I guess I've had a LOT to say lately. *chuckles* I posted this at Sparkpeople.com and in my MySpace blog as well. I share pretty much everything here so am posting it here as well. If you've read it in one of the other places, I apologize for the repition. I just want to see what others have to say and how others feel about this topic.
This entry is a strange one for me. I started this process so long ago (four years ago come January) and so much has changed for me. Those who have known me for so long know that my life was pretty much hell back then. I weighed 530 pounds or more. I didn't do anything that required exerting myself except to walk from the living room to the bathroom and back. I had to sit on a step stool to shower. I walked to the car and drove my hubby and daughter to the store, but never went in, sending them in to do the shopping. I couldn't put on my own socks or shoes and I'm ashamed to say for a time I couldn't even wipe my own bottom. Sorry if it's TMI but it's true. And it sucked and that's what got me started on this odyssey in the beginning. It fueled my anger that I had let myself get to that point. It fueled my determination to make a difference and take back my life; and I've done that! But something happened yesterday. I want to share that experience with you all and see what you think?
I got my hair cut yesterday. It looked pretty good and was one of the best cuts I've had in quite a while. The stylist took her time and made sure she understood exactly what I wanted. She was GREAT and next time I go back I'll be sure she's working and will wait however long it takes to have her cut my hair again. I'll probably post a picture later today so you can see the end result. I'm kind of tired of my current profile picture anyway. I will also post updated weight loss photos early in December so you'll see the whole body then.
Anyway, since I was flying high and feeling so darn good about myself and my day in the gym I decided to have Tim color my hair for me. He is my sytlist, you know? He's done this many times for me and usually does a good job. I had a bottle of color I got many months ago but never used so we got it and he went to work. He missed a few grey hairs at my temples. Then again, he almost always does. He is visually impaired and does the best he can. If I thought it was a real issue, I'd double check it before letting it sit but I don't mind a few stray greys. They'll grow back in grey anyway! It looks good but then I started to study myself in the mirror. I really shouldn't have done that.
I burst into tears and poor Tim was at a loss. He thought he had really messed up my hair or something. It wasn't that at all. I realized that I don't look like ME anymore! Isn't that crazy? My face is thin. My neck is wrinkled and I often refer to my neck as a "turkey neck". A plastic surgeon assured me that my body would do it's own liposuction and the skin will shrink back. He wouldn't give me a written guarantee, though! LOL I feel like I look like that guy in the movie "Beetlejuice" where his head shrinks down to being tiny and his body remains huge. That's me! With the new cut and the new color job, I just don't look like me anymore. I don't feel like me anymore either with my new found energy and liking exercise. What is going on? Is this normal? Am I losing my mind? And most importantly, how much more of me is going to be gone than just the fat? I think I'm now scared about this whole process and the end product. Maybe I need a shrink! HA, no pun intended.
So those of you who have been here and done this ... What do you think? Do you feel this way sometimes? Don't get me wrong. I love that I'm losing the weight. I love that I'm exercising and enjoying it. I'm glad to have had surgery to keep me going in the right direction but I guess I didn't expect the emotions to go so haywire.
As my mom would say, God rest her soul, "Chin up and eyes forward." I will focus on moving forward and see what happens. In the end, it's going to be okay but boy did I have some rough moments last night. I think I may avoid peering into the mirror today.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
How much of ME will be lost?
Posted by Karon at 11/23/2008 08:54:00 AM
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6 comments:
You are starting to look like the real you and not the covered up person you have been. Kind of like, you are wearing a burka and are now getting rid of it.
Change is uncomfortable and stressful. It takes awhile to get used to the new way of being.
You will probably even grieve some for the old you, because we do overeat for a reason.
You might need to see a counselor just to help you sort all of these new feelings you will/are having. There is no shame in that.
I am triple tickled for you. Your doing so well and you give me hope.
Losing 180 pounds was far more difficult "emotionally" than I would have EVER guessed. So many things go through your mind----at a certain point, you just feel RAGE at everyone's comments...not matter how well meaning. Over time, I have come to accept that they all see me different. But here I am....I look 10 years younger...men stop traffic for me, hold open doors....I have bones protruding but I still see a BIG person in the mirror. What I see in the mirror doesn't match up with who I see myself as.....for 27 years I was 250 lbs. + and even though everyone else has accepted it, it's ME who still doesn't. It's very bizarre and I've read that everyone goes through a long adjustment period but I've had a psychologist who's known me 16 years right there talking with me. Find a counselor....this is way to big an adjustment for you to take on all by yourself. It's BIG, honey, it's BIG. It's going to surprise you.
By the way--you have a beautiful smile!!
I see a beautiful woman in that photo, not a person with a turkey neck. I also see genuine happiness in your face, and I haven't seen many pics of you with that expression before.
Maybe you could try turning around your thought path and think of it this way....the person you've been staring at in the mirror for these many years WASN'T the "real" you, and now slowly but surely you finally get to see what you "really" look like.
I have had the same hang up about losing weight, though my usual stress body part is my chest, since it shrinks dramatically at the first sign of weight loss-that made me angry in the past. Now I just tell myself that the way I was MEANT to look is under there somewhere and my body deserves the chance and relief to be allowed out of it's prison.
That's how I'm trying to deal with "letting go" of my weight. Who would have thought that after all these years of complaining about being fat, I'd be upset at losing that same fat....weird.
Your mom was right...chin up eyes forward!
Love,
Ann
Wow Karon, you are looking wonderful. Poor Tim....he thought he was fired!!!
I agree with all the wise ladies that commented before me. This IS you! You are now transforming into that beautiful butterfly. I wish you only happiness in your journey Karon. You have helped me greatly along the way and for that I will be forever grateful.
You are still you.....just better! Love ya!
PS. Ummm...heck ya with all that exercise lady!!!!
i cant imagine what it would be like to loose all that weight. i have lots to loose myself. be proud of yourself and the new you in and outside. im sure it is a little scary but your the same person just looking different. hope you have a happy thanksgiving. hugs
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