The Journey Back ... One Year Later

(This is a long one, folks! I was recently asked about a comment I made about starting to like myself again. This blog post is pretty much my response to that question. I wanted to post it here, that others might share. I've already had some in another place say they saw themselves for the first time in my words and know that they can start to like themselves as well. I hope it touches you and helps to keep you encouraged and motivated.)

In January 2005, I realized I really didn't like myself anymore. I mean it. I hated the person I had become. Somewhere along the way I lost track of who I was. I no longer recognized myself anymore. I was fat and miserable. I was unhappy and crabby all the time. I was bitter and had nothing nice to say about anything or anyone. I was angry with myself and with the entire world. I felt deep resentment toward my family because all of my life I had put them before me. I took care of their every want and need and would push my own aside. I was so far down on me that I literally felt like I had fallen down a deep dark well and the walls were closing in little by little, with the dirt trickling down on top of me, covering me, and eventually suffocating me.

A very dear cyber friend had been telling me for at least two years that I needed to put myself first and start taking care of me or I was going to be of no use to my family. With a daughter still in high school and a husband disabled by diabetes and complications of diabetes coupled with Parkinson's disease, I couldn't do what I really wanted which was to just disappear. I also had a granddaughter on the way into this world that I wanted desperately to see.

I realized that I had to put me first so the first part of my way back began. I said "NO MORE". No more would I put others needs before my own. No more would I allow others to make decisions for me. No more would I think of myself as a total loser with no hope of ever being anything but a big blob of human flesh existing day to day. NO MORE! I was very angry and I fed off of that anger. I laid it all out to my husband and then to my daughters. Somehow, some way I was going to regain control over me.

I realized all of the negative feelings were all tied into being the fat person I had grown to be. Lord, I don't know how in the world I got to be 530 pounds. (Oh, I know I just keep shoveling the food in to cram down the feelings, but when did I lose control of who I was?) I feel like I woke up one morning and was just this angry fat person who lived in misery. It was obvious to me that I had to do something about my weight. And so my journey began.

I had heard of Nutrisystem and knew they had an online program. I joined and hung out on the Bulletin Board for several weeks, reading profiles and the success of others. I cam across the profile of Rob (ProudUncle-in-GR). He started his journey near where I thought I was and was doing wonderfully well on the program. So I placed my first order, not knowing how we were going to pay for it. Boy was my hubby mad! For two months, we managed. After that, I made the decision to proceed with the NS program but using my own foods. I had lost 40 pounds by then. I wasn't certain I could do the program solo, but I had to try. I'd come too far to turn back so I vowed to keep on and see what I could do.

When I started out I told myself if I could get 50 pounds off, I'd be okay. That came and went. I figured okay now go for 100. On November 7, 2005 only ten short months later, I had lost 100 pounds! With the help of Nutrisystem, my very supportive husband and daughter, friends I made in a couple of e-mail support groups and in a forum known as JerryJingles, I felt like I was finally succeeding. And every day, I grew stronger and more proud of the person I was becoming. That pride continues as I continue on my journey.

Even after getting rid of 100 pounds, I still feel like a fat blob. I feel unattractive and useless. There is so much I still can't do but I don't focus on that so much anymore. I take pride in knowing all the things I'm doing now that I wasn't one year ago and looking forward to doing even more things a year from now. The really important thing is I no longer hate myself. I'm starting to like myself again. I am taking care of myself again and know deep down in my soul that I will regain total control over my eating and with that, the rest is going to fall into place.

I had to stop the negative self-talk. We all do it. We say "I hope this is the last time I ever have to diet". Well darn it all, why not say "This is the last time I'm going to have to focus on losing weight. This time I am going to make it. I am going to be successful and I am going to keep it off when I get there." It's all about how we talk to ourselves.

I read in a book once (Nutrisystem Nourish) that we treat total strangers with more kindness than we afford ourselves. We ARE our own worst enemies. We have to learn to treat others with compassion. We need to look at ourselves with what was termed as 'soft eyes'. "Soft eyes are loving, accepting, and encouraging. They are open with love, and reflect an open, loving heart."

Say kind things to yourself. Don't put yourself down anymore. See yourself with soft eyes and I am here to tell you it will make a difference. Prioritize and make time for you and you will find you have more time for others.

I have a long way to go before I feel I'll love me again. But, as with weight loss, I'm taking it one step at a time. Some days are harder to get through than others. Some days I slip back into my negative mode and forget to look at the world with soft eyes. I judge, I criticize, I expect the worst. People will fullfill what we believe. It's like the expression "Tell someone they're stupid long enough, they'll believe it and become stupid." Well, tell yourself every day positive things and see if it doesn't make a difference in your life.

I'm fat. I know that. But I also know I'm putting me first now and I'm working on the fat. As the pounds come off, layers of other things are peeling off with it. Someone said, in another place I read, that they feel so emotional, ripped open in a sense. Well yeah! We are getting rid of what has been a shield, a protector for most of our lives. We're getting rid of the fat. We have to deal with the emotions and feelings to remain successful when we get to goal.

I know I'm going to get there. I know it as surely as I know my name and address. And knowing that, I like myself a little more because I am taking back my life. I'm taking it back one meal, one step, one day at a time. Everyone else can, too!