Gosh, stress causes worry and worries cause stress. Some days I just don't know how much more of either I can take.
Tim is very sick, again. His blood sugars are way out of control. I didn't work yesterday. Something told me not to. Checked his blood sugar in the morning and it was 453. Later on, it was almost 600. Neither is a good number as any diabetic will tell you. It's dangerously high. Generally, when it gets this high, he ends up in the hospital for about a week. Yeah, like I need that stress and worry right now. We're three hours from his doctor, out of network for his insurance (but hospital charges would be covered except the deductible), and I have no one here who can help out with keeping an eye on him ... helping him check his blood sugar, draw his shot, make sure he eats. My biggest nightmare has come true! Somehow, I knew if I when back to work, he'd get sick. He claims he would be sick anyway, but I don't think so. For almost two years I've managed to keep him out of the hospital.
The numbers are so high because he hasn't been very diligent about what he eats. He hasn't been checking his blood sugars or taking his insulin. And I can't do it all for him.
Anyway, I'm tired of being stressed. I'm tired of worrying. I'm just tired, I guess. I'm scared, I'm alone, I'm stressed, I'm tired. I'm so tired of being tired.
Back to work today. I pray he'll be okay while I'm gone. He has the numbers to reach me if he isn't. My supervisor said yesterday when I called off that 'family comes first' but I know today I'll get the official 'verbal consultation' on missing work which gets put in writing that I was given a consultation. It's all so damn pointless and unnecessary, but I know it's coming. I'll be shocked if it doesn't. That said, if I have to miss more work, I have to. Tim is all I have right now and I'm not going to jeopardize his health for the sake of a job. So we'll see how it goes.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Stress and Worry
Posted by Karon at 6/01/2006 07:17:00 AM
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11 comments:
You have to do what you have to do. So don't feel bad about it. If the worst happens, well it probably won't, but if it does you can deal with it then. You'll be fine. You are not alone.
Hi Karon!
Sounds like you're very tired and feeling overwhelmed. I'm sorry you're having such a frustrating time. Is there any neighbor you've met that might be able to check in on Tim during the day? He's had diabetes a long time, why isn't he doing what he knows needs to be done to keep his levels under control? He has to take responsibility for his own health, just like you have.
If he can't or isn't willing to do that, maybe you can talk to a Dr about some sort of program where he can learn to take care of his own eating and such or maybe there's a low cost program that could have someone come a few times during the day to check his levels and administer his meds....
Maybe the worst will have to happen to make him understand that his health is HIS responsibility.
I hope I'm not being to blunt but it's the truth. You've made a lot of progress on your health and your attitude towards life....now it's his turn.
I'll be saying extra prayers for you!
Ann
I'm so sorry you've got to wrestle with this. When all looks gloomy Karon, believe and hope for the best and remember God hasn't changed His address...He's still with you. Hang in there!
I understand your stress. What I don't understand is why your husband can't monitor his own health. Why is he using you like this? No offense but he's not a child. You've sacrificed enough. You're now doing something you worked for and enjoy. Why is he out to sabotage you? In life we all have roles to play. It's time he play the adult role. "Mommy" isn't there all of the time now.
Please take care of yourself, Karon. I've followed your progress for quite some time. I'd hate to see you toss it all away because your husband can't face up to his responsibilities. Trista
I am tired and overwhelmed. My life has pretty much been turned upside down during the month of May.
We don't know anyone close. I cannot ask total strangers to check on him. Yes, he's had diabetes a long time. He also suffers from severe depression and I think the changes are finally getting to him as well. It's pretty difficult for a healthy person to go through so many changes. Yes, he needs to take responsibility for himself, but he also is limited in this. He forgets things. He is in early stage Parkinson disease and things are going to only get worse.
Eventually, I will get things set up so that someone (probably a home health nurse) will come in to check on him and make sure he eats. Right now, with the difficulty in insurance changes, that just isn't possible. I'm investigating the services in this area and will get it going as soon as I can.
Trista, I appreciate your comments, however I don't feel Tim is using me at all. You know, a lot of women would left him long ago given his poor health and inability to take care of himself and the family. I married him for better or worse, in sickness and in health and I'm going to honor those vows I took so seriously. I don't feel he is out to sabotage me at all. Quite the opposite, he is my number one support person in this journey. I'm tossing nothing away, including Tim. The journey continues and I'll live life day by day.
And Vicki, I appreciate the prayers. I agree that the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle. I just wish sometimes he didn't trust me so darn much!
Take care all ... as of this evening, 10:21 pm, his blood sugar readings have been good and he's no longer vomiting. Praise the Lord!
Hi Karon....I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I have no words of wisdom for you. Thankfully, we have been lucky enough to be healthy. My husband is not sick but handicapped and that is a whole other ball of wax. He spends most of his time trying to convince us he is not! :) Although he does like to be waited on hand and foot!!!!
You will be in my thoughts and prayers and remember that I am thinking of you daily. My heart is heavy knowing the burden you are carrying right now.
I wish you the best. Try and get some rest!!!!
Whenever I have a question I "google" it to see what I can find. (why reinvent the wheel)
I "googled" "reminders for medication" and found several interesting sites.
http://www.memotext.com/index.html
www.bindependent.com
http://www.epill.com/aginginplace.html
They have various ways of reminding people to take their meds. Might give you and time some ideas on how to solve this particular "challenge" you have right now.
I meant Tim---not time. Silly me, I need to go to bed.
I think you and Tim can solve just about anything you put your minds to.
Karon, I remember when you were looking for a job this was one of your worries. I hope you find a solution. I wish I had some answers but all I can do is offer support and be here to listen (or read) when you need someone.
You have so many online friends to turn to when you are feeling tired and alone. Don't forget that. We're all here to help offer support and friendship and anything else you might need. Just ask:) I hope you are able to find a solution to this soon. Chin up, girl. You're always in my thoughts and prayers.
I am so sorry to hear this has happened. And I hope that Tim was OK today. I have to tell you that my first instinct was to say YELL AT TIM: Tell Tim to grow up and take responsibility for himself (you know how I am always promoting the concept of personal responsibility :-)). He needs to learn how to remember to take his blood sugar readings, take his meds and eat right!! I guess I agree with Trista and Ann in many ways. Whether he's doing this consciously or subconsciously he's doing it. I say subconsciously because I am guessing that part of this comes from his missing you being around.
I know that you love Tim very much and viceversa but sometimes tough love is the best love.
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