I'm sure) I continued to doze off in my chair all day long. It was irritating and frustrating.

I finally got around to making my lasagna. Forgot to put the spinach down, so made the whole thing with extra lean ground beef. Ate a normal size portion and was still hungry. Had a second one. Then I had a mini apple pie I had made for dessert. (Got the recipe from Teresa's friend while up in Alaska and they are so good. I used splenda instead of sugar. They are made inside muffin tin cups and are the perfect size.) I managed to eat only one, though I had made ten.

By the time I went to work, the hunger seemed to have subsided and I felt like I was returning to myself once again. I am motivated to do what I can do and the rest is up to the Lord. In all honesty, I do feel like I'm doing everything in my power, but when I re-read what I've written, I wonder if I'm just making excuses once again.

I hated myself yesterday. Today I'm okay with who I am. It's weird to be so out of control. That isn't who I am. It really isn't. On some occasions, I'm even a real control freak!