Tough Night

I honestly do not know what comes over me. I had an awesome day today. I spent lots of time with my Brody man. We met Crys with Mimi and Bubby at McDonalds and the kids played for a couple hours. Tony joined us near the end. I really enjoyed our time together. Took Brody home to his mom and visited with her a little. I intended to be gone before Boog got up from his nap but that didn't happen. Then he clung to me and didn't want to let me go. I sure do love that little guy and he loves his Gamma.

Went to Walmart and did some grocery shopping. Back home to my sister's. Cleaned up my room a bit. Talked on the phone for a couple hours. Didn't even realize that much time had passed. And then, out of nowhere, it hit me. I started to panic. I can't hear Tim's voice anymore. I can't remember if it was deep or high pitched. I can't remember was it loud or soft? Gravely or smooth? Aaron said Tim had a great voice. But damn it I can't remember! And I'm devastated by it. Why now? Why tonight? Why?

I've tried. I realized a couple weeks at that his voice was fading. I didn't give it a lot of thought. Tonight, I closed my eyes. I can see him so clearly. I see the young Tim when I first met him. I hated his clothes and his haircut. I can see him a few years into our marriage, receding hairline, jeans and a t-shirt. I can see him as he got sick. And as he got sicker. I see him with his full grey beard. But I can't hear his voice, not at any of those stages. And it has me feeling so sad. The tears are flowing and I'm really trying to hear him. Maybe now I'm trying too hard?

Mandi reminded me I have him on video tape. I need to go to the storage unit this week and look for that tape. I will then need to find a VCR to play it. I also need to find someone to put it on DVD for me. Then I can see him and hear him whenever I need to.

I honestly didn't know it was going to be this hard. I didn't know I was going to miss him this much. I didn't know my whole life would be forever changed and I would feel so lost and empty inside. Going to go allow myself a good cry now.