I'm sitting here with the tears flowing and I can't seem to stop. I had a great day with grandson Brody today. But now I'm back home and I'm just so sad. I miss Tim. I need his advice. I'm stuck. I think I know what I want but I don't know how to make it happen. And some people may be hurt by my choices. I got myself set up for counseling last week. She cautioned me not to make any major life decisions. I need to. I just want to get on with living. I'm thinking of moving. Some will not understand. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel I can't talk to anyone. So I sit here and cry. Lord, help me through this rough time. Show me what your will is that I follow you.
Monday, March 31, 2014
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Anonymous Deb here...deleted my first post by accident, which was wonderful. Hope I can remember it to type it again. LOL
"They" (grief experts) do say not to make major life changes during the first year after a loss. That said, one size does not fit all and that may or may not be good advice for you. It might be a good idea to continue working with the counselor for a while to get another perspective, another set of eyes, another set of ears listening, and more ideas.
If you truly believe that a major change is what you need, and you think you know what you want, then write it down. Next, figure out the big steps to get there. Then look at each step and figure out what smaller steps are required to make that step happen, if any. Keep breaking things down into steps until you have a nice road map that gets you from point A to point B. Then figure out when you're going to start your trip.
When my hearing loss started deteriorating, I finally had to accept it and needed to make a career change, much as I hated to do it because I liked what I was doing (RN, bedside nursing in a hospital). First step for me was figuring out what else I wanted to do. That took a year or two as I pondered my interests, my abilities, and the likelihood of finding another job as a middle-aged person. Once I decided on something (computer science), I had to figure out where to go to school because I needed a new degree. And before I could start at that school, I had to start at another (community college) to get some very basic math courses so I'd be ready for the harder ones required by the degree (I had to start with pre-algebra and work my way up LOL). I had to look at the curriculum and plot out my courses based on prerequisites and when they were scheduled (some were offered only once a year), figure out my work schedule because I had to continue working full-time nights while going to school, and figure out how I was going to pay for everything. Then I started with that first class, and I went semester by semester until I was done. At the start of the last semester I started the process of looking for a job, which wasn't easy because I was 45 or so when I graduated and most employers wanted the young whipper-snappers. I got lucky and found a job with the company I really wanted, and I'm still there 16 years later. It took 5 years to finish the classes, so 6-7 years total to make the career change. It was hard, but I did it. One step at a time, one day at a time, pushing forward through the rough times until I got from point A to point B.
You do seem like you're stuck in a bad place at the moment, and sometimes you just want things to be done now. It also seems like you have problems being alone -- you're okay around other people, but alone you really struggle (though you did okay on that trip once you got used to being along with the pooch). It's a pattern I saw before Tim died, so this is not new. And that's okay, it's just something to factor in and to ponder about when coming up with whatever your plan is. And you need to be patient. It will take time to put a plan together and work it through. In the meantime, it seems like a good idea to continue working with your counselor, ponder, pray, and see what guidance you get. Then start working on that road map: pick your destination, start mapping the steps to get there, and then decide when you're going to start. And remember that you're doing this for you. If other people have a problem with it, that is THEIR problem, not yours. Don't make their drama your drama.
You can do it, Karon. You WILL get through this. It will take time and you have to be patient and just go through the grief, because that's how it is, sucky as it might be. It will get better though. One step at a time, one day at a time.
(now to see if I can post this without deleting it again; it's not the same as what I typed the first time, but the basic gist is there)
Deb here again...I need to add that the career change and starting the new job was one of the hardest things I ever did. Starting as a new graduate nurse when I was 22 and fresh out of school was one thing. Starting as a brand-new software engineer, fresh out of school at age 45 and absolutely no work experience in the field...whew, that was tough. It was a culture shock like I'd never experienced before, and I had loads and loads of doubts about whether I'd done the right thing or not. It took a couple of years to find my footing, find help for the depression that hit about that same time, figure out what I was really good at and what I really enjoyed, and settle into a sub-career (a specialty in a way), but I got there. And every time I had to go to a new program (as we tend to do in this business), it was the same thing -- starting out again as a newbie, having to learn the ropes, learn to work with a new team of people, etc. It was hard, but my work experience showed me that I could learn new things and I was a hard worker, so I just dug in and did the best job I could. It was hard being a newbie again after being competent in the last position, but that's how the tides roll. We start at the beginning, we become experienced at what ever it is, and then we start over again when we're in a new position or having to learn something new, and we again work our way up until we're experienced in that position.
That's kind of how life is, and we just roll with the waves. Sometimes the waves capsize us, and we just need to get flipped back over again and continue on.
Thanks for the little trip down memory lane! I'd forgotten how difficult it was to change careers, and wanted to share because it's sort of like what you're having to do in your life at the moment. I got through it, and you will as well. It's what we do. I have the advantage at the moment of being able to look back and see how far I've come. One day you'll be looking back as well and marveling how well you survived such a difficult trial.
Well written Deb!
You have had some life shattering events in your life and need time to heal and gather strength.
Deb has described an organized approach to solving some of your problems. It has worked for many people. She is right that one size does not fit all.
This type of planning makes sure that what you do is what you want to do and makes sure you cover the basics.
Take some time and think of all the problems you have overcome so far. You can do this.
You are a brave lady. Being brave does not mean you aren't fearful, it means that even tho you are fearful you can go ahead and function. You have done that a bunch of times.
Sending you lots of strong healing thoughts and prayers.
Karon,
I have been reading your FB posts and this blog for quite some time. IMHO, I think you are being way to hard on yourself. Losing a spouse has to be one of the hardest, saddest, terrifying events in one's life. It's not even a year yet. Give yourself a break and allow yourself to have your own process for however long it takes you. You are making progress. As for drama and being dragged into it at every turn, you do have the power to opt out and walk away. Family, friends whoever it is will just have to accept that you have the best excuse there is as to why you can't deal with it. It is very important that you take what you need for yourself. It is ok to say no and to be selfish right now. I agree with the counselor that making major life changes should be put on hold for now. I woud hate for you to go off somewhere without any support at all until you feel emotionally sound enough to make a good choice. You also have me as a low drama, low maintenance friend. You are welcome to talk to me about everything or nothing any time. You have my number and my email is ssssheehan65@gmail.com. I love you and pray you find yourself in this new life of yours. Suzy
Edit: sssheehan65@gmail.com (to many esses above.)
I just wanted to let you know that I would understand. I don't want you to move but I would understand. I know its time for you to do you. I love you with all my heart and I want you to be happy. And if you move and you don't like it then you can always come back. We will always have room for you. Maybe you need a break from it all, or maybe you just need your own friends. You can't always just think about everyone elses feelings, I'm not sure if that sounded selfish or not but you have always thought about others and you are not happy right now so its time for you. I love you
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