Tonight I am just sad. I am being consumed by my loneliness and grief tonight. People just don't understand. I stay to myself sometimes not out of choice but by circumstances. I got paid today. Big deal. I made my April car payment (May is due) and picked up my prescriptions. For some stupid reason, Illinois Medicaid only pays for four prescriptions I. A rolling thirty day cycle unless seen as a maintenance drug. So, they denied my Ambien refill. Okay, not gonna stress. She said it was like $22 and I assumed like last month it would be a 30 day supply. I paid for it last month too. I pretty much take it every night. For whatever reason, they gave me only 8 pills but charged me the same price. I didn't know until I got home. I'm aggravated. I guess I need to find something over the counter to knock me out ... But nothing worked before. Oh well, maybe back to sleepless nights for me. Whatever. Anyway after making my car payment and picking up my meds I have $5 to get me through the next two weeks. My gas light came on before I got home so I have no gas and no money for gas. Gotta love it! And people wonder why I get so depressed. How does anyone survive alone? I just don't get it. Tomorrow is my granddaughters birthday party. Her mom has offered to come put some gas in my car so I can go. I was supposed to go to a family gathering on Sunday but probably won't now. My youngest daughter will put some gas in my car on Tuesday so it can be used to get her son to the doctor. Cheaper to take my car than her van. She's gonna have to put gas in it on Thursday for it be driven to our new house. I'm just so tired of it all. Sure, Tim and I struggled but not like this. I fear it will never end. And it makes me sad. And the tears roll down my cheeks.i feel like such a burden to so many. I can't even take care of myself anymore. I really want to just give up. I won't, but I want to so badly. Things look and feel so bleak. I try to look for the positive but it's just not working lately. I'm posting to get it out of my head not for sympathy or anything like that. If I don't sleep tonight I guess I can go outside and try to see the meteor shower that's supposed to happen. I don't know. I'm just so tired of it all. I hope this move is the right step for me and I can get back to some kind of normalcy.
Friday, May 23, 2014
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1 comments:
Deb here. Somehow missed the last few blogs and was getting caught up tonight. Reading everything...wow, Karon, you have some deep depression going on. Hopefully things are calming down enough for you that you can get started in some counseling again. No, I have not lost a husband, but yes, I have lost other family members and the grief can be almost too much to bear sometimes. It sounds like you are stuck in a very unpleasant place that is totally sucking your life energy out of you, and could use some help -- live-person help -- to start sorting through things and try to find a foot path to help you move forward again. This is not saying you should be "over it" (someone once told me I should have been done grieving my brother after 3 weeks). It's saying that you're stuck in a bad place and need a little help to start moving forward, at least a little, so you can get your feet more under you and not feel so overwhelmingly down. People do sometimes get stuck, and sometimes we just need help in finding a way forward.
Keep writing here, Karon, and work on getting back into counseling again (if you haven't already). You will get through this...one day at a time, one step at a time.
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