Feelings

I've learned a lot about myself these past nine months. I've got many regrets for things I thought, said, and did. I'm not beating myself up for any of it. I just have regrets. I realize Tim was a very physically sick man. He was also very depressed. I'm trying to work through and accept that I did the best I could. I've done some reading about loss and am finding what I feel is normal. I realize normal is relative and nothing is actually normal, but it's nice to know I'm not going crazy. The night I sobbed for three hours, clinging to Mandi, feeling like I just wanted to die ... That is normal. I was not losing my mind. It was part of my body's natural healing process. According to my readings, recovery comes in three stages that overlap. First there is shock, denial, and numbness. This is followed by fear, anger, and depression. Lastly comes understanding, acceptance, and moving on. Each stage is natural and necessary. I have been through the first two stages, back and forth between them. I'm still there. I have days that I just feel numb. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to leave my room. I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm learning that's okay. I am fearful. I know I should not be. I am spiritual enough to know that fear is not of Him. But I am afraid I will never afford a place of my own again. I'm stuck. It isn't bad, living with my sister, I just want my own place with my own things. I have days when my emotions are so out of whack I don't want to be around me! I am letting myself feel .... Grief, anger, failure, exhaustion, beat down, relieved, overwhelmed, guilty, hopeless, and feeling like life is just not worth living. I'm okay. I will not hurt myself, though taking a handful of pills crossed my mind a time or two.in feeling, I am healing. It's a slow process and will not be rushed. I feel like a burden to my girls, to my sister. They have been taking care of me. I'm at an age I should be able to take care of myself and I just can't. I'm trying though. I've been to the doctor. I am taking anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, and sleep aids for now. It is not permanent. I am going to start attending a grief support group in a couple weeks. I will be okay. And now, I need a break. Time to relax and just feel. It's been a long busy day.