Update

It's been a long time since I wrote here. So much has happened I don't even know where to begin! When last I wrote, a good friend of mine left me a comment about my dark place. She was right. I was in a very dark place and it got a lot worse. I moved to the St. Louis area with my youngest daughter, Mandi. We all tried but it just didn't work out. My depression deepened. I shoved down my feelings and boy did I screw up big time! Through no ones fault but my own, I totally lost it and snapped a week after the move. I didn't want to live anymore. I'm still not certain I really wanted to die but fact of the matter is I took a handful of sleeping pills and hoped I would not wake up. It was cowardly and wrong. If I could go back and change it, I would. All I can do, though, is acknowledge what I did, be honest with myself, and keep going forward. If you know me at all you will know that I know suicide is viewed as the unforgivable sin in the Christian world. I do not know what I was thinking. I just didn't want to deal with anyone or anything anymore. The sad thing is it was my seven year old granddaughter who found me unresponsive and got her mom. This happened on a Friday evening. I was taken by ambulance to a local hospital there and woke up on Saturday late evening is my earliest memory. I was in the ICU, intubated and catheterized and not a happy camper. Late Saturday night I was moved to the psych floor for inpatient treatment. I was there for almost a week. I moved back to central illinois with my oldest daughter but was only there for about a week when I returned to my sister's house. I am still at my sister's.

I have a new psychiatrist who sees me every couple weeks. He is tweaking my medications. I see a counselor every other week and it is going really well. It will be a long road, but I am making progress. I accept my responsibility in the situation. I realize I have limits and have been figuring out what they are. I'm not saying I like them but I'm accepting I have them. LOL My counselor says I'm making good progress. I know what I need to work toward recovery and being happy. I know what I want. I am talking about my issues and he is guiding me through the process. It has been a very positive experience. I'm thankful to him.

I will be starting to work in a special education classroom in an elementary school as a teacher aide in a couple weeks. I'm looking forward to it. I'm ready to get out there and be on my own. I have a plan. The timeline is still a little iffy but there is really no rush. It's going to be okay. I'm going to be okay.

Thank you to everyone who tried to find out what was going on. My immediate family protected me by not giving out information. I'm grateful for that. I never had to say a word here but felt like it was time to come clean. I am continuing day by day. I will try to return to posting here but who knows how that will go? God bless, everyone.