What I've Learned in the Last Ten Days

Over the last ten days, I have learned quite a bit about myself. My daughter, Mandi, has told me for a very long time, years in fact, that I'm stronger than I think I am. I usually scoffed and down-played it. I've finally come to realize that I AM stronger than I thought.

I learned that I can be alone, on my own, for several days and be just fine. Don't get me wrong. I need human contact. I missed my girls. I missed my grandchildren. I missed my sister. I missed my friend Aaron. I missed getting hugs from all of them. Their hugs transmit unconditional love, caring, and peace. What I did not miss was the drama that comes with being with other people.

I learned that after losing all the weight I have lost, I still suffer from a huge eating disorder. I eat breakfast every day. It's usually a very healthy breakfast. Mid-day I get hungry and eat but prefer something quick and easy. If I have the money, I'd rather eat fast food for lunch. I do not eat French fries much anymore. I don't eat much fried food at all. But I could make healthier food choices. I really do not care about eating dinner. I enjoy a couple slices of low fat cheese, a grilled cheese sandwich, scrambled eggs and toast, pizza rolls, or a cheap frozen pizza. I eat because it's time for dinner and going from lunch to breakfast would be way too long for my body to be without fuel. That's probably my most rational thought about food.

I realized the issue I have where junk food is concerned. I posted about that earlier. What I didn't want to believe is how very little self control I have regarding resolving that issue. I know it's a problem. It's just not a problem I want to confront yet. In due time, maybe.

I've learned I need to step back from a few people in my life and stop trying to be in control of them. Stop acting like I need to know everything going on. They are grown adults. If I need to know something, they will tell me. And you know what? Sometimes it's just better for me not to know some things. I didn't realize I was so controlling, but I am. I always called it caring and helping but maybe people just don't need or want my help sometimes.

I have also realized that I have had positive impacts on people's lives that I never knew. I try to do the right thing. I've had a few private moments lately when others have shared what impact I've had on their life. In the same token, they have touched mine. It really is true that you don't know if just a nod or smile will make someone's day. Just a touch, showing concern or care, can totally change a life. I'm thankful to the many who have touched mine. And I'm thankful for the opportunity to touch others, THAT is my calling.

I've learned that I can build a life without Tim. There are a lot of people who love me and care about me and are here for me. I just have to accept what they offer. I am comfortable with who I am. I just need "tweaking" LOL I'm no longer afraid of life without Tim. It's been nine months and I'm still here. Yes, I've had problems. I had them before he died too. My bills got way behind, I was working minimally, I was isolating myself, and refusing to accept that I was the one who had the problem.

Slowly, I am making my way back. Times will be hard. I'm certain more tears will fall. I know my feelings of guilt will never go completely away. I know I will fall down but I WILL get back up ... Again, and again, and again. I can do this. I will do this. I am not alone. I have several angels in Heaven watching over me. I have family and friends here on earth to love and support me.

The most important lesson I have learned is that I am indeed a blessed woman. I am so very thankful for what I have. I am going forward with my life. God is not done with me here, yet!