It's that time of the year ...

... that I have come to dread. The time from Thanksgiving through the end of the year was always Tim's favorite time of the year. I never minded it so much because he enjoyed it for both of us. Now, it just reminds me of all of my failures. I'm going to lose my car any day now. I can't afford the payments. How I'll get to work or what I'm going to do, I just don't know. I'm totally broke. I'm barely able to buy groceries every month. I do get a little bit of Link and that helps but it's definitely not enough. Now that I'm no longer eating with the rest of the people in this house, there are days I do not eat dinner or I do not eat dinner at all. It is all very disheartening. I make do with what I have. I will not be buying anyone gifts this Christmas. While that has nothing to do with my meaning of Christmas, it's hard for the grandchildren to understand, especially the younger ones. It is all making me sad. If I had my way, there would be no lights, no tree, but the kids are getting ready to assemble a fake tree. They already stapled lights everywhere in their living room. Once again I just want to go to sleep and sleep through the new year. Nothing in my life is even close to being fair!

Respect

I get that these are minor things to some but damn! I'm irritated.

I was asked to load the dishwasher this morning. You knew you were cooking a holiday meal for over a week. Why did you not do the dishes yesterday? But, being the person I am, I bit my tongue and loaded the dishwasher. In fact, neither of them could have fit everything in. They have no clue how to successfully load a dishwasher to the maximum.

So, then I've been gone day to alleviate my stress and tension in the house. I come home to find my three good paring knives sticking down the garbage disposal. Hello! I've had those knives for two years, they are still sharp, because I take care of them. If you can't wash them up and put them back, then don't touch them. They are mine! They were expensive.

I also notice the beaters to my mixer are in the sink. I cleaned up those same beaters plus two more sets (never did figure out why he used all three-a whisk, an egg beater, wide beaters) last night after you made pie batter, used my mixer, and did not put it away. It is a hand mixer. It has a plastic case it sits in that holds the beaters and power cord when not in use. You left it strung out everywhere last night. So, I get home and the beaters are dirty in the sink, the mixer is tossed in a cabinet, and the handy case is no where to be found. I eventually found it shoved in a drawer! What the hell!??! I got that mixer for a wedding gift thirty-one years ago. Again, there is a reason it looks new and still works after all of this time!

I am so tired of the disrespect and utter lack of regard for me and my things. If I use something of theirs, I clean it and put it back EXACTLY how and where I found it. I mean damn. If it isn't yours, either do the same or don't touch my shit!

Side notes...I find it hysterical that they bought, cooked, and transported the follow food--12 lb turkey, mashed potatoes, candied yams, green bean casserole, stuffing, and pumpkin pies--to his sister's house and there is not a scrap of food anywhere. You would never know these kids cooked dinner here at all. And I'm wondering what in the hell his sister contributed to the meal? It's just funny to me that there are no leftovers.

I had an awesome day, though. Going to my nephew's was totally the right thing to do. He smoked two turkeys. My sister, my nieces, and I all contributed to the meal. It was awesome. We had, in addition to the turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn casserole, broccoli cauliflower salad, cheese ball and crackers, celery, dinner rolls, pumpkin pie, apple pie, and cookie dough dip with graham crackers. We HAD leftovers! LOL I chose not to bring any home, thinking there would be some here. Joke's on me, I guess. After dinner, we played Cards Against Humanity. It was a total blast! We laughed and had such a good time.

I missed spending the day with my own little family. I'm not even gonna lie about it. I missed cooking the meal. I missed the parade. I missed watching football. I missed all the grandkids loving on me. But this time of year has become so dysfunctional for Mandi, Crys, and I that I know I did the right thing, removing myself from it all. Right now, as much as it hurts to say it, I'm planning to do the same thing come Christmas. I don't know what I'll do, yet, but I will not be here.

Lord, please help Bryan and I find a place and get moved. I'm ready for total peace.

Day by day

I called to check on Gobi today. They said he was really scared the first couple days. He is adjusting, goes for walks outside, and is eating and drinking. He seems to be responding to a couple of the caregivers. He will get a medical evaluation tomorrow and a behavior evaluation after that. Then, he will be considered for adoption. I pray he gets a great new home with someone who will love him and keep him the rest of his life. Poor baby.

I'm making it through the days. I'm not happy. I spend all of my time by myself. I'm sick of reading. I'm tired of watching tv. I'm tired of being alone, in a house full of people, ignored and treated like I don't matter, like I don't exist. It makes me so sad. I've tried to find things to get involved in but nothing has grabbed me so far. I just want out. Out of this house, out of this situation. Out!

Looking back, and yes I know I should be looking forward, I wish I could go back to about six years ago. We lived in an apartment I liked. Tim was alive and managing. We had our grandson Alex living with us. We were not rich but we were not struggling. I liked my job. I felt like I made a difference. Yes, if I could, I'd go back to that time.

Anyway, I hope to find somewhere to move soon. I think I'd feel better if that was locked in. I would have something to look forward to. For now, I will focus on getting through the week. Going to see my sister (forgot which night, LOL) and try to relax this weekend. Next week I'll be going to my nephew's for Thanksgiving. The world doesn't stop because I'm struggling.

Uneventful Day

Today has been quiet. Work was busy. Afterward, I went to vote. Been home all evening, pretty much on my own. I'm okay with it. I'm really feeling kind of tired and I'm nauseous. I think I'll finish watching Chopped, check out the election results so far, and head to bed about 9:00. Tomorrow afternoon I say goodbye to Gobi. He has been a faithful friend. I can't help but feel that I am letting him down. I hope he finds a good home and doesn't end up being put down. That will break my heart. I'm going to choose to believe someone will adore him and give him one more chance. This is my hope and prayer.

What's sad is why I'm not even surprised.

I went out of my way to make sure they would be here for dinner. I cooked dinner, burning my palm with hot oil in the process. They barely ate. And not a single thank you was spoken. I'll include them as I cook the rest of this week and then they are on their own. I'm going to take care of me and they can go to Hell. I sit here, in my little room, crying. They don't care. I did not raise her like this. Our relationship is in tatters and I'm beginning to think it's too far gone to even begin to repair. I just have to take care of me and try not to let their behavior bother me. It's so hard, though.

Monday, Monday

 Its been a day! One of my former students went home from the hospital. He is autistic and on Halloween he got away from his mom. Ended up in a body of water. When he was pulled out, he was not breathing. Bystanders started CPR and were able to revive him. He was sedated and on a ventilator for a few days. Seems he's made a good recovery and is now back home. Praise the Lord!

A current student, also autistic, was quite a handful today. We were down one staff member so the day was challenging. By the end of the day we were all pretty tired.

Home to the same treatment I've been subjected to for about a week now. I'm not spoken to unless I ask a question that requires an answer, like are you going to be here for dinner. LOL They do no consult with me but I refuse to stoop to their level. I'm making smothered porkchops, rice, and dinner rolls. Yes, I'm cooking enough for them, too. If they eat, fine. If not, guess what's for lunch tomorrow?

Bryan has called about a couple houses. I'm praying we find something soon and I'm out of here before Thanksgiving. I'm going to do my best to live my life and stay out of the drama between now and then. At least Brody loves me! I'm so blessed to have him. Storing up what I can in case she really does mean her promise of me never seeing him again when we split. It is what it is.

Planning an early night of it. I'm kind of tired tonight.

Gonna be a rough week

I have some unpleasant things to take care of this week. Tuesday, I have to do my civic duty and go vote. Still working out in my head how that will go. Wednesday, I am surrendering Gobi to the local humane society. I have multiple reasons for doing this and every single one of them is an excuse. I was told he has to go. He poops and pees on the floor and it is a behavior issue. He is now chewing up things. He has gone through three bed pillows a comforter, and some random socks. I'm not home enough to give him the love and attention he needs. I'm praying that he finds a great home with people who love him more than I do.  Lastly, I can't even look forward to a three day weekend. I'm ignored. They cook for themselves and say nothing to me. They didn't even ask me if I wanted to eat. I would never have treated then this way. It breaks my heart. Please God, let me find a place to go. My spirit is crushed. I'm so alone. I don't know how much more I can take.

It all just hurts

My heart is so heavy tonight. I can no longer post my feelings on Facebook. This is my only safe place. Mandi has stated that I am dead to her. Once we split from this house I will never see Brody or her again. And sh means it. How I'm going to live without that baby boy I just don't know. I'm not blameless but her actions are certainly extreme!

Bryan moved in a week ago. Due to the drama and how I am treated here, he's moving out already. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Alone here with one person who hates me and one who tolerates me. He treats me nice when it's just the two of us but if Mandi is here he ignores me completely. It's not fair. Life is not fair.

My heart is split in two. Actually, it's shattered into a billion pieces. I don't know what I'm going to do for a place to live. I don't know how I'm going to afford anything. I don't know how I will survive. Right now it's moment by moment. Somehow I will survive this but right now I am devastated beyond repair.

I'm done

and I don't want to live this life anymore. I am SO unhappy. I try and I try. Relax, release stress they say. I say HA! Live my fucking life. It's nothing but stress upon stress upon stress. I'm over it. I am just so over it. I cannot believe how low I am once again.

Stuck in the middle

It seems no matter what I do, I'm stuck in the middle. Now I'm being told who I can talk to and about what. It's a tricky situation I find my self in. I do everything I can but its just crazy. I am so ready for this life to be over. So much going on. Things swirling in my head. So many wishes and dreams. Yet it's all tarnished or broken. And I don't know what to do so I just do nothing.

Down in the dumps

on the outside looking in. I just expect too much of others and put everyone ahead of myself. I need to stop!

Random Thoughts

a lot has gone on in my personal life. I'm so tired. I take care of everyone else first. I give and give. I make other people happy at my own expense. It's my fault. And then I'm hurt. How do I stop letting the littlest things tear me down? I don't have the energy for all of this anymore. I'm so tired. I give my all and get back 40%. It's just not fair. I can't just turn and walk away. Well, I guess I could, but I won't. I just want to be happy. If I have to be completely alone to do it, then so be it. This is killing me. I have no energy when I'm awake. I barely sleep. I am just making through each miserable day as it comes. And I'm really just self talking here so please don't judge me. Don't tell me all the give positive to get it and be happy to be happy yadda, yadda, yadda. I KNOW all of that. Just let me have my place to cry for a minute. I'll be okay.

My Christmas Miracle

for the first time since he died, that I have memory of, Tim was in my dream early this morning. I was surprised that he was in ill health in my dream. We were on vacation somewhere. We were having a good time. I woke up and that's all I really remember. It was good to see him. I think I expected him to be healthy. I miss him.

What If

I have had a thought for a while now and it is making me a little crazy. In the nineteen months since he died, Tim has not come to me in any way, shape, or form ... that I know of. I've had no "visits" in my dreams. I've seen no signs of him anywhere, like others talk about. I have not felt him nearby. Nothing. What if he went to Hell instead of Heaven and that is the reason. He could be pretty human at times, in the flesh so to speak. When he was alive I never once questioned his salvation. We were never the most Christian but we tried to walk the walk, talk the talk, and share Jesus with others. We tried to live as He would have us and as our Father commanded. Being Christian, I wonder what this could mean for my own salvation. If Tim is not in Heaven, I darn sure will not be going there. Why am i torturing myself with these thoughts? Why can't I just let it go? Why is it eating away at me? Why now? I'm so confused.

Proud of Myself

Feeling proud today. I spent most of the day with my girls, grandchildren, and significant others. It was a great day! We went out to lunch and I ran into someone who had not seen me in a couple years. She commented that I had lost a lot of weight and look really good. It made me feel good because I am not at my lowest weight since surgery. I've gained, and maintained, about fifty pounds. She just kept telling me how great I look. Honestly, I still see the over 500 lb Karon, so that was very encouraging to me and made me proud of what I have accomplished. I just talked to my counselor last week about how I see how much farther I have to go instead of focusing on my accomplishments. Pride in myself does not come easy to me. It felt really good!

Excited Finally

Just popping in to say I'm doing really well. I really like my counselor and he said today I am making good progress. I am finally starting to grieve and let go ... It's a good thing, really. I'm excited about starting work on the 19th. One more step on the climb to independence. I'm hoping to move out of my sister's house by mid September or early October at the latest. I will be going to an extended stay hotel in Champaign. It has a full size bed (gonna need to get sheets as my bed now is a twin and my old bed was a queen), television (but I'm going to see if they will remove it so I can have my 47 inch) with cable, internet, stove with two burners, full size fridge, sink, small table with chairs, a dresser, and of course the bathroom. I will also have room to bring my old wing chair recliner. It's not pretty but it sits nice and I can put my feet up at the end of the day. See, I cannot rent anywhere because I did not complete the lease Tim and I had and they reported me so no one wants to rent to me. I figure with this including all utilities, maid service every two weeks for good scrubbing, and saving that one hour round trip gas it will about come out even. And I'll be in the city, where it prefer to be near to things and public transit if I need it. I'm not going to lie. It's going to be tight but I'm sure I can make this work. My counselor agrees that I need to be on my own for a while, at least. I'm excited. Many (especially the sister I'm staying with) are discouraging me in this, but I know what I want and need. It is not a blind plan. I have thought this through and weighed other options including renting a place with my cousin and his mate; but I really want to be on my own. I'll be close enough to all of my family here and yet not answering to anyone but me. I'm ready to spread my wings and fly. I'm feeling excited, happy, and encouraged for the first time in a long time. Just wanted to share. (On the down side, I have been avoiding the conversation with my sister about leaving and my plans because she has made her feelings quite clear and it's not positive in my favor. So, I'm working my counselor on how to handle this added stress when I'm so happy.)

Update

It's been a long time since I wrote here. So much has happened I don't even know where to begin! When last I wrote, a good friend of mine left me a comment about my dark place. She was right. I was in a very dark place and it got a lot worse. I moved to the St. Louis area with my youngest daughter, Mandi. We all tried but it just didn't work out. My depression deepened. I shoved down my feelings and boy did I screw up big time! Through no ones fault but my own, I totally lost it and snapped a week after the move. I didn't want to live anymore. I'm still not certain I really wanted to die but fact of the matter is I took a handful of sleeping pills and hoped I would not wake up. It was cowardly and wrong. If I could go back and change it, I would. All I can do, though, is acknowledge what I did, be honest with myself, and keep going forward. If you know me at all you will know that I know suicide is viewed as the unforgivable sin in the Christian world. I do not know what I was thinking. I just didn't want to deal with anyone or anything anymore. The sad thing is it was my seven year old granddaughter who found me unresponsive and got her mom. This happened on a Friday evening. I was taken by ambulance to a local hospital there and woke up on Saturday late evening is my earliest memory. I was in the ICU, intubated and catheterized and not a happy camper. Late Saturday night I was moved to the psych floor for inpatient treatment. I was there for almost a week. I moved back to central illinois with my oldest daughter but was only there for about a week when I returned to my sister's house. I am still at my sister's.

I have a new psychiatrist who sees me every couple weeks. He is tweaking my medications. I see a counselor every other week and it is going really well. It will be a long road, but I am making progress. I accept my responsibility in the situation. I realize I have limits and have been figuring out what they are. I'm not saying I like them but I'm accepting I have them. LOL My counselor says I'm making good progress. I know what I need to work toward recovery and being happy. I know what I want. I am talking about my issues and he is guiding me through the process. It has been a very positive experience. I'm thankful to him.

I will be starting to work in a special education classroom in an elementary school as a teacher aide in a couple weeks. I'm looking forward to it. I'm ready to get out there and be on my own. I have a plan. The timeline is still a little iffy but there is really no rush. It's going to be okay. I'm going to be okay.

Thank you to everyone who tried to find out what was going on. My immediate family protected me by not giving out information. I'm grateful for that. I never had to say a word here but felt like it was time to come clean. I am continuing day by day. I will try to return to posting here but who knows how that will go? God bless, everyone.

Just Sad

Tonight I am just sad. I am being consumed by my loneliness and grief tonight. People just don't understand. I stay to myself sometimes not out of choice but by circumstances. I got paid today. Big deal. I made my April car payment (May is due) and picked up my prescriptions. For some stupid reason, Illinois Medicaid only pays for four prescriptions I. A rolling thirty day cycle unless seen as a maintenance drug. So, they denied my Ambien refill. Okay, not gonna stress. She said it was like $22 and I assumed like last month it would be a 30 day supply. I paid for it last month too. I pretty much take it every night. For whatever reason, they gave me only 8 pills but charged me the same price. I didn't know until I got home. I'm aggravated. I guess I need to find something over the counter to knock me out ... But nothing worked before. Oh well, maybe back to sleepless nights for me. Whatever. Anyway after making my car payment and picking up my meds I have $5 to get me through the next two weeks. My gas light came on before I got home so I have no gas and no money for gas.  Gotta love it! And people wonder why I get so depressed. How does anyone survive alone? I just don't get it. Tomorrow is my granddaughters birthday party. Her mom has offered to come put some gas in my car so I can go. I was supposed to go to a family gathering on Sunday but probably won't now. My youngest daughter will put some gas in my car on Tuesday so it can be used to get her son to the doctor. Cheaper to take my car than her van. She's gonna have to put gas in it on Thursday for it be driven to our new house. I'm just so tired of it all. Sure, Tim and I struggled but not like this. I fear it will never end. And it makes me sad. And the tears roll down my cheeks.i feel like such a burden to so many. I can't even take care of myself anymore. I really want to just give up. I won't, but I want to so badly. Things look and feel so bleak. I try to look for the positive but it's just not working lately. I'm posting to get it out of my head not for sympathy or anything like that. If I don't sleep tonight I guess I can go outside and try to see the meteor shower that's supposed to happen. I don't know. I'm just so tired of it all. I hope this move is the right step for me and I can get back to some kind of normalcy.

It's been a year ...

... A year filled with sorrow and pain. A year of feeling like my heart was ripped out of my chest. A year of feeling like I'm losing my mind. It's been a year of changing. At 5:08 A.M. In the morning, Tim started to draw his las breath. I was with him the entire time. I talked with him, played his favorite music, held his hands, rubbed his forehead, and promised him I would be okay. In some ways I am. In others, I'm not doing so hot. Baby steps. Flashes of sound or vision in my memory. It's only born one year! It feels like a lifetime ago. Sleeping pill kicking in. Time to try to sleep.

I Only Control Me

I had a major disappointment today. I feel like someone who promised to never lie to me again turned around and lied by hiding something from me. It isn't that words even came out of his mouth. It was his actions that disappointed me. I honestly try to not have unrealistic expectations. But there are times that I just feel so damn betrayed and today is one of those days. I want to believe in this person. I want to trust them. But I can only control me and how I respond to things that happen around me. I let him know I was disappointed and why. I'd almost rather be angry because anger doesn't hurt; at least it doesn't hurt me. Disappointment makes my heart hurt. So, I shared how I felt and why. He acknowledged my feelings. I let him know I'm not mad and still love him. Now I have to let it go and move forward. We will see what tomorrow brings.

I am missing Tim so much right now. I think my anxiety is under better control. I'm having less crying spells. Maybe one day they will be behind me. As for your response to my last blog, Janet, I am on medication for depression, anxiety, and to help me sleep. I tried to start counseling but with me moving in a couple weeks, I did not see the point in starting and having to start again. As soon as we are moved, within the first week there, I plan to find a psychiatrist to continue my meds and a therapist to talk to. I know I cannot get through this on my own. I am also going to look for another Grief Share group to join. Hopefully some of the people will be more my age. Until then, I will continue to work in the workbook they gave me. There is some good stuff in there!