Darn public computers!

So, I typed this whole long post, here at the library and it got eaten somewhere between "publish post" and my blog! ARGH!!!

Basically I had said all are doing well. I'm going to restart Nutrisystem for a couple months to get me going again. Will keep you all posted. Would re-type the post, but my time is almost up at the library and I can't log in again for a few hours. Such is my life right now.

The Ugly Truth

Okay ... Deb commented that she was happy to read about the baby but what about the weigh loss journey. I suppose since that is how this whole blog started, and how I met so many wonderful people, it's time to get back to posting more about it.

The ugly truth is that in the last year I've crept up to 415 pounds once again. It isn't something I did without knowing it. I've been watching as the numbers slowly crept back up again. And I've been alarmed about it. I've made all kinds of excuses to myself and to others. The "I've had a rough year" and "So many life changes have happened" and "I've been under a lot of stress" and "I went back to work" and "I moved" and on and on it goes. Deep down I've known they are all excuses and though they are all valid reasons, none of them is really acceptable. They are what they are and what I've told myself to keep from beating myself up. It has to stop and the time for that to happen is now.

I am back to eating at home more. I even grilled out yesterday (chicken, a small potatoe sliced with chives and peppers) and it was very good. I'll be cooking on the new grill which I happened to assemble all by myself more in the coming days, weeks, months. I am making the healthier choices and will stop the mindless eating I've fallen into doing when feeling stressed and unhappy. It is time to start the process of losing the pounds once again. I can for sure tell the difference with these pounds regained. I am not going to undo all the hard work I've done so far.

So Deb, thanks for the push to come clean here. I'm going to attempt to get back here more frequently to post. It helped to keep me motivated in the past. I've lost touch with many I had come to care a lot about. It saddens me but I can't let it drag me completely down.

I'm going to utilize Sparkpeople more, tracking the calories, drinking my water, and moving the body. I know it all goes hand in hand and I am back to it all. That's the truth and I hope by next week I'll be reporting I'm on my way down once again. I believe with my work schedule my weigh in days will be either Tuesday or Wednesday, so keep your eyes peeled and you may just get to see the pounds melt off once again!

Birth Announcement

Hello, hello!

No, I did not fall off the face of the earth. The move went pretty well. Everything is put away and except for the fact that we are having a heck of a time getting cable tv hooked up (long story for another day perhaps) we are settled nicely.

I did take a few days this last week to spend time at the hospital as my youngest daughter Mandi gave birth to my new granddaughter. She had to be induced and it was a rough labor and delivery. Mandi had pre-eclampsia. She was induced on Friday morning but was still only about two centimeters at the end of the day. Her blood pressure was dangerously high and the doctor recommended an epidural. He said it would help her to relax, bringing her blood pressure down, get rid of the back pain (all back labor), and allow her body to continue with the dilation process. Her only other option was a C-section which she didn't want.

Saturday morning (April 28) she was in stage two labor (pushing phase) about 8:00. Many times she wanted to give up but she was coaxed by myself and her hubby (who managed to get a short furlough for the birth) and managed to keep going. Baby was born at 9:55 AM. Her name is Chloe Jayne and she weighed 7 lbs 15 oz. She was 20 1/2 inches long. She has a good head of dark hair. Her eyes are currently a dark grey-blue and they are just beautiful. Of course, I may be a bit prejudiced!

Chloe and momma came home on Sunday afternoon and there have been some adjustments. Mom had never changed a diaper in her life! She's been a really quick learner. She does really well with Chloe and that baby is a good baby. Already, she has slept through the last two nights.

Gotta run as I have training at work. Didn't get the new position. It's okay. Would have made life easier, but ah well.

Interview, Doctor Appointment, Moving

So I have the interview for the new job in the morning. The latest scuttle is that of the four people who applied, I am the only one qualified for the position. Interestingly enough, the Program Manager of the home I'm in has already hired someone to work a split shift (meaning two overnight shifts and two evening shifts) which is my shift. That is not a position that was open, so one can only assume that I will be offered the new position. I guess I'll know more tomorrow.

In the late afternoon, I have a doctor appointment. Time to get new scripts for my thyroid meds and blood pressure meds. I also need to discuss restless leg syndrome (which I believe I have), carpal tunnel (which I think is affecting my right wrist), and a couple other issues. After the appointment, I have to head on in to work as I am supposed to be "in charge" on Thursdays since there is no supervisor in the home now that the Evening Supervisor (who replaced me) is on maternity leave.

We are moving on Friday and Saturday. I'll do my best to check in when it's all said and done, but if I disappear for a few, you'll now know why. I have to call the cable tomorrow and see how quickly they can change my cable and internet to the new apartment. It's in the same complex, but one building over. We're going to a two-bedroom so that Mandi will have her own room when the baby comes. Don't know how long she'll be here after she has the baby, but it's better to be prepared.

Nothing new on the weight loss front to report. I'm holding steady and that's an accomplishment. I sure am praying things slow down and I can get back on track. I may even return to Nutrisystem to get me going as I did when I started this all two years ago.

Happy Easter

Just wanted to pop in while I have a moment to wish everyone a Happy Easter. My youngest daughter asked me yesterday who even celebrates Easter. I was flabbergasted to find out she really had no clue that Easter is a religious holiday. We never attended church regularly when she was young but I know that the story of the resurrection has been told to her before. The things we find out about our kids!

Am down in Danville this morning. Drove down yesterday so Mandi can hook up with her hubby. He got 96 hours of approved leave due to the holiday. Getting him from Fort Knox to here was difficult, but it finally happened. They get to spend a little time together and then it's back to base for him. He still has at least ten weeks more of training there. After that, the baby should be here (due April 26) and I guess Mandi is planning to join him where ever he ends up, unless he's deployed to Iraq. Keep saying that's not going to happen, but we won't know until he gets his next duty station orders. I'm starting to really not appreciate all that Marine families are put through. This not knowing if he could come home until the last minute for Easter got me pretty much fed up. How the heck are the families supposed to make plans, when orders change at the last second. And his travel radius is only 300 miles. I feel badly for those who got the 96 hour leave and can't really leave because home is just too far away. Makes me sad.

Other than that, life is okay. Applied for a different position at work. It's for complete overnights full time. Sunday through Thursday from 11 PM to 7 AM. It is called Overnight Coordinator. It is a paperwork position for the most part. From time to time, I will be required to respond to calls for help when kids go "intensive" and need to be restrained. It is considered a supervisory position and would likely mean an increase back to at least where I was before. I know four other people from my campus have applied. Not sure if anyone else internally in the company applied or not. I have an interview with the admin on Thursday. We'll see how it goes. I'm afraid I dug myself a hole when I asked to be stepped down. I hope not as at least my schedule would be set and I'd not be doing any more evening shifts working hands on with those girls. Wishing myself luck and skill during the interview.

In case I don't get a chance to pop in again before Sunday ... Happy Easter to those who celebrate it. For those who don't, enjoy the day!

It's Been a While

Yep, it's been a while since I've posted here. I've been pretty down and not doing well on the whole diet front. I've regained back up to 410 once again. I know that it's happening because I'm stuffing my feelings down with food. The first step in fixing it is to admit it. The next step is to find another way to deal with the rampant emotions so I don't continue with the behavior. I'm working on it.

We're in the midst of figuring out whether or not we want to move to a two-bedroom apartment. It's going to cost more but Mandi needs her own space. The baby is about four weeks away based on her due date. By the time the baby gets here, we need somewhere to put her and right now we're cramped enough!

Tim's been an ass of late. Took him to the doctor and his attitude is a little better. Amazing what a small increase in his depression meds will do! He's back to taking his insulin shots and that's progress.

Other than that, nothing much to report. I'll try not to disappear for so long. I didn't mean to worry anyone. Just figured if I had nothing good to share, I'd keep my trap shut. That's not the way to deal with things but it's what I chose this time.

And So It Goes

I went to a job interview last week. I got the call today that I did not get the job. I'm pretty bummed about it, but used to it. The reason I was given for not getting the job was they gave it to a person who has more experience working with mentally ill adults. Crappage!

Mandi's Tim is now in Kentucky. Lots of drama surrounding those kids right now. Mandi and her pregnant hormones are most of it. I feel badly for her Tim having to deal with it via the phone. Poor kid! If I were him, I'd probably stop calling her.

More changes to come at work, or so it sounds. Time will tell.

On the weight loss front, holding steady from last week which is okay. I did go to a lap band seminar. Lots of interesting information. It's something I've been considering for a short time now. Will talk more with my primary care physician. No where near making a decision to do it. Lots of things to consider, not the least of which is a new baby coming soon, a move to a bigger apartment, and life in general.

Another Drop

This morning shows yet another loss on the scale. I'm now down to 386 pounds. I don't know how this is happening. I really don't. My eating hasn't been all that great. The only thing I can pinpoint is that I'm eating more often and drinking more water again. I keep telling myself to just think how great I'd be doing if I stopped eating some of the carbs I eat and stopped eating the 'treats' I feel entitled to. It just doesn't seem to get through my thick head, though! I don't know what my problem is but it's getting on my nerves!

On the work front, the crazy girl who tried to commit suicide while in the psych hospital (and is still on suicide watch I might add) is coming home for a visit today. If it goes well, she'll be discharged back to us. How in the hell can they do that when she is still under watch? I don't get it. It's like setting us up for a MAJOR disaster! She only can have her bed, a comforter, and two sets of clothes, no bras. No shoes with strings. UGH! I can't believe they're going to send her back to us like that.

All else is okay here for now. In the midst of planning Mandi's baby shower. She registered at Walmart so people would at least know what kinds of things she wants. She's getting excited but says she's just ready for the baby to be born so she can see what she looks like and not have to waddle anymore! All in due time, I say. Then the real challenge is going to begin.

Uh huh

The ticker tells the story. I am now down to 389 as of this morning. That means in the last two weeks I've somehow managed to lose 16 pounds. I had gone back up to as high as 405 pounds two weeks ago. I've been watching what I eat and moving when I can instead of sitting on my arse. I know I'm not doing what I could but evidentally, I'm doing enough to keep moving along.

Life is complicated and confusing. Work sucks and it isn't going to get better. I have an idea on that front but not going to share it here right now. I'll fill everyone in sometime soon, I'm sure. Suffice it to say, I am actively looking for a new job so I can "get the hell out of Dodge"!

This past week I managed to be caught in a corner where we had to restrain a girl. She's tiny, but she packs quite the kick and I have two bruises (both on my post surgery leg) to prove it. The next day she totally lost it again and is not in the psych hospital. Hopefully, she'll now get the help she needs.

Mandi continues to grow bigger. I swear I don't know how that girl doesn't just split wide open and she still has almost two months to go. She's getting regular phone calls from her Tim now (on Sundays) on his one day a week that he has off. His rack-mate has a cell phone and lets him call Mandi on it. They have talked for at least an hour each time he's called. Thank goodness for free weekend minutes for his buddy, I guess.

Only another ten days or so where he is and then on to Fort Knox for ten weeks. That will put him past Mandi's due date. Hopefully, he'll still get to come home for a few days when the baby is born. That's what they were told so we'll see.

Other than that, life is good. Tim is okay. I'm okay just tired and a bit wore down. It's going to get better though. Thanks to those of you who are still checking in and leaving me comments. I appreciate that!

Mandi is now a married woman!

Yep, Mandi and her Tim got married yesterday. It was quick but that didn't make it any less real. I pray that she and her Tim end up with the kind of relationship that my Tim and I have after 22 years together.

We left at 10 PM on Friday evening, after I finally got another person to cover my overnight shift at work that night. We drove through one heck of a snowstorm (counted eight cars in the ditch over a 25 mile stretch of highway and three of those were upside down) to get there. Arrived at about 2:15 AM on the wedding day. We didn't have much difficulty getting there but I was glad when we finally did.

As of this evening, he still had not done the public proposal. Mandi had asked for one and he promised her he would do it. Mandi seems okay with it now that the rings are on their fingers, so no big deal to me. I just wanted her to have her special wedding day. She did indeed have that!

The wedding was beautiful; very small with only the parents, Crys & Ceci there with the minister and his wife. The wife played some music before the wedding and played the traditional wedding song as she and Dad came up the aisle. Didn't get a good photo of that so hope that his dad did.

Ceci did her best to steal the show, walking about the stage and calling each of us to look at her. She was so darn proud of herself! Mandi and Tim took it in stride and the minister just talked louder.

Tim and I purchased Mandi's wedding set (engagement ring with wedding band to match) up here on Friday afternoon. I called Mandi and described them to her. She gave his dad a basic description and he got Tim's ring. Imagine all of our shock when we put the set with his ring and found that they were the completed set! What a wonderful and pleasant surprise. Mandi was thrilled with her set and totally happy to have his match her's after all!

We went back to his dad's after the wedding for a family gathering. He had made ribs on the grill and then in the crock pot with bbq sauce. They were YUMMY! There was also potato salad, baked beans, bread and butter, veggies with dip, cheese dip with scoop tortilla chips, and deviled eggs. I didn't eat much but what I had was good. We hung out for a while and then headed back into town. They live way out in the country and I was afraid if I waited too long, we'd be snowed in. As it was, the blowing snow had almost closed the roads we had to travel. We almost got stuck once and I barely could see the road, but we did make it.

Went out for breakfast with my brother and his wife, Tim & Mandi, and Tim and I this morning. Afterwards, we went to visit my step-dad and his wife. I'm not that fond of either of them but they do ask my brother about us all the time so I felt we should go. Mandi and Tim went with and we visited a while. Then it was time for Tim and I to head on home.

Mandi and Tim are staying at a hotel tonight. His dad's wedding gift to them. They come back up here tomorrow and he has to leave out about 6 am on Tuesday. He goes back to Camp Pendleton in CA for three weeks and then on to Fort Knox KY for ten. After that, he thinks he's going back to Camp Pendleton and may be there for up to nine months. We have to wait for his orders to find out for sure. If that's the case, Mandi and Chloe will join him out there. I'm betting Mom will have to drive her out there but that's okay.

So that's the news. It was a very nice weekend but now bittersweet as the kids have to say goodbye again. Mandi is dreading it but I keep telling her at least she won't have time for him to get on her nerves and it is only for a while.

Ticking Away

Time seems to just continue to tick on by. It's been a busy time and things don't seem to be letting up. Went to San Diego and had a wonderful time at our future son-in-law's boot camp graduation. He came home for ten days and goes back on Tuesday. At least as of today, that's the plan. His time home may be extended due to some family issues but it won't really affect us. He's been down with his family the whole time. Mandi took time off work to be with him but she's got to be back at work on Weds and has a doctor visit on Tues.

Work is same old same old. The girls (at work) seem to be more and more mentally ill of late. In and out the psych hospital like I don't know what. I wish they would take the time while they are in the hospital to really come up with a plan to get them stable and functioning before they are dumped right back on us! It's really frustrating for all of us, the girls included.

On the fat front, I'm not doing well. I'm still maintaining and that disappoints me. I've been in tears a lot lately over it. I don't know what happened to the determination and motivation I had. I want it back so badly, yet it eludes me, dangling just out of my grasp. I've not posted to many of the threads here at Spark I was posting on for the simple fact, I really haven't had anything to say. I'm not losing weight and feel like a farce right now. I continue to go through the motions, which is probably why I'm able to maintain, but that's about it. I dunno if it's because I have so much more to lose or what. Most people who lose 100 plus pounds are at their goal weight, yet I have at least twice that to go.

And still time continues to march on by ... And I have more photos from the graduation trip I may get posted next week if anyone is interested. (Maybe a wedding photo or two as well.)

Here I Am

I am in San Diego right now. Went to the family visitation day at the Marine Corp Recruit Depot. It was a beautiful and sunny day. Tim and I both got a bit of a sunburn on our faces. It was so nice to be outside in the sun, but dang there was a LOT of walking! I'm pretty proud of how well I did with it, though. I bet I walked at least 2-3 miles today. I did it without even thinking about it. My legs are very sore and my feet feel stiff, but all in all not too bad.

He graduates tomorrow. We have to be up at 5 AM and out by 5:30 so we can eat a decent breakfast before. After, he gets to leave the base and we fly back to Chicago on Saturday late afternoon. Not sure what we'll be doing for the next day or so. I'll check in again if I can. Here is a photo of him, admittedly not the best, but the best I got today. Hopefully, we'll get a better photo tomorrow.

Thank You to Willowmoon

A huge thanks to my friend Willowmoon who designed the template I'm using right now. I am so very thankful and appreciative of her hard work and getting this all set up for me. I may make a few changes in the near future, but we'll see. I might add back my weight loss chart, the weather pixie, etc. Then again, I kind of like the clean look of this page now and may just leave it alone.

I'll be back to post again very soon. I just haven't had much to say lately.

Finished

This is the finished blanket that I spent the last two years making for my granddaughter Cecilia. She'll be two years old on February 13th. I guess better late than never, right? I found I'm not the seamstress I thought I was when I put the binding on the blanket. That was probably the most difficult part of the entire process. It isn't perfect, but grandma made it with LOTS of love and spent hours and hours doing it. Hope she likes it!

I've now moved on to the one I'm making for the new baby due April 27th. It's not quite as complicated as this one was, but it is my second blanket. I hope my skills binding improve as I finish each one. Even if it doesn't, at least the girls will have something made by grandma to cherish.

Fresh Look

As soon as I can make the time, I'll be updating my blog with a fresh new look custom designed just for me by a dear friend of mine. Thanks so much Willow! It is beautiful and as soon as I can make the time to concentrate and copy and follow instructions, I'll do the update. Hopefully it will be before the weekend is over. Woo hoo ... I have a whole new look coming and it is BEAUTIFUL!

No word on the job and Grandma again!

I've still had no word about the new job. I called on Monday and left a message with the person in the HR department that I had the initial interview with but still nothing. I'm guessing I'm not going to changing jobs anytime soon. So ... I have to resign myself to the job I have now. Hey, at least I have one, right?!

On another note, got a call from my oldest daughter and she's going to have another baby. She's not sure when yet, but after her ultrasound on Friday she should know. She's guessing she's due in July or August. I am getting to be a busy grandma! I finished Ceci's baby blanket. (Good thing as her second birthday is right around the corner.) I've started Chloe's baby blanket. (Due in late April.) And now when I finish that one, I'll have to start on this new baby's blanket. At least it keeps me busy at work at night. I work on the blankets about five or six of the ten hour shift! My right wrist is giving me fits, though. I believe I have carpal tunnel in that wrist pretty bad.

Made a decision tonight. Tim and I are going to San Diego in a couple weeks. Mandi's fiance is graduating from boot camp. Initially, we weren't going to go but we changed our minds. Mandi was a little miffed that we got such a great rate from priceline.com. We'll be flying the same flights she and Tim's parents are flying and staying at the same hotel. We'll have our own rental car, though. I'm looking forward to this little mini-vacation. I think it will be fun.

That's all the news here for now. On the weight loss front, there was none this week. The monthly monster moved in and kept me pretty much the same. There's always this week. LOL

Crazier and crazier

Work is getting more and more crazy. Had to work the evening shift the other day and all I can say is "ick"! One of the girls was going off because she broke off with her boyfriend and he called her a "Ni..er". She was pacing and really wanted to destroy the home, but managed to keep control of herself.

At the same time, another girl decided that staff in general is treating her unfairly, taking her points, and she's tired of it. She started targeting newer staff, charging at them to punch them. She had to be restrained four times. She kicked me in my surgical leg. Thankfully, it didn't hurt. She had on houseshoes and didn't kick very hard. The really bad news is she reported while restrained, she was having flashbacks of past sexual abuse. This means we won't be able to restrain her anymore and she can really hurt someone or herself the next time she goes off. *sigh*

On another note, my program manager made a comment that had me just speechless. She stated she's going to ask the program director if I can be the evening supervisor again when the one who replaced me goes on maternity leave in eleven weeks. Okay, no big surprise there as I knew it would be coming but the rest of the comment is what positively floored me. She said they probably won't be adjusting my salary again. What the hell is up with that? Does she honestly think I'd go back to all that responsibility and headache and make $5000 less? Is she out of her freaking mind? My answer is YES! And I don't want that responsibility again. Was she not listening when I stepped down and gave my reasons for the step-down? It's all just too damn much!

No news yet on the Monday interview. They both seemed so positive at the interviews and now nothing. I really hate the waiting game. I'll never understand why they have to make a person wait and wait, wondering and worrying. Sometimes I feel like they figure you already have a job so no rush. I really want to call, but I'll wait until Monday. The supervisor of the department I'd be working said I'd hear something by the end of the week. I really hate if they don't offer you a job that you have to call them and bug them. What's up with that? Guess today is my day to rant. I could go on about another personal matter involving Mandi (the younger pregnant daughter) but I'm going to leave it be for now. Got to get ready to head off to work soon.

So Sad Really

So I went to work last night and two of our girls have gone to the psych hospital. It's really sad to see them go there. One went because she got physically aggressive, was arrested (a newer staff called the police against policy), sent to the local hospital for a psych evaluation and then admitted to the psych hospital. The really sad thing is the newer staff who called the police had baited the girl which set her off. When things got out of control, she got scared and called the police (something we only do with authorization from supervisory staff which was not obtained). Such a shame really. Other staff stated they tried to handle it but this one staff would not let up.

The other girl went last night before I got there for suicide ideation. For her, it's really all about wanting attention and this being the way she knows how to get it. She's only 13 years old and to know that this is the only way she knows to get attention saddens me. Top it all off with the knowledge that she is creating for herself a record of psych hospital admissions that will never go away is really sad.

They did get my pay worked out. I am now definitely hourly. They figured out what I was underpaid last pay period and have assured me the difference will be in my next paycheck next week. I'm thankful that it's finally settled but they are still cheating me out of money, putting me at an hourly rate that is lower than I should be getting per policy. I don't really have the energy to continue to fight this.

Snow is moving in and I'm worried about making it to my interview on time Monday. I work the overnight the night before. I pray I can get out of the parking lot at work and make it home and then on to the interview. Home is on the way, thankfully. If I'm running late, I'll call and let the HR person know and hopefully she'll be understanding about it.

Everything else is fine. The hubby is well and doing his best right now to take care of himself. I'm doing okay though my eating could be better. I'm working on it and it isn't as horrible as it had been so progress has been made. The scale will tell the tale when I weigh in next week.

Cross your fingers for me about the snow and the interview. It would be nice to be back in a "sane" job, working day shift with weekends off every week, sleeping at night, and just being "normal" for a change. Dream a little dream for me ...

Going Down

I've been pretty sick since Sunday night. I worked my overnight shift and then had to call of on Monday. I was off yesterday and today but have spent a lot of the time sleeping. Got the flu and it hasn't been kind to me at all. The only bright spot of it all is that I managed to drop two more pounds, thanks to the loss of fluids. We'll see if it holds or goes lower next week.

I've done some thinking about lapband surgery. Lately I've been so frustrated with so many things in my life. I'm really just researching and don't feel I'm serious about it, but it's been on my mind. I know realistically that it isn't going to solve any of the problems I'm having but it would sure be nice to get smaller a little more quickly than I have been. Ah well ...

Since I didn't start a new blog with the start of the new year, I did update it. I chose one of the optional templates and redid the stats showing my progress. I felt I didn't need to track the monthly losses from the beginning, so deleted them and just did the losses for the two years I've been at this. I'll continue posting monthly losses as they occur. I was a bit discouraged about only losing 28 pounds last year but the outcome could have been so much worse! I managed to maintain what I had lost in 2005 and then lose a little bit more. No use crying about it. Looking forward and moving on is the only way to proceed.

Have a new job interview on Monday. Gonna be rough because I have to work the overnight shift the night before. I had applied for a job in scheduling in a hospital back in July of last year. They called me yesterday and said they have an opening and wanted to know if I'd be interested. I sure am!

Work is getting really rough. I guess one girl had to be restrained three times yesterday. The girls are getting more and more violent, physically attacking staff, especially the ones they don't like. It's pretty ridiculous to me. I'm so glad that I work while they're sleeping for the most part. I have to help wake them up for school in the mornings but that's about all of the interacting I do right now. I'm pretty thankful for that. I'm ready to move on, if the right job comes along. This one could be it. Fingers are crossed and prayers are being said. If this is meant to be, it will happen.

My new blog

For those of you who are waiting for my new blog, I've put it on hold because I cannot find a template that "fits" me. I found one, but with this new beta version, it kept saying there was an error in the script somewhere. I don't have the patience or time to keep messing with it. I guess I'm destined to keep this one, or to go with a template that's already here. Such a shame when they are so darn plain. Ah well ...

The above reflects my current weight, showing a three pound loss since I resumed my journey one week ago today. I figure that's pretty darn good and am proud of myself. Now the test will be to keep it going.