Am I Happy?

So, Tim and I had an interesting conversation a couple days ago. I was here at the computer and he was in his usual spot in his recliner, rocking. Out of the blue he said to me, "Are you happy?"

Boy! I didn't know how to answer that question. I didn't know why he was asking it. I didn't know if I wanted to be truthful with him and risk him misunderstanding me or if I wanted to stretch the truth and spare his feelings. In the end, I was truthful. If he's going to ask a question like that, then he has to be prepared for the answer.

I have to say that sometimes I am happy. I am unhappy more than I'm happy, though. I tried to pinpoint and put into words the things that make me unhappy. I don't know if it's unhappiness or discontent, or exactly what it is. I know that I'm tired of being poor. I mean really tired of not having money to buy the needs sometimes, let's not even mention the things I'd love to have but know I never will. I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck and worrying about how much money I'm spending at the grocery store. The worrying about Tim and his health all the time wears me down. Thinking about Mandi graduating and leaving me here, alone with Tim scares the hell out of me. All of these contribute to my unhappiness along with other things, I'm sure.

I tried to explain all of this to Tim. I think he got part of it. He wanted to know is there he can do to make me happy. Well, damn! There really isn't. I'm doing what I can. I'm working on losing the fat that I've allowed to build up and has held me captive in my own skin. I'm trying to find a job to alleviate the money issues, but this area is so damn depressed. There are more people who want and need jobs than there are jobs and it's frustrating. I see the same ads week after week and have applied for those jobs. But no one calls me. No one wants to hire me. And I don't know why. And yes, I'm a little bit choosey about what jobs I apply for. I can't stand for long periods of time. There are some things I just can't or don't know how to do. Sometimes I feel Tim thinks I should take any old job. Sometimes I think I'd take any old job, but hear this ... NO ONE IS OFFERING ME ANY OLD JOB!

He said, "After 21 years, I'm still trying to figure you out." He doesn't understand me. He doesn't understand how I think. He doesn't understand how I feel. He just doesn't understand.

Case in point ... He thinks that I spend too much time on the computer. He doesn't get that this is my world. This is where my friends are. This is where I come to for the support I get nowhere else.

He says I spread myself too thin and it's zapping the life out of me. Huh? Reading blogs, belonging to support groups, interacting with my friends is what keeps me sane some days. I need it. He worries that I spend so much of my time encouraging others that I don't focus on anything positive. That I worry about everyone else but then that takes away from me focusing on me. I don't think that's true.

So ... he had things to say and I heard him. I will not give up my friends, my support, my motivation to even go on day to day sometimes. There has to be a middle ground. And he heard what I had to say. I know he's sad that I'm not happy. I know he wishes he could do something about it. Bottom line is the only person who can make me happy is me. I'm working on it but boy ... some days it's a HUGE task!

Just wanted to share those thoughts. Some of you may have insight and feel free to share. I don't know. Some days, life is good and I feel happy enough and things are okay. And some days life is like my favorite children's story book by Judith Voirst, "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day". If you haven't read this one, it's well worth the read.

"I think I'll just move to Australia!"